WWE Fastlane: End Of The Lane (note: not its actual name) airs this Sunday, March 5, live on WWE Network. The Raw-exclusive show is headlined by about 30 seconds of a Universal Championship match between the champion, Kevin Owens, and the challenger, Bill. The event also features matches for the Raw Women’s, Raw Tag Team and Cruiserweight Championships, but sadly no feuds about burned down houses.
Here’s the complete WWE Fastlane 2017 card as we know it.
WWE Fastlane 2017 Card:
1. Universal Championship Match: Kevin Owens (c) vs. Goldberg
2. Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman
3. Raw Women’s Championship Match: Bayley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair
4. Raw Tag Team Championship Match: The Club (c) vs. Enzo Amore and Big Cass
5. Cruiserweight Championship Match: Neville (c) vs. Jack Gallagher
6. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax
7. Samoa Joe vs. Sami Zayn
8. Kickoff Match: Rich Swann and Akira Tozawa vs. The Brian Kendrick and Noam Dar
As always, here’s our complete rundown of the event featuring predictions and analysis for all eight matches. Be sure to drop down into our comments section to let us know what you think will happen at the show, and which of the 0-2 possible run-ins you’re calling for the main.
And now, our predictions for Fastblock:
Kickoff Match: Rich Swann and Akira Tozawa vs. The Brian Kendrick and Noam Dar
What Should Happen: Gran Metalik and Zack Sabre Jr. should randomly show up, pick a side and turn this into a trios match featuring stuff that makes us pay attention and makes us want to see the cruiserweights wrestle. Either that, or time and effort should be dedicated to giving Swann and Tozawa a true showcase of their skills, instead of just one (1) dive each and dropkicks and chinlocks until it’s time to hit their signature moves.
What Will Happen: One (1) dive each and dropkicks and chinlocks until it’s time to hit their signature moves. As good as this can be, it can’t be until the fundamentals behind the division change. I don’t see that happening, so instead we’ll get one of the most skippable Kickoff matches we’ve ever had. I’d make a joke about how this should be happening in two minutes on Raw, but I’m about 75% sure no matter who wins, they’ll do the rematch ON Raw. For the sake of pick-ems, Kendrick rolls up Tozawa to give him Lesson Number Four.
Note: picking the heels to win a multi-person cruiserweight match is probably my dumbest pick of all time.
Staff Picks
Bill Hanstock – It’s smart of Dar to team with something who is historically good at jackets. That’s what Kendrick brings to the table. I’m excited about the super-team of Swann and Tozawa, but I believe this will end with another lesson in respect from Kendrick to Tozawa. Let’s hope everyone just has a nice, fun yell before that happens.
Chris Trew – (ed. note: Trew sent us his predictions in the form of haiku)
I Would Really Like
To See Something Jaw Dropping
Improve Kickoffs Please
Joe Starr – At least Nitro usually made these Trios matches. I like all these dudes being flippy. Bring me more dudes I like being flippy. Where’s Cedric? Hell, gimme some Ho Ho. Hopefully they let this be fast moving and fun. Finish comes when Akira Tozawa sprints out of the TV and German Suplexes me for being so negative. Also Swann pins Dar. Or Akira gets the best of Kendrick and someone on the announce team says something like ‘turnabout is fair play, King!’ And Corey is like ‘I’m not Jerry.’
Austin Heiberg – I have Swann and Tozawa winning here. They’ll then bring Johnny Gargano up from NXT and win the Raw Open The Triangle Gate championships. This has been your Dragon Gate USA Joke of the Day.
Justin Donaldson – It absolutely does not matter who wins this match at all. Like 90% of these WWE Cruiserweight matches, they are absolutely meaningless, forgettable, and all blend into each other. I predict this will be more of the same.
Samoa Joe vs. Sami Zayn
What Should Happen: The match of the show, obviously. Joe and Zayn had very good but not necessarily great matches in NXT — even the ones that were specifically booked to be the “great” ones — so hopefully a change of scenery and expectation will allow them to tell a good story and put on a match that will blow away the main roster WWE Universe instead of getting stuck being the second or third best match on a TakeOver.
That said, even my love of Sami Zayn and the “what should happen” category doesn’t give him the win here. This is Joe’s main roster WWE pay-per-view debut, and he’s facing a guy who is defined by losing to new monsters. I’d prefer this be the “Sami puts up a good fight but ultimately loses” Sami Zayn match instead of the “Sami gets instantly brutalized and loses like a chump” one.
What Will Happen: Joe, all the way. The only way I could see Zayn winning this is if Seth Rollins hobbles out and cracks Joe in the back of the head with a crutch, but the segment on Raw made it seem like we’re aiming directly at the Rollins appearance for WrestleMania. Let’s hope Sami’s dramatic loss here sets him up for a ladder match victory at WrestleMania, or something similar. Maybe Sami can win the Andre the Giant?
