at least it isnt Stormy Daniels
Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War: Triple H led the Dick Army into the parking lot at WCW Monday Nitro and tUrNeD tHe TiDe In ThE MoNdAy NiGhT wArS. Also, Owen Hart turned on Ken Shamrock to join a black militant separatist group, and Vince McMahon figured out that he could just change all the rules to a wrestling match on the fly to punish a wrestler he doesn’t like. Hope THAT doesn’t keep happening for 20 years!
If you haven’t seen this episode, you can watch it on WWE Network here. Check out all the episodes you may have missed at the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War and Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw tag pages. Follow along with the competition here.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War for May 4, 1998.
Best: No Love Lost
This week’s episode opens with “The Love Shack,” Dude Love’s talk show segment, only without Dude Love; Mick Foley is upset about Goldust getting what he thought should’ve been his title shot last week, and is having an identity crisis brought on by selling out and still not getting what he wants. He says he’s never putting on the Dude Love costume again and complains about being put in a no holds barred match against his best friend, Terry Funk, tonight.
In true Emperor Palpatine fashion, Vince McMahon interrupts and cuts an amazing promo about how getting to kick your best friend’s ass isn’t a punishment, it’s an opportunity. If Foley reaches into Terry Funk’s chest and pulls out his heart, Kano-style, he’ll show The Authority that he’s got what it takes to be the number one contender to the WWF Championship. Man, thank goodness that shit gets decided via battle royals and gauntlet matches these days, I’d hate to see Finn Bálor get his head uppercutted off three times in a row so Bobby Lashley could get a title shot.
The stage is set for some ruthless aggression (or its late-90s equivalent) in the night’s main event, but the stage is then quickly un-set when both men forget they’ve unilaterally pissed off a murderous redneck who’s currently backstage walking past a bunch of unguarded production equipment. In short, please enjoy Stone Cold Steve Austin inventing Braun Strowman and destroying this local production of Jesus Christ Superstar with a grappling hook.
He also dramatically kicks Foley’s inflatable chairs off the stage, which is hilarious. Vince is irate, Austin is Austin, and doubt Mick Foley might’ve had about going full heel and hitting forward-down-forward-high punch to rip off Funk’s head with the spine still attached are dashed by the realization that this Terminator in Jorts is going to jumping dick-press and punch him no matter what he does.
What’s great about the main event is that they don’t just have the opening promo and then do it; they preface it with a video package that recaps everything you need to know about Foley’s descent into corporate madness, padded with footage of him and Funk reminiscing about the times they tried to actually kill each other in Japanese death matches. Not only does it set a dangerous mood for the main event, it gets some added shock value that Raw’s not actually going to deliver (with the fire and explosions and barbed wire) and, most importantly, uses the history of its characters to explain their motivations and show you why you should care.
WWE is TERRIFIED of its history these days because it doesn’t want to “seem old,” to the point that they don’t even number their WrestleManias anymore. Embracing your history and allowing it to make your present and future more important is a lay-up for a company with a 60-year history and practically all the taped footage in existence, and yet “moments ago” is about as much as we ever get. Crazy.
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x60mdg1
While the main event is Diet FMW and something you could see 2-3 times on any ECW show at the time, it’s the context and the emotional projection of the participants that makes it special. These two aren’t just punching each other and then walking awkwardly to the next spot to punch some more; they’ve given the match gravity by who they are and why they’re fighting, so moments like Funk “hurting his neck” on a moonsault and Foley responding to that by piledriving him through a table gain deeper levels of meaning. Yeah, he wants to hurt the guy and win the match, but he also has it in his head that he has to actually hurt his best friend for real or he won’t get approval from his boss. It’s Bojack Horseman not standing up for Herb Kazzaz, but combat sports.
Speaking of that moonsault, here’s 53-year old Terry Funk throwing a crooked moonsault off the bowl railing on a Raw in 1998:
Say a special prayer for the poor bald guy who catches Funk’s crotch with his face, then basically Tombstones him and goes in even deeper.
Foley is finally able to put the Funker away with another pulling piledriver, this time onto a steel chair in the ring, and gets the three. You’d think that’d be enough, but Foley takes it to a more evil place by continuing to smash Funk’s head into the chair after the match, bringing special guest commentator Murderous Redneck into the ring, “beverage in hand,” per Jim Ross. Austin beers Foley in the face, referee Pat Patterson gets blindly Mandible Clawed and catches a Stunner when he gets up, and Mick heads up the ramp to receive his Dude Love gear from Vince McMahon like it’s a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Foley and Vince then dance with the “Dudettes,” who Foley had called “second-rate strippers” earlier in the night, because now ALL of their souls are gone. The best part here is 100% Vince McMahon’s dancing, which is so ridiculous it even makes Austin laugh. And yes, I GIF’d it too much. Here’s Vince inventing Batista’s ring entrance:
You may also like Vince McMahon strutting the length of the stage to drop it like it’s hot, or Vince basically doing the Charleston as he waves goodbye to Austin. I’m forever sad that Shane McMahon is the McMahon famous for dancing when his dad and especially his sister are so much better.
