The Best And Worst Of WCW Monday Nitro 1/5/98: Nord Of The Flies

Previously on the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro: Goldberg fought Glacier, Chris Jericho began his desperately needed heel turn, and Sting wrestled Hollywood Hogan so hard they went off the air before the match was finished.

Click here to watch this week’s episode on WWE Network. You can catch up with all the previous episodes of WCW Monday Nitro on the Best and Worst of Nitro tag page. Follow along with the competition here.

Remember, if you want us to keep writing 20-year-old WCW jokes, click the share buttons and spread the column around. If you don’t tell them how much you like these, nobody’s going to read them. And be sure you’ve read about Starrcade ’97, which is more or less the company’s series finale.

And now, the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro for January 5, 1998, the first Nitro of the new year.

Best: Chris Jericho Promises This Will Never (Ever) Happen Agay’n

On last week’s program, Lionheart Chris Jericho nearly died in the ring for like the dozenth time, lost a match to Curt Hennig, and (apparently) lost his damn mind. He flipped out, dumped over ring announcer David Penzer, and attacked the ring post with a steel chair.

This week, because WCW heel Chris Jericho is the greatest character ever, he shows up with a new chair and a new suit jacket and presents them to Penzer before the match, claiming (for the first time in a very long line of times) that this will never happen again. He then of course loses to Diamond Dallas Page, because DDP is the most difficult person on the show to defeat right now, even more difficult than Goldberg. When they come back from the replays, Jericho’s on the floor screaming IT’S A CONSPIRACY AGAINST ME, I’VE HAD ENOUGH, and he’s clearly tried to turn over the ring steps onto Penzer. I love that Jericho’s heel turn goes from a low key, “the fuck is this guy’s problem?” to an hilarious, overblown mess of Spinal Tap references and helpless secondary characters. WCW heel Chris Jericho was like Broken Matt Hardy if he was just jaded enough to hang onto his mind.

Worst: A Complete Waste Of Resources

So stay with me here.

Last week’s show’s main event was Sting vs. Hollywood Hogan for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship. The show went off the air as Sting was hitting a second Stinger Splash and inadvertently bumping Randy Anderson, who probably wouldn’t have been hit if he hadn’t charged at Sting mid-move and jammed his head into his legs. But anyway, the show went off the air with controversy.

This week they open the show with that footage. Just kidding, they open the show with Tony Schiavone announcing that the nWo wants to keep the footage from being shown, WCW wants to show the footage, and despite those organizations being owned and operated by the same people we are unable to see it now because of a court injunction prohibiting it. Sting is still the World Heavyweight Champion, though. Immediately following this announcement, we send it to a James J. Dillon interview where he announces that (1) the nWo doesn’t want to show the footage, (2) WCW wants to, (3) Sting is still champion, (4) a judge has the footage in his chambers so we can’t see it until he releases it due to a court injunction and (5) the tape should be cleared in 24 hours, allowing the end of the match to be aired on the first episode of WCW Thunder. How convenient! Also … thanks for telling us everything twice in five minutes? It was like the “moments ago” Raw replays, but in real-time.

WCW Executive Vice President Nick Lambros shows up after the first match to make ANOTHER Hogan/Sting announcement, saying that due to the controversy, any WCW contracted employee — which includes the nWo, because they’re on a WCW show and that’s how that works all of a sudden — caught violating WCW rule policies will be “subject to fine, suspension, or both.” Mean Gene’s like, “WHAT DOES THIS MEAN,” and Lambros is like, “shrug.” Nick Lambros, not to be confused with Eric Young, who is nickel Ambrose.

Also, congratulations everyone, your tax dollars helped a judge get into tape trading. A couple more cases and he’ll be able to order that Best of Jody Fleisch cassette from Highspots!

Don’t Turn Your Back On The Regular Pack

The nWo is distraught by all of this, and definitely breaking up. The team arrives in two separate limousines, prompting the “THEY’RE DEFINITELY NWO” announce team to switch gears and declare their long national nightmare is over, and that the nWo will soon be no more. They’re practically prancing when they talk about how WCW finally has some momentum, and the nWo guys just wander around backstage and sulk about it.

Early in the show, Eric Bischoff (correctly) claims that Hogan beat Sting twice now and should be champion, but WCW’s keeping the tape tied up in the courts (for a day?) to keep fans from seeing it. He also hilariously claims that there wasn’t a foreign object in his boot when he knocked out Larry Zbyszko at Starrcade, he’s just been doing karate for so long that his gear’s falling apart, and that’s what we saw go flying. I think the key there is that yeah, he loaded the boot, but no, he didn’t actually cheat, because that shit was in the crowd before he got his leg up to Zbyszko’s shoulder. He’s kinda got several points.