Staff Picks
Bill Hanstock – Ohhhhhh lord, Sami is gonna die. Joe has taken out Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns (kinda) and Cesaro. Sami Zayn’s Sami Zayn ass isn’t gonna be the first person to hand Joe a main roster loss. He’ll die real good and hang in there longer than is intelligent for him to, and maybe Mick Foley will show up to throw in the towel or concern-yell at him. We all like when that happens, right?
Chris Trew – Both Guys Good Wrestlers
Both Guys Work Hard to Get Here
Make Me Sound Cave Man
Joe Starr – How is the exact hell did Raw make me sort of hate Sami friggin Zayn? I mean, if Sami can’t beat Cesaro and Cesaro can’t beat Samoa Joe, this is all about Samoa Joe. Zayn will refuse to stay down and get beaten up because of it. In my heart of hearts, Kevin Owens chases Joe off, helps Sami up, and then powerbombs him.
Austin Heiberg – hat do we think, consensus show-stealer here, right? I just want both of these guys to stay healthy going into Wrestlemania, but they’ll probably tear it down even if they’re wrestling conservatively. As for the result, Triple H’s brand-new muscle can ill afford an early loss, so I’ll give this to Joe.
Justin Donaldson – In what I’m sure will be another hard fought valiant effort by Sami Zayn, he is losing to Samoa Joe. Unless of course this is where Rollins decides to get his revenge.
Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax
What Should Happen: Sasha Banks keeps losing to Nia Jax, and has spent the entirety of the time between her most recent title loss and now seeming like a constantly injured non-factor. If we’re going to build any drama or buy Sasha Banks doing anything going forward in the short term, she needs to pull off a victory here. Have her surprise Jax with something, and if you have to 50/50 it, have Nia beat her up after the match. Maybe have Bayley run out to make the save and get injured too, doing the Lord Steven Regal/Prince Iaukea/Ultimo Dragon TV title change from 1997.
What Will Happen: It feels like it would be the most pointless thing in the world to have Nia just squash Sasha and win again. While I think there’s a good chance of that happening, because WWE’s got the short term memory of Dory from Finding Nemo, I’ve got to believe they understand this and will give Sasha the win here. Tie it all together with the Sasha/Bayley, Sasha/Charlotte and Charlotte/Bayley dynamics and put together that fatal four-way for WrestleMania you know they’re doing. If Sasha loses, why should they even let her in that thing?
Staff Picks
Bill Hanstock – The woman who broke Sasha gets another chance to break Sasha, because there are no heroes on Raw, only angry hosses who demand meat sacrifices for their hoss god. Nia will win here and demand a place in the WrestleMania multi-woman match, where hopefully Charlotte Flair will lose on pay-per-view and allow us to just do anything else for a little while.
Chris Trew – She’s Too Big For Banks
But Her Intro Is Corny
A Time Limit Draw
Joe Starr – How did the brand that scored Charlotte, Banks, AND Bayley end up with the least interesting division? I’d really like this to be Sting vs Vader, but I just don’t think we’re that lucky. Banks wins and builds momentum to the triple threat at Mania, while Jax plots for revenge in the preshow opener at Mania. ALTERNATE PREDICTION: something something Emma
Austin Heiberg – Simply due to the fact that Sasha took the L at the Royal Rumble, I think she’ll rebound and get the win here. Wish I had more insight on this, but the Raw women’s division is the portion of WWE that most feels like it’s booked by roulette wheel.
Justin Donaldson – I think Nia Jax is going to take this one, and I think she’s going to do it clean. It’s kind of what they need to do to keep building her up if they want to justify having her in the title match at Mania.
Cruiserweight Championship Match: Neville (c) vs. Jack Gallagher
What Should Happen: Neville should wrestle Jack Gallagher like a semi-truck wrestles a deer.
What Will Happen: I like Jack Gallagher a lot, but running him up against Neville really exposes him, in my opinion. Why would anyone doubt that Spartan-ass Neville is the King of the Cruiserweights when his top contender is a 12-year old boy cosplaying daddy and carrying around an umbrella?
The way to fix this, at least in my head where it’s a problem, would be to have Gallagher really pull out everything he knows in an attempt to win the title and prove himself. You can do the cutesy fun World of Sport shit with some urgency and purpose. So instead of comically tying Neville up in a ball and posing around the ring so everyone laughs, maybe tie him up in a ball and then kick him in the face? Instead of just hand-standing out of a headlock, maybe handstand out of it into a cool submission? Something that makes him seem more like a wrestler and less like one of the guys in suits from the Bioshock Infinite Vigors previews.
