Previously on the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro: We reviewed Halloween Havoc ’97 a show featuring maybe the best (Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.) and the worst (Hogan and Piper in a giant chicken wire cage) matches of the year.
Click here to watch this week’s episode on WWE Network. You can catch up with all the previous episodes of WCW Monday Nitro on the Best and Worst of Nitro tag page. Follow along with the competition here.
Remember, if you want us to keep writing 20-year-old WCW jokes, click the share buttons and spread the column around. If you don’t tell them how much you like these, nobody’s going to read them. If you’re a fan of the vintage reports, make sure you check out the ill-advised and somehow-still-going NWA TNA weekly pay-per-view recap series.
And now, the best and worst of WCW Monday Nitro, originally aired on October 27, 1997.
Worst: The WCW Main Event Scene Is Turning Into An Orgy
I don’t know if they’re showing him love for jumping off the world’s tallest and stupidest cage the night before or what, but the main thing you’ll take away from this week’s episode of Monday Nitro is, “everyone wants to have sex with the Macho Man.”
This week’s show is a three-hour thing to promote the next night’s TNT premiere of Assault on Devil’s Island — Hulk Hogan’s TV movie about him trying to keep his wig on while hanging from a hovercraft — and features two big main events: Hollywood Hogan vs. Diamond Dallas Page, and Ric Flair vs. the Macho Man.
When asked about Hogan, Page says he’s going to “whack him with something” (pictured), and tells him to ask the Macho Man what happens when he faces DDP:
When I was in middle school I heard a rumor that Diamond Dallas Page wore that rib tape because he had one of his ribs surgically removed so he could … wait, that wasn’t Page. Nevermind.
The Ruthless Sexual Aggression continues later when Ric Flair’s asked what will happen during his match with Savage, and he answers — I’m not shitting you — “Drugs? No. Violence? Yes! Sex? YES!”
Sex yes? And I’m guessing drugs definitely yes.
He tries to salvage it by adding, “brother, right here, you, Miss Elizabeth, and the Nature Boy! [dances in a circle] It’s gonna be crazy! Because Savage! I’m gonna end your reign with Slim Jim in one minute and give Liz a ride on Space Mountain in the next!” That’s … are they going to have a threesome later? Is that why they’re calling it “hour number three?”
Best: The Mystery Of La Parka’s Subterranean Helper
This one’s happening thanks to La Parka cheating to beat Glacier in a tag team match back on August 25. First of all, name something from an old Nitro I’m going to Best harder than, “Glacier and La Parka get into a karate fight.” Seriously, I’ll wait.
Second of all, this match created a mystery I’ve never successfully solved and consider at LEAST as important as “who raised the briefcase” (Big Boss Man, pay attention) or “who was driving the hummer” (Carmen Electra) (no, really). La Parka gets knocked out of the ring via kara-tay, but instead of landing on the floor, he lands on a random person in jeans who’d been crouching near the ring. Wait, what?
Who the hell is that? As soon as the camera cuts to them, they crawl under the ring. I assume it’s a random ring crew guy, but (1) why were they on all fours at ringside, (2) were they there to soften La Parka’s fall, and if not, (3) what kind of Fabio getting hit in the face with a bird while riding a roller coaster in Virginia shit is it when Glacier karates La Parka out of the ring onto a random crawler? So weird.
Glacier wins with the Cryonic Kick, because he might not be the best wrestler in the company, but he’s got the most experience wrestling skeletons.
Best: Chris Jericho Is Trying To Kill Himself And Others
At Halloween Havoc, Chris Jericho tried a top rope hurricanrana on Gedo and legitimately almost died. Much like Macho Man and his giant cage knees, it’s amazing that Jericho’s still walking, much less wrestling a full match the next night. You’ve got 800 guys on your roster, give the man a night off.
Not only does he wrestle a full match the next night, he wrestles a good one. It’s Jericho vs. Eddie Guerrero, which is a nice cross-section of Havoc stories. Guerrero is in top form, but lost his match. Jericho got mutilated, but won his. They play on that dynamic by having Guerrero target Jericho’s injury, and by Jericho having such a big ol’ lion’s heart that he keeps fighting back. He even appears to have the match won at one point, but is too physically exhausted and in pain to stay upright and lock in the Lion Tamer. He gets one last gasp with a suplex attempt, but Eddie pushes him back into the ropes (pictured) and falls to the outside, mostly on his feet. Jericho’s neck snaps on the top rope, and Eddie’s able to quickly scurry up the outside of the ropes and hit a frog splash to the back of the goddamn head for the win.
Super underrated little Nitro match you won’t see getting a bunch of stars anywhere, but it tells a concise story and gets both guys over. The best news: Jericho’s heel turn that transforms him from a lower-card guy desperate for love into everyone’s favorite wrestler is only two months away. Maybe the kayfabe explanation is that Gedo (and maybe this frog splash) gave him brain damage?