Best: Where’s Garrett Bischoff?
One of my favorite parts of this week’s episode is the fact that Gerald Brisco gets a tribute video about how great of a dude he is, because he helped Vince McMahon try to cheat Stone Cold out of the belt last week and accidentally got smashed in the head with it. We get two important firsts here:
- the first mention (that I can recall) of the Brisco Bros. Body Shop, a real auto body shop run by Gerald and Jack Brisco that becomes a running gag on WWF TV (“Pat Patterson works at the Brisco Brothers Body Shop, yeah, he does rear-end work!” etc.)
- an appearance by a 15-year old Wes Brisco*, who you’d eventually know as a member of Impact Wrestling’s ACES AND EIGHTS, or from his brief run in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Or maybe as one half of the WWE Developmental Florida Tag Team Champions with a not ready for prime time Xavier Woods
I’m excited to continue compiling wrestler children who show up in the ’90s and return in the 2000s as stars, but I don’t think anything’s going to beat the Uso Elementary showing up on Raw or Charlotte Flair’s WCW Monday Nitro cameo. More on that in about a year and a half, assuming the 2000s version of the Nitro column hasn’t made me throw myself into a wood chipper.
*Wes Brisco is short for “Western Briscography”
Best: I THINK I KNOW HIM
Me, when Edge popped up on-screen while I was rewatching this episode:
This week marks the first appearance of the mysterious EDGE, a man we meet via stylized video package whose gimmick appears to be … sexy hobo fighter? A sexy fighter of hobos, I mean, not a guy who fights sexy hobos. The voice-over explains:
“Who is this apparition? What could’ve happened to this man that brought him to this place, that made him do these things, that made him say these words, that made him not himself, that stole his soul and handed him an empty cup, that bled?”
Spoiler alert: vampires. Vampires did it. GET HERE SOON, BABY GOTH BOI.
Best: I Think Owen Hart Has Been Possessed By A Cartoon Witch
The first match of the night is The Rock teaming with the newly evil Owen Hart against Steve Blackman and Faarooq, to avenge last week’s dickhole-kicking and ear biting. The announce team clarifies that “Owen Hart, yes, is a member of the Nation, but Owen Hart in the leadership role has acquired, from what we understand, equal footing with The Rock.” It’s a “position of respect and honor.” That … doesn’t sound like something The Rock would do, and I honestly don’t remember Owen ever being the Leader Of The Nation Of Domination, so I guess I’ll follow that as it develops. Or doesn’t.
The New New Nation gets the win when another guy you’d definitely expect to be helping the black militant separatist group, JEFF JARRETT, runs down and attacks Steve Blackman. If you’ll recall, Blackman recently ruined Jarrett’s Hee Haw play-date with Sawyer Brown, and must be made to suffer for depriving us of a Double J-led performance of 800 Pound Jesus.
Blackman gets revenge later in the night by jumping Jarrett before his scheduled match with Marc Mero and getting it canceled, which is maybe the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for us in the history of Raw.
Worst: Road Warrior Hawk Is A Dork
We’re supposed to have a fatal four-way match pitting the L.O.D. 2000 vs. the Disciples of Apocalypse vs. (I guess) two 2-man D-Generation X teams, but Road Warrior Hawk shows up to suggest they group up and turn it into an 8-man tag. What’s remarkable here is that Triple H has started doing his Michael Buffer “let’s get ready to suck it” bit and is basically reading shirts he saw at Spencer’s Gifts on live television but doesn’t come CLOSE to saying the lamest thing in the segment.
If you’re a regular reader of the column, you know Road Warrior Hawk is convinced that it’s still 1950 and he can’t say damn or hell or ass on TV, so his threats come out super awkward and corny. Well, this week’s threat is his magnum opus. This is actually what he says to them.
“Hey D-X, you know the five of you remind me of five dingleberries clumped together pulled right from the sweaty crack of some obese old man’s butt. You got ‘Mr. Ass,’ which would make Road Dogg, ‘Mr. Hole.’ You make a fine pair. Then you got Hunter, who’s ‘Mr. Nose,’ and you got Chyna, well, who’s just ‘Mister!'”
