Previously on the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro: The New World Order pissed everyone off to a legendary degree by parodying the Arn Anderson retirement promo and making it about how he’s a drunk leper. Also, Nitro continued to explain its mission statement, which is, “WCW is terrible.”
Click here to watch this week’s episode on WWE Network. You can catch up with all the previous episodes of WCW Monday Nitro on the Best and Worst of Nitro tag page. Follow along with the competition here.
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And now, the best and worst of WCW Monday Nitro, originally aired on September 8, 1997.
Worst: The Horsemen Are Pissed, Do Nothing
This week’s episode starts off with a very WCW bit about how Tony Schiavone refuses to “play the tape” of the nWo’s Arn parody, Eric Bischoff shows up to make him play it anyway, and the Horsemen show up about 30 seconds in to run Bisch off and stop it. Very few things in WCW seemed as serious as whether or not they had VHS tapes of things to show, and whether or not they’d be shown.
Anyway, the Horsemen start off the show with what should be a hot, fired-up, passionate babyface promo that ends with them beating the shit out of the nWo for what they did. Instead, they try to do the promo in Milwaukee, where Steve McMichael is public enemy #76, and he heels on them for being cheeseheads. Flair and Hennig try to salvage it by saying they want revenge and want the nWo in a match right here, right now, so of course nothing happens. They aren’t leaving until they get what they want, so security shows up and the Horsemen leave. Derp.
And they DO get a tag team match later in the night against Konnan and Buff Bagwell, which they wrestle without any fire like it’s a normal tag team match and win with their signature wrestling holds instead of violent punching. And you wonder why nobody took the Horsemen seriously after this?
Please use “Buff Bagwell sipping tea dot GIF” for any future Four Horsemen angle discussion.
Best: Halloween Havoc Is Gonna Be DOPE
If you know anything about WCW in 1997, you probably know that Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio Jr. had one of the best matches of the decade (and, almost unarguably, one of if not the greatest cruiserweight match of all time) at Halloween Havoc. To say it rules requires an almost supernatural emphasis on the word “rules.” It ALL OF THE RULES.
The build to that starts here, on Nitro, with the return of Mysterio and a match against Guerrero. This is the first ever singles match between the two, and you wouldn’t know that Mysterio was coming back from knee surgery because Guerrero beats him like he stole something. Eddie just MANHANDLES him, from that great, Benoit-style “whip you into the ropes and clothesline the Christ out of you as soon as you turn around” spot to one of Guerrero’s “powerbomb the bones and guts out of you and then fold you in half like you don’t have bones or guts” powerbombs.
If you’ve got 10 minutes free today, check this out. Watch the Daily Motion version I embedded up there if you want some 1997 commercials in the middle. I’d like to think they had this match, saw how naturally good they were in the ring together and thought, “why haven’t we been doing this? Let’s see how good we can make it.” I’d also like to think both of them watched the tape and thought, “we should call now to get Fantastic Follies for only $19.95.”
Best: Vanity Working On A Weak Head, Produces Every Sort Of Mischief
In a match too WCW Saturday Night for WCW Saturday Night to contain, Disco Inferno takes on Hugh Morrus.
Somewhere near the middle, Alex Wright shows up from out of nowhere on the outside and just starts dancing, independent of music, adding to my ever-growing collection of “Alex Wright dances into frame” GIFs. Pretty soon I’m gonna have more of these uploaded to the UPROXX media library than identical Lee Marshall 1-800-COLLECT road report graphics.
I actually really love the finish to this match, which sees Alex try to help Disco by sliding him the Television Championship to use as a weapon behind the referee’s back. Disco grabs it, but is too busy looking at himself in the reflection of the belt to react and gets smushed by a No Laughing Matter.
After the match, Alex helps Disco to his feet, kind of, but not before putting on the title. He’s not being arrogant, he just doesn’t want to accidentally put out one of Disco’s eyes. They shove and argue, and the courtship of the original antiquated, Euro-trash Breezango continues.
Worst: The Brad Armstrong Heel Turn You’ve Been Waiting For
Chris Jericho defends the Cruiserweight Championship against Brad Armstrong, a guy who, sure, was a light heavyweight back in 1992, but in 1997 has one of those 260-pound Billy Gunn “look how fit I am, please keep me employed” super-in-shape aging wrestler bodies. You know a guy doesn’t have much faith in his future when he suddenly bulks up and starts looking like a dirt mall Chris Masters.
To make things worse, Jericho’s still in the middle of the only period of his entire career where you could say he’s bland, so nothing really happens until Eddie Guerrero runs back out, attacks Jericho, and enlists BRAD ARMSTRONG DARK to help him out. Honestly, I wish they’d stuck with this fledgling faction idea with Guerrero, Jarrett, Wright and a bunch of Brad Armstrongs (and maybe Disco) and formed a New World Order of heels who wanna help each other cheat all the time but aren’t 1997 Cool.
Guerrero and Jericho wrestle for the Cruiserweight Championship in the opener of Fall Brawl, and spoiler alert, it’s boring. Somehow. But good news, for better or worse this is the last few months that Jericho’s ever boring.
Oh God, Worst: The Most Retroactively Cringeworthy Segment Of 1997
Hollywood Hogan takes a break from filming Knight on Bald Mountain or whatever to cut a promo on Sting, calling him a “yelly-belly coward” and a “wiener dog.” That’s not the bad part. The bad part is that they have “Sting” interrupt the promo, but he’s a mannequin.
That they drop from the ceiling.
To his death.
No, really.