Worst: The Commentary
Tony Schiavone has a particularly off night here, calling the Lion Tamer the “Lionsault” — he’s trying to lock in the Lionsault~! — and saying a superplex is what he was trying to when Gedo hurt him at Havoc. Mike Tenay has to passive-aggressively correct him about it. Not only that, but he spends the entire third hour of the show … I’m talking the entire third hour … talking about Assault on Devil’s Island. Definitely not the greatest moments in the history of our sport.
Best: Is Dean Malenko’s Gutbuster Off The Ropes The Best Move Ever Yes/Yes
Because WCW is throwing everything at the wall to make their three-hour commercial for Hulk Hogan’s TV movie pop, we also get another Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Dean Malenko Cruiserweight Championship match. As you know if you’ve seen these two wrestle before, they could have a good-to-great match in their sleep. Seriously, you could put two sleeping bags in the middle of the ring and turn off all the lights and in the darkness they’d yawn and stretch their way into something better than 90% of what’s been on a WrestleMania.
The finishing sequence here is especially good. Malenko practically ends Mysterio’s life with the best move ever, the fireman’s carry gutbuster off the second rope. Momentum causes Rey to roll too close to the ropes, and he’s able to grab them to avoid being beaten. Frustrated, Malenko tries a brainbuster, but Mysterio wiggles out and lands on his feet. Malenko shoots a standing switch and pushes Rey into the ropes, but Rey holds on. As Malenko’s rolling backwards, Rey slingshots himself over the top to the apron, then back in for the hurricanrana through the legs. Malenko counters THAT by powerbombing the ever-loving shit out of him and grabs the Texas Cloverleaf. As he’s turning Rey over, Rey grabs Malenko’s ankle and trips him up into a cradle to get the three. I don’t usually like listing every move they did like I’m a 411 recapper, but shit, this is so good.
This and the Jericho match are setting the stage for a Guerrero vs. Mysterio rematch at World War 3, and you can probably figure out why you’ve been hearing about the the first match for 20 years and not the second.
Best: This Show Is Full Of Great Wrestling, Jeez
ALSO GREAT on this show is what WWE Network describes as “Fit Finlay in singles action.” You know the drill.
When I was a kid, I hated guys like Fit Finlay and Lord Steven Regal because they were these weird dumpy ugly foreign guys who just hit people in the face over and over, and I wanted to see luchador skeletons and ice ninjas and little Spider-Men doing West Coast Pops to tiny Bret Hart types. As an adult who has sat through the past 20 years of televised and independent wrestling, there is NOTHING I WANT TO SEE MORE than ugly dumpy guys hitting each other in the face. Nothing.
Finlay vs. Benoit is exactly that. The selling point of Finlay is that he never seemed like he understood wrestling was fake, so he’d like, try to cave in Steve Regal’s face with real punches and the only way you could beat him was by adapting and hitting him back. He’s like Katsuyori Shibata if he was Irish and looked like Magnum T.A.’s dad. There are few people on the roster more equipped to handle “not knowing wrestling is entertainment” than Chris Benoit, so a sky-high headbutt to the face wins the match.
There’s as much bullshit in these three hour Nitros as ever, but man, you can only hate so much on a show that has Rey vs. Malenko, Guerrero vs. Jericho, Benoit vs. Finlay and Glacier vs. La Parka on it.
Anyway, Here’s Everything Else That Sucked
William Scott Goldberg is supposed to challenge Disco Inferno for the Television Championship, but they’ve got two problems. One, they just had Disco job to Jacqueline at Halloween Havoc, so booking Disco vs. GOLDBERG the next night is like booking a newborn baby against a wood chipper. Two, Goldberg is ALREADY getting a pop for his entrance despite having only been around for a few weeks and winning squash matches, so they have to like, pull back on the planned booking to keep him feeling special. He’s only been around for a month and he feels too important to be feuding with Mongo and Alex Wright.
So the match never actually happens, as Das Wunderkind shows up in an outfit that makes him look like a bundle of fucking scallions to start shit with Billy Scott and gets punched in the throat. Goldberg drags him into the ring and Jackhammers him, then immediately spears and Jackhammers Disco. Mongo shows up to continue their feud and is IMMEDIATELY knocked down with a spear, and a pull-apart brawl happens to set up (spoiler alert) Mongo vs. Goldberg not actually happening at World War 3. Ah well. Goldberg as TV Champion would’ve been more than perfect for him. Shame it never happened.