The main event is the landmark 40,000th Lex Luger vs. Macho Man Randy Savage match, which should’ve just been Thunder. Two hours of Luger vs. Savage every week. Just cut out the middleman. Luger wins this one with a small package, which when he uses it I like to call an Inverted Torture Rack. Savage goes ape shit after the match and tries to kill Flexy Lexy with a chair, but Bischoff doesn’t want him fined or suspended or both, and yanks it out of his hands. Savage’s response is to spin in place and punch Bisch so hard it knocks his soul down the ramp. Hogan shows up to stick up for Bischoff, Savage tries to throw hands with Hogan, and Kevin Nash brains Savage from behind. This sets up Hogan vs. Savage in a steel cage for like three months from now, a heel vs. heel match that goes on last despite the show also featuring the new heroic WCW World Heavyweight Champion defending against the nWo guy who won World War 3.

Much love -HH.

Best: Holler If You’re About To Hear Me

Q: What the hell is going on in this photo? Show it to your friends and see if they can tell you.

A: This is the finish to the Steiner Bros. and Ray Traylor vs. Konnan, Buff Bagwell and Scott Norton, the match that was originally scheduled for Starrcade. There’s not much to it, but there’s one very important moment: Scott Steiner picks Konnan up on his shoulders for a Steiner Bulldog, but changes his mind, walks out toward the middle of the ring and just throws him at the ground (pictured), leaving Rick standing confused on the top rope.

Why is that important, you may ask? Because it’s the first instance of Scotty deciding to go into business for himself, a plot that leads to SuperBrawl and Scott realizing he’d like to dye his hair platinum and start screaming like a maniac all the time whether his brother likes it or not. Somewhere on the west coast, a trade show fitness model named Midajah senses a disturbance in the force.

The match is also notable for featuring the worst Steiner Screwdriver ever, which I’m assuming was by orders of Konnan, who did not want to get dropped on his face like so much Robbie Rage. Watch in amazement as K-Dogg bails out of this move like he’s saving himself from a crashing airplane:

If that angle doesn’t illustrate it well enough, this is the position they end up in. Brother took a Steiner Screwdriver like it was a Falcon Arrow. And he gets pinned, which might be the only time anyone in the United States has been pinned with a Falcon Arrow outside of a Holly cousins match.

Best: A Night Of Unforgettable Debuts

The announce team puts over the idea that it’s a new year and a new era of self-worth in World Championship Wrestling, which means the gates are open for more debuts without fear of everyone who shows up joining the nWo. Up first on that list is John Nord, formerly WWF’s Viking count-out enthusiast The Berserker, working what appears to be a Guy Fieri In His Underwear gimmick. Nord briefly showed up in World War 3 back in November, if you’re keeping track.

Nord (and his hilarious IF YOU DON’T LIKE ME (SEE BACK) THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU iron-on t-shirt), formerly known as “Nord The Barbarian,” takes on The Barbarian, formerly known as “Konga The Barbarian,” and also possibly Nord The Regular Person. It’s a real “The Undertaker’s full name is Kane The Undertaker, and his brother is also named Kane” situation. Nord is catching a The Mauler-esque push, and wins with a camel clutch so bad it makes that Steiner Screwdriver on Konnan look like the one on Hiro Hase.

That’s more like peacefully riding a camel than “clutching” it, isn’t it? His little feet are cracking me up, though. Dude looks like Tyler Breeze and Tim Storm did the Fusion Dance.

Also debuting for 1998 is 1988’s hottest model, Rick Martel, of House Martel. He’s what would happen if you made a Das Wunderkind Alex Wright biopic and cast Hugh Jackman in the lead. Fun fact: “huge, ack, man,” is what you say while you’re having sex with Alex Wright.

Anyway, in a match symbolic of his entire WCW run, Martel wrestles Brad Armstrong in near silence, wins with a Boston crab he calls a “Quebec crab” because he’s not from Boston, and is forgotten as soon as he’s off-screen. Rick Martel might be one of the best boring-as-shit wrestlers of all time. Dude’s right up there with Lance Storm. And using a Boston crab as your finish in 1998 is bad enough without Mike Tenay being all, “hey, that finisher is reminiscent of Chris Jericho’s Liontamer,” with the next sentence in his brain being, “if Jericho was doing it in 1978. Or in the WWE!” And then Tenay wonders why he’s thinking about Jericho going to the other show, and why he’s not calling it the WWF. Tenay’s a pre-cog is what I’m getting at. How do you think he always “knows who that is?”

Also On This Episode

Lightning round time!

Pro wrestling legend and racist caricature Chief Jay Strongbow appears in the crowd, seen here in a screencap that definitely doesn’t make it look like he peed his pants.