To make things worse, they pretend for a minute that it’s the real Sting, including the nWo “breaking kayfabe” to help him, screaming for help and a stretcher. As you probably don’t need to me tell you, this actually happens on a wrestling show about a year and a half later, so … uh, this isn’t great.
If there’s a silver lining to any of it, it’s Tony Schiavone having to act shocked when it’s very clearly a mannequin the entire time. “Oh no. Oh no. What in the world has happened?” Poor Tony’s about two sentences away from yelling, “They’re eating her, and then they’re going to eat me! Oh my God!“
Worst: I’M HERE
If you were worried that segment wouldn’t have any ramifications, because WCW, welcome back Rowdy Roddy Piper, the worst part of literally any Nitro he ever appeared on. Don’t get me wrong … Piper was a pop culture icon and one of the most entertaining pro wrestlers of all time, but his late ’90s Nitro run was Ultimate Warrior in the mirror bad. If this is your first Nitro report and don’t understand, please go back and check out the time he challenged Hulk Hogan via romantic European music video, or the time he prepared for Hulk Hogan by locking himself in Alcatraz for a week, or the time he built a family to fight Hulk Hogan by shootfighting a bunch of guys in jeans and then abandoned them a week later.
This time around, Piper is the new acting chairman for the WCW Executive Committee, filling in for an injured J.J. Dillon, and get this: he challenges Hulk Hogan to a cage match at Halloween Havoc. He also accidentally seals the fate of the Four Horsemen by removing Lex Luger and Diamond Dallas Page from the upcoming War Games match against the New World Order and subbing in the Horsemen. Two great decisions already, and we haven’t even asked why dude’s taping up his wrists to cut a promo.
Best: The Lonely Grave Of Super Calo
Human head-on collision between two cars filled with garbage Super Calo takes on Scott Hall, and it ends like you’re expecting: with Hall removing Calo’s head from his body, then sitting on him like he’s a desk chair.
The part of the match (and of the night, probably) is Hall trying to make Calo take off his sunglasses.
After the match, Ray Traylor shows up to kick Hall’s ass. He also manages to kick Vincent’s ass, but gets distracted by Hollywood Hogan and attacked from behind. The nWo proceeds to gang up on him and beat him down, and spray-paint “Ray?” on his back. Amazingly, Hogan manages to make me laugh for maybe the second or third time ever on purpose, and maybe the eighth or ninth time by accident:
Note: Ray Traylor doesn’t show up again until the middle of October, if you’re wondering where this went and why you don’t remember getting into Ray Traylor.
Worst: WHO WILL BE THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDERS
WCW doesn’t really know what to do with its tag teams, but they’ve got two matches signed for Fall Brawl — the Faces of Fear vs. Mortis and Wrath, and the Steiner Brothers vs. Harlem Heat in their landmark 200th “number one contender” match of the year — so they book the Faces vs. the Steiners and have the other two teams interfere.
I was gonna make a joke about how they should’ve segregated them by race and stolen WWF’s “Gang Warz” idea, but … that actually looks like what’s going on, so thanks for writing my jokes 20 years in advance, WCW.
Best: The History Of Charlotte
This week, Lee Marshall drops his most delightfully obscure and dated reference by saying WCW Monday Nitro is the “biggest thing to come to Charlotte since Vlade Divac.” He also says the city is named after the wife of King George III, which is why it’s called the Queen City, and that residents are grateful it wasn’t named after the King’s sewer inspector, “Lord Weaselton.”
If I ever find a magical lamp, my first wish will be to bring Lee Marshall back to life. My second wish will be that he helps me write a Forrest Gump-style novel about how all of these 1-800-COLLECT road reports are true, and how generations and generations of Heenans bounced around the globe being weasels and ruining things.
My third wish would be a reliable, easy-to-remember way to save money on my collect calls.
Best: Reffed In The World
Dean Malenko wrestles Psicosis and that’s all well and good, but you’ll want to check out this match for the greatest referee punk-out in wrestling history.
During the match, a fan tries to run into the ring. What happens next is a thing of absolute beauty:
Yes, that is the world’s smallest referee, 5-foot-6, 140-pound Mark Curtis, hitting a fucking KINSHASA on a fan and shutting him down with a guillotine choke.
The announce team making fun of the guy for getting beaten up by Curtis is almost as funny. I really hope this dude’s been living in shame for the past 20 years, and that his loved ones respond to everything he tries to do with “remember that time the littlest man beat your ass?” He’s like, “honey, can you pass the yams,” and she’s like, “I don’t know, can you take them from me without getting choked out by Mark Curtis?”
Best: Worst. Handshake. Ever.
Amazingly, the thing you’re gonna take away from this week’s Nitro report isn’t the return of Roddy Piper, or the death of a Sting mannequin, or even Shootfighter Mark Curtis. What you’re gonna remember most is Lex Luger and Diamond Dallas Page making up after weeks of accidentally hitting each other by attempting the worst handshake ever.
First, let me set the scene. Diamond Dallas Page and Lex Luger are facing each other in the main event to work out their differences and make sure they’re “on the same page” heading into War Games. Except, you know, earlier on this show Roddy Piper took them OUT of War Games, rendering the match meaningless. A few seconds in, the nWo attacks. It’s the main event of Nitro, what’re they supposed to do, not show up en masse and ruin it?
Luger and Page have to team up to fight them off, and the Giant shows up to even the odds while everyone in the crowd throws two hours of trash at them. When it’s over, Luger and Page realize they’re friends again, and that’s when it happens:
Next Week: Fall Brawl, where everything starts to go wrong for WCW. [checks notes] “Continues.” Where everything continues to go wrong.