Raven still hasn’t signed a contract with WCW despite being on WCW every week and getting booked into matches — no idea — including this one with Scotty Riggs. He tells Riggs to join him and Riggs refuses, so Raven drop toe-holds him into a steel chair and puts out one of his eyes. This of course sets up Riggs having to wear an eye patch for a couple of years and earning the dubious honor of being the guy in the Flock who looks most like a sexy pirate.
It’s a bad night for Members of Harlem Heat.
First, Stevie Ray gets Torture Racked by Lex Luger and almost hurts himself in the process. See, when Luger picks you up in the rack, you need to keep your body relatively straight until he can get upright with an arm around your head and an arm around your leg. Instead of keeping his legs straight, Stevie bends one of them and brings it up to his waist (pictured) so Luger almost falls over and Burning Hammers him.
Steve’s got it better than Booker T, though, who loses a match to Curt Hennig after getting, as you can see in the picture, a Macho Man elbow drop to the b-hole. Macho dropped that shit directly into his ass. It also looks like Hennig’s giving Booker a low blow, so he’s either trash compacting Booker’s balls or trying to get a forearm up to prevent total rectal elimination.
The referee doesn’t see any of this, somehow, and Booker actually loses seconds later to disqualification when Ric Flair runs out and starts attacking Hennig. Violence? Yes. Drugs. Probably. Sex? Kind of!
Whatever you say, Scott.
Public Enemy hasn’t been on the show for months, so of course they’re the first team to get a title shot against the new tag champs the Steiner Brothers. They didn’t even have to win a number one contender match! I’m honestly surprised the Steiners didn’t have to beat Harlem Heat for a chance to defend the titles against Public Enemy.
The 1997 Steiner Brothers vs. Any Year Public Enemy is exactly what you’d imagine: perfectly fine, but also so inherently bad you’d rather watch a couple of rabid raccoons fight in a garbage can. God bless Rocco Rock, though, for being this far into the 1990s and still wrestling in a hockey jersey with MONDAY NITRO ROCK NAUGHTY MACDADDY on the back.
Fun note: next week the Steiners defend the tag titles for the second week in a row. Against Public Enemy. Sorry not sorry forever, Harlem Heat.
Worst: Macho Man Gets Banged
If you read that part about Booker T losing to Curt Hennig because Ric Flair ran in and caused a disqualification, you’d have to have a lobotomy to guess any followup besides “Curt Hennig interferes in Ric Flair’s match against the Macho Man.”
As for Savage, he should really take a break from jumping off of things. He’s clearly not 100% after jumping off the cage at Halloween Havoc, so he overshoots the elbow on Booker to go arm-deep in his b-h and dives face-first into the security railing trying to hit Flair with his signature Falling Head Touch. I slowed down the GIF a little so you can see Mach going teeth-to-rail.
In a related note, total bait and switch here as Flair and Savage never start having sex. I thought maybe I’d just blacked it out.
Worst: Hogan Network Television
And now, roughly an hour of the show devoted to Assault on Devil’s Island hairpiece-holder Hollywood Hogan. In this one episode, Hogan:
- opens the show by declaring that he’s “God”
- challenges anyone in the crowd to get in the ring and fight him, making me wonder if that fan at the end of Halloween Havoc was really a plant, and if they were like, trying to get people to jump the rail for real so the wrestlers could beat up strangers
- shows clips from Assault on Devil’s Island, which are both horrible and edited out of the WWE Network broadcast because I guess they didn’t get the rights to the Thunder In Paradise cinematic universe
- renames TNT “HNT: Hogan Network Television
- completely and utterly dominates Diamond Dallas Page for like 10 minutes until a fake Sting comes into the ring, gets a Diamond Cutter and causes the match to be thrown out
- beats up Page with the nWo for several uninterrupted minutes while nobody from WCW helps
- immediately flees when Actual Sting appears, and stands at ringside while Sting awkwardly tries to explain to the B-team how to take a Scorpion Death Drop
- and, most importantly, returns AFTER THAT for an additional promo where he challenges Sting to meet him at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas for a contract signing aired exclusively during the commercial breaks of, get this, Assault on Devil’s Island
If you’d like to know what happened without sitting through a 3-hour broadcast of a 90-minute Hulk Hogan action movie, here you go. Yes, they made you wait through that entire broadcast to see Hogan at a podium saying “Sting’s not gonna show” just as Sting appears and signs the contract. AND THEN NOTHING HAPPENS.
Starrcade is going to be a great day for Sting, I bet!
If you’d like to full experience, go watch Assault on Devil’s Island on YouTube, watch an hour and a half of commercials from 1997 and then watch that minute-20 of contract signing.
Next Week:
A new Television Champion is crowned, a luchador battle royal with the most WCW ending you can imagine, and Ric Flair takes on Alex Wright in a match that I hope involves Sex Yes.