“Hey everybody, I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt!”
D-X agrees to the 8-man tag because there aren’t many less threatening teams in 1998 than Ron and Don Harris and the elderly Road Warriors, and they win (of course) when L.O.D. and D.O.A. start punching each other over nothing. Great job, everybody. As an added bonus, Sunny gets sent to the back when the match starts, depriving us of the only thing that would’ve made the match watchable (and will be out of the company completely by July).
Worst: Queen Of Strong Style
Sable is in training for her confrontation with Marc Mero next week, so we catch her doing some CM Punk-style martial arts in an exercise montage that is basically that cheesecake Eric Prydz Steve Winwood remix video. Seriously, look at it. Sable as an enraged wife who is sick and tired of being disrespected and is going to FIGHT YOU TO DEATH worked. Sable as an ’80s apartment wrestling MMA star who burns people on the mic? Not so much.
Speaking Of MMA Stars That Aren’t Working Very Well
This furious mole rat is Dan The Beast Severrin’, who follows up abandoning a star-making confrontation with Triple H to choke out his own manager by squashing Savio Vega. Severn’s finisher here is a normal armbar, except he reaches down with one of his hands to choke you in the throat. Not only is that pretty blatantly illegal, but is neck-and-neck with Ronda Rousey’s “bend your arm the way arms are supposed to bend” as WWE’s weirdest misunderstanding of some pro wrestling moves already looking like MMA.
Worst: Remember When The WWF Logo Got Drunk?
Here’s a CGI WWF logo chugging a beer and burping, with the tag line, “it smells like ATTITUDE in here!” It also kinda smells like a Sega CD game. What does “it smells like attitude in here” even mean? The World Wrestling Federation: Like Acid Reflux, But Sports.
Best: Val Venis Gets Some Porno Street Cred
This week’s update from the constantly ejaculating Val Venis is from the set of his latest film, Val Venis: Soldier of Love, co-starring Jenna Jameson. Actual Jenna Jameson, who puts over the size of her pal’s penis and then announces that she wants to go “back down in the hole.” Also of note, her entire boob is out for most of this promo, but I’m guessing nobody noticed because the footage wasn’t in HD until like, right now.
Getting Jenna Jameson was pretty crucial for the character, because, you know, if we aren’t going to be able to go on Netscape Navigator and find 10 second downloadable Val Venis porn clips, you need to at least add some authenticity to the act by having him hang out with porn stars. The closest modern equivalent is Joey Ryan feuding with Mia Khalifa, I guess, but that angle was Hit Or Miss.
In a related note, Raw doesn’t actually skrrt and hit the dab like Wiz Khalifa until 2015.
Best/Worst: A Huge Undertaking
Finally this week we have a creatively (?) done segment where Jerry Lawler is supposed to interview Paul Bearer about the revelation that Kane is his son “after the break,” but the camera man accidentally leaves the camera running and catches them joking and laughing about it. Definitely giving this a Best for being one of the few times WWE actually attempted to explain why and how a camera was filming a secret conversation between characters without them knowing.
What follows is locker room talk and Bearer sharing the story of Kane’s conception. He went out “to the wrestling matches” on a Tuesday with his friends, got drunk, and came home to the funeral parlor to find The Undertaker’s mother wearing a teddy. He was only 19 at the time and had “never been with a woman at that point,” so it’s a real Garth Brooks ‘That Summer’ situation, and they hooked up on the kitchen floor. Bearer says that he had one of her feet “in New York” while the other was “in L.A.,” and thankfully stopped when he heard “Little Taker” coming down the stairs.
After the break, Jerry Lawler forlornly apologizes for offending any viewers, explaining that he didn’t mean for that conversation to be broadcast. Hey, at least you didn’t get to the part where a teenage Kane accidentally murders his girlfriend because he can’t drive a stick shift.
Kane has a short match with The Artist Once Again Known As Goldust, Don’t Bring It Up, which of course ends when The Undertaker sprints out and starts soup-boning Paw. It looks like the “truce” between the brothers is off, which is bad news for Kane, who has his hand bandaged up with the same crusty special effects as Paul Bearer’s face.
Lesson learned: If you work with an undead zombie mortician with wizard powers, maybe don’t tell the other guys at work that you had a teenage hookup with his mom.
Next Week:
One of the New Rockers returns as a crazy person, Kamikaze Club gets a new name and matching gear, and Dude Love sells all the way the hell out. Also, Vince McMahon wrestles D’Lo Brown!