Neville wins, or I start to think that maybe wrestling is fake.
Staff Picks
Bill Hanstock – I love me some Jack Gallagher, and I’ve enjoyed the build to this match immensely, but Pasty McGoo isn’t getting the better of FURIOUS MUSCLETROLL Neville at Fastlane, no how, no way. My hope is that Neville wins, then savages Gallagher so egregiously that Austin Aries has to hit the ring to pull the Vegeta man away. Or I dunno, Pete Dunne hits the ring or something. Look, someone hit the ring, already.
Chris Trew – I Just Wanna Say
This Match Is Cool And All That
But Where is Rusev
Joe Starr – The Gentleman will be a perfectly acceptable babyface victim we feed to Neville, who is currently doing some of the best work of his career. Looking forward to watching him eat the rest of this roster whole until it’s Cedric o’Clock.
Austin Heiberg – I love Gallagher, but I think Neville’s got this one in a walk. That said: Neville, if you’re reading this, you gotta go all in with the whole King of the Cruiserweights thing. I’m talking Mad King Aerys Targaryen here. Or maybe hire Tony Nese to be your Wormtongue, I don’t know, just commit to it.
Justin Donaldson – I don’t want to get excited for a Cruiserweight match because they’ve burned me too many times before, but I just can’t help it. Neville’s going to retain in what I hope is allowed to be a great match. Fingers crossed!
Raw Tag Team Championship Match: The Club (c) vs. Enzo Amore and Big Cass
What Should Happen: The Club feels like they only got the championships because if they didn’t, they wouldn’t get to be wrestlers anymore. It feels like a pity reign. Plus, they’re maybe the most transitional champions ever, and we’re about a month out from WrestleMania. It makes sense to have an, I don’t know, popular team holding the championships at Mania whether I like them or not, and Enzo and Cass fit that bill. They’ve never won championship gold of any kind, so maybe give them a feel-good run for a few weeks and have Yonder Matt and Jeff Hardy teleport in and blow through them at Mania. DELIGHTFUL!
What Will Happen: If I know my Raw booking, the Club looked like chumps in two weeks of 2-on-1 handicap matches against Roman Reigns and lost a one-on-one to Big Cass last week so they could illogically win here and stay the champions. And if Enzo and Cass are winning the belts before Mania, they’re losing a few times and then winning on a random Raw.
Here’s hoping The Club eats up Enzo Amore like a sexy box of chicken.
Staff Picks
Bill Hanstock – Enzo and Cass will win the titles, but they’ll win them at WrestleMania, not here. The Club uses nefarious means to retain, and/or Enzo and Cass win by disqualification to maybe set up a multi-team match at WrestleMania or something? All I know is The Club is owed a few freebies after losing every match in history since they debuted.
Chris Trew – Enzo Is Convinced
He’s Cute, Funny, And The Best
Please Club, Stop This Man
Joe Starr – Brandon got my heart set on Cass kicking the hell out of Enzo and joining The Club. So….that. Please.
Austin Heiberg – I think The Club’s got this one. Enzo and Cass are probably the ones to end their reign, but not on Fastlane.
Justin Donaldson – I think if Enzo and Cass are going to win the belt, it will happen at Mania. I think The Club holds on to the belt here, but do it through some good old fashioned heel cheating.
Raw Women’s Championship Match: Bayley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair
What Should Happen: What should happen is that we should forget the last few weeks of Raw, and Bayley should shockingly end Charlotte’s pay-per-view winning streak here, a show before WrestleMania, to really give Charlotte an angry edge. Then you’ve got Bayley going into WrestleMania as champion, and you pull the trigger on Sasha Banks going Chaotic Evil and hurting her best friend to win back the championship. And then maybe we stop worrying so much about pay-per-view win streaks, especially since these Network live specials barely count as pay-per-views.
What Will Happen: Challengers win the championship on Raw, Charlotte wins it back on pay-per-views. It is known.
Staff Picks
Bill Hanstock – You know how good Smackdown’s women division has been for a while now? Raw is … a different show. Charlotte wins on pay-per-view, so let’s go ahead and shuffle the championship right back to her for no damn good reason before we get a four-way match at WrestleMania. Here’s hoping Stephanie runs to ringside to yell RING THE DAMN BELL the instant Charlotte locks on the figure eight.
Chris Trew – Charlotte Flair Turns Up
For Every Pay-Per-View
New (Old) Champ Boo Hugs
Joe Starr – What ending gets us closet to ‘all of the women in one match’ at Wrestlemania? Barring that, Flair picks up the win to maintain her PPV record and the story heading into Mania is Bayley the underdog promising to break that record and reclaim her title.