If you aren’t familiar with his work, Strongbow was an Italian guy so bad at being a pretendian that Captain Lou Albano used to say he was from the “Wop-aho” tribe. He made Tatanka look like Sitting Bull. Tony puts him over, and then Larry’s all derisive like, “Strongbow put on about A HUNDRED POUNDS.”

Booker T has his first defense of his newly won Television Championship against a former champion, Prince Iaukea, who is somehow still getting title shots. There are two highlights here:

• Booker’s pre-match promo, which features him extremely cautious about what he’s saying, which causes him to say “sucka” like a Smurf saying “smurf.” Verbatim: “And tonight, we gon’ crank this sucka up, and before it’s over with we’re gonna turn it up to a hundred thousand Harlem Heat degrees and we gon’ burn this sucka up, now can you dig it, sucka.”
• The mid-match conversation, in which Bobby Heenan tries to compare WCW Thunder to Seinfeld, but not being able to remember the name of the show or the guy who stars in it. “Well, I heard rumor that when this man heard that WCW was coming to Thursday nights, that’s why Steinfeld quit! Who knows? Kramer may be the television champion next week!”

Now I’m sad we didn’t get a pay-per-view main event of Hollywood Hogan and Eric Bischoff versus Booker T and Michael Richards. That’s a high concentration of guys who unexpectedly said the n-word.

In other members of Harlem Heat news, Stevie Ray gets in an unusual amount of offense but still loses via “running tackle” and Jackhammer to Billy Goldberg. Steve actually had his number here, and only lost because the referee got between them and made him stop kicking ass long enough to get speared. Who knows, maybe Bob Sacamano will show up and end Goldberg’s streak next week!

Raven attacks Chris Benoit again, costing him and Mongo a tag team match against Scotty Riggs and Peregrine Saturn. As you can see in the image, Charles Robinson is too busy trying to shoo Kidman off the top rope with false flag interference and misses the other like, three guys getting involved. The next WWE stars who realizes they can up their win percentage by exchanging “one guy interferes on my behalf” or The Miz’s even better “two guys interfere on my behalf” with Raven’s, “everyone who works here and isn’t doing anything, follow me around and constantly interfere on my behalf” stratagem is gonna be set. If anyone in Raven’s Flock besides Raven and Saturn could fight, they could’ve overthrown a handful of small nations.

The best match of the night goes to Juventud Guerrera and Todd McFarlane’s Spider-Man, who compete to see who’ll face new Cruiserweight Champion Ultimo Dragon for the strap on the first episode of Thunder. [checks notes] Sorry, that’s Psicosis. Same difference.

Juvy wins here, setting up him winning the Cruiserweight Championship on Thursday and ending Dragon’s historic eight-day run as champ. You’ve gotta wonder why they went Guerrero to Dragon to Guerrera in eight days and ended Guerrera’s run with a loss to Rey Mysterio only a week after that instead of, you know, going Guerrero to Mysterio like they’d been playing with for months, but what do I know? I guess you needed a title change on Thunder to make it important, and not just Starrcade highlights with a Chris Adams match for flavor.

The Best There Is, The Best There Was, And The Best There Ever Will Be: Cocky Old Man Flair Vs. Confused Anti-American Paladin Bret Hart

The best moment of the entire show is this promo pitting Ric Flair, who has been on a month-long crusade to use wrestling journalism and newspaper clippings to prove he’s the best wrestler ever, against Bret Hart, whose catchphrase identifies him as the best wrestler ever. Flair’s pissed about it, but a little passive-aggressively still, so he condescendingly asks Bret to say the phrase to his face.

If you’ve never seen it, it’s GREAT. Mean Gene’s about to lose it, and Hart and Flair keep inching up the animosity until it’s practically tangible. Watch:

It’s like a really good Saturday Night Live sketch … it’s entertaining as hell, and would probably be legendary if someone had thought to give it a strong ending. They just kinda stop and pick it back up later, which is disappointing. But Hart saying he’s gonna add “woo” to the end of his catchphrase and Flair shading him for pretending to be great in America when he’s Canadian are both awesome, as is Flair’s eventually by-the-numbers bit where he lists off famous old wrestlers to connect himself to wrestling history. Bret can say he’s better than Harley Race, Jack Brisco, Dory Funk Jr. and Gene Kiniski, but won’t dare say he’s better than Flair, who identifies as “probably finest example of premium USA manhood there is.” Magnificent.

Next Week:

Thunder, which maybe they’ll put up on the Network this weekend so I can write about it without my screencaps looking like I took photos of my tube TV with a disposable camera. Plus, Marty Jannetty fights a black cat, we’ve got multiple new champions including the legendary Vacant, and D-Generation X member Jim Neidhart debuts.

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