Austin Heiberg – I honestly can’t help but think that Charlotte is being fast-tracked to a ridiculously high number of championship reigns… I don’t know, maybe 16 or so reigns. Just throwing a random, non-consequential number out there. So with that in mind, yeah, I think Charlotte wins.
Justin Donaldson – At this rate, Charlotte’s going to beat her dad’s record before Cena does. I guess she’s winning it back here. It’s ridiculous, but that’s the thing they’re doing, right?
Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman
What Should Happen: This feels handmade for a no contest. You’re heading into WrestleMania, right? You’ve got Roman Reigns, the guy who always wins and never backs down from a fight, the guy who main evented your last two WrestleManias, and he’s gonna need something important to do. Braun is your new monster, and he’s exceeding expectations. Neither of them has anything to do other than “maybe fight the Undertaker,” so why not no contest it and have them go at it again on the big stage? Better yet, throw Taker in there to make it a triple threat, and do that Kane/Big Show/Raven hardcore match from X-7. You don’t want to see Roman Reigns superman punch a guy on a golf cart?
What Will Happen: Match of the show. Despite how much we very rightfully hate his character and booking, Roman Reigns can deliver when (1) his opponent is engaging and fun, and (2) is not Triple H, and (3) does not go over 25 minutes. Braun is fun as hell right now, fast, strong and engaging. He’s coming off one of the best matches of his career against The Big Show of all people on Raw, and he’s been putting on good-to-great stuff with Sami Zayn for a while. He’s not Triple H, nobody interfering makes sense, and they aren’t gonna go 25. So this should be KILLER, and … well, Roman Reigns wins, because of course he does.
Staff Picks
Bill Hanstock – It’s still sort of unbelievable that WWE has built up Braun Strowman this correctly, for this long. That being said, it sure seems like he’s going to run into Roman Reigns, The Guy No One Beats, as the one fatal misstep in said build before he goes on to win The Dré at WrestleMania. Their last couple of interactions have me hoping that there will be some sort of f*ck finish, or that Strowman will keep rollman along, but no. Roman wins.
Chris Trew – Braun Strowman Wins Clean
I Really Wish This Was A
Hair Versus Hair Match
Joe Starr – Braun Strowman is cool as shit and I really want him to win this. Sadly, Roman has armor that classes somewhere between steel and elvish glass in Skyrim so he’s not gonna feel much of what Braun dishes out.
Austin Heiberg – I’ll be the first to admit that I was wrong about my initial impressions of Braun Strowman, because I’m pretty much all in on him now. So much so, in fact, that I think he’ll pick up the win here. Not sure what that leaves him at WrestleMania though… maybe the Andre The Giant battle royal?
Justin Donaldson – This could actually be pretty good. I think Reigns is going to take it, but I think both men are going to come out looking strong.
Universal Championship Match: Kevin Owens (c) vs. Goldberg
What Should Happen: Anything but what you’re thinking.
What Will Happen: What you’re thinking.
Staff Picks
Bill Hanstock – WWE has built this match pretty much perfectly, and the best thing you can say about it going in is that there’s a glimmer of hope that Owens might leave Fastlane with his Universal Championship intact. That said, it’s pretty clear that Goldberg is going to live up to his promise of spearing, jackhammering, and other sexual terms leading up to a 50-year-old becoming the third-ever Universal Champion. And you know what? I ain’t mad about it.
Chris Trew – Unfortunately
Goldberg Wins And It Is Sad
KO Deserves More
Joe Starr – We’ve yet to see Goldberg break the two minute mark in the ring, so I honestly don’t even know what this is supposed to be. It’s so weird to figure out the booking of a match where one of the guys has a 30 second cap. There’s no way this doesn’t immediately turn into Brock Lesnar serving Goldberg a nutritious lunch to eat, right? Or Jericho does a thing? Kevin becomes a Paul Heyman guy? Stone Cold stuns someone? Like, this match would run out of stipulations if you booked it in TEW.
Austin Heiberg – Chris Jericho attacks Owens and gets Goldberg disqualified. No title change. This is pretty much an impossibility, but this is the year of blown 25-point leads, Oscar screw-ups, and [POLITICAL REFERENCE REDACTED]. Impossibilities are basically just double-dog dares at this point. Owens retains.
Justin Donaldson – This match should not exist. This has to be a part of whatever rift in the space-time continuum made Donald Trump president and killed Prince. In fact, I don’t think it should exist. I look at it and want to yell, “Kill it!” But it’s also by far the thing I’m looking forward to watching on Sunday the most. I gotta go with Goldberg, but hopefully Kevin Owens brings a stun gun.
