Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War: Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn’t know how good Mike Tyson’s hearing is, but if he doesn’t understand what he’s saying, Austin’s always got a little bit of sign language, so here’s to him. ??
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War for January 26, 1998.
Worst (But Retroactively Best): Mike Tyson’s Camp Is Pissed About Stone Cold Steve Austin, But Not Enough To Do Anything
On last week’s show, Stone Cold Steve Austin shoved Mike Tyson and “runed” Vince McMahon’s big WrestleMania announcement, which was, presumably, “Mike Tyson will be at our show to announce the attendance or something, who knows?” Now everyone assumes they’re gonna do Stone Cold vs. Mike Tyson at Mania; so much so that Shawn Michaels hangs around backstage in a referee shirt wink-winking and nudge-nudging about how the match will need an “enforcer.”
This week, Don King gives a heated promo about how … the Nevada State Athletic Commission won’t let Mike Tyson wrestle Steve Austin, and that we have to respect the Nevada State Athletic Commission. He and Vince McMahon will have to find a way to get them into the same WrestleMania segment without violating Nevada’s rules. Yeah, raise hell with some legal compliance! Even Austin’s promo about it is just, “I’ll fight Mike Tyson wherever,” because when you have a big segment like last week’s, sometimes it’s better to punt the followup.
It’s contextually lame, but looking back, it works with the story. As we find out at WrestleMania 14 — 20-year old spoiler alert, by the way — Tyson and Austin are in on this together, which is why they didn’t actually fight last week, they just pushed and shoved. It’s all a ruse, presumably with Don King totally in on it, to lure Shawn Michaels into a false sense of security and blow up any possible D-Generation X interference at WrestleMania from the inside. DTA.
Best: D-X Ruins Their Own Title Runs
Yeah, at WrestleMania, D-Generation X member and WWF Champion Shawn Michaels ends up losing the title because of his hubris, and because he’s played so many manipulative mind games he assumes nobody’s going to throw it right back at him. In what becomes a nice bit of foreshadowing for WrestleMania, this is the episode where D-Generation X member and European Champion Triple H ends up losing his title because of his hubris, and because he’s played so many manipulative mind games he assumes nobody’s going to throw it right back at him.
Triple H hasn’t been taking Owen Hart seriously and is, you know, legitimately injured, so he sends out D-X adjace Artist Formerly Known As Goldust dressed as him — as “Hunterdust,” with a Chyna version of Luna Vachon — to defend the European Championship. Owen kicks Goldie’s ass and submits him to a Sharpshooter in about five minutes, because the Black Hart gains +5 to all attributes. When it’s over, D-X shows up on the TitanTron to laugh about how they pulled a fast one, and also maybe about how they’re gonna save Hunterdust’s nose for when somebody needs to play Owen in a blackface skit they’re writing.
Friend of the (mostly Iraqi) people Sgt. Slaughter shows up and declares that since Triple H was contractually obligated to defend his championship and sent out Hunterdust as his replacement, Hunterdust was defending the European Championship. And since he just lost to Owen Hart, Owen’s the new Extracontinental Champion, and Trips can kick rocks. He’ll have to evoke his rematch clause if he wants it back. It’s good news for Owen, sure, but it’s also got a bit of a “the Steiners try to face the Outsiders for like a year and a half, never win, then win the titles when Nash is injured so it’s Scott Hall and Syxx, then lose them again as soon as Nash is well” vibe. If you’re still trying to make sense of that sentence, you can read the 30,000 word years-long explanation of it in the Nitro column.
Those Are The Only Notable Things That Happen On This Week’s Show
No, really.
TAFKA Goldust — I always wanted Taka Michinoku to decide he was too good for his gimmick name and become TAFKA Michinoku — pulls double duty this week, opening the show against The Man They Call The Man They Call Vader in sexy Vader cosplay. You can get a realistic Vader look with lingerie and some red face paint. Luna looks like she’s wearing a sexy Goldust pretending to be sexy Vader Halloween costume.
Like most of the Goldust/Vader matches, this one’s got a screwy finish. That’s Gotta Be Kane™ shows up and attacks Vader, because they have a match coming up at No Way Out, and it just kinda stops happening. Vader fighting back and landing some offense on Kane is hurt a little by them giving away Kane Tombstone piledriving a 400+ pounder, which was like one of one reasons you might want to watch Vader vs. Kane.
You know how when WWE stops paying attention to new divisions, you end up with only one or two guys ever competing for a specific championship? Recent examples include the United Kingdom Championship division, which is literally two guys, or any of the pre-tournament 205 Live Cruiserweight Championship feuds where you get one (1) challenger for months and everyone else rotates in and out of tag team matches. Anyway, that’s what they’re doing with the light heavyweight division. Everyone assumed the next title match would just be Brian Christopher vs. Taka again, so they had a big tournament and whoops, the finals were Brian Christopher vs. Taka. Now here’s Brian Christopher wrestling another #1 contender match against Pantera, when we know the eventual end result is another Brian Christopher match.
The good news, at least in the short term, is that he ends up losing the match and the title shot to El Pantera of all people. You may remember him as the luchador that looks like somebody tried to draw Rey Mysterio Jr. with chalk on black paper. Christopher’s reaction is about a 0.8 on the Laurie Metcalf Realizing She’s Being Forced To Wrestle facial expression scale.
After the match, Jerry Lawler offers to shake hands with El Pantera just to cheap shot him. As you know, the only way to get a cruiserweight over is to have them fight 50-year old, 240-pound Jerry Lawler all the time.
There’s a Quebecers vs. Headbangers feud starting, in case those Disciples of Apocalypse vs. Los Boricuas matches contained too much good wrestling and you need a break. Mosh pins Jacques Rougeau with a sunset flip in about three awful minutes, and the Beckers get their heat back (ugh) with a post-match attack. This of course sets up [checks notes] the Headbangers vs. Marc Mero and Goldust, and the Quebecers vs. the Godwinns for No Way Out. The show’s called “no way out” because if you go to it, you’ve gotta watch it.
Speaking of yonder Gang Warz, here’s a screenshot from Mark Henry vs. Ken Shamrock. Everybody fights!
In what would end up being one of the most influential matches of young Michael Cole’s broadcasting career, No Way Out is set to feature a WAR OF ATTRITION match pitting the Nation of Domination in its entirety against Ken Shamrock, his racist biker friends the Disciples of Apocalypse, and the Pokémon Muk. Sorry, “Ahmed Johnson.” As best I remember, a War of Attrition match is just an elimination tag team match. I wish they’d call cage matches “Creating Separation Matches.” What’s a “Builds Momentum Now” match? Ironman?
New NWA recruit Barry Windham (1) clearly doesn’t care what he looks like on television, and (2) teams with Aztec Warrior Jeff Jarrett against the Legion of Doom. The LOD sprung a leak at some point over the past few months and lost everything they had left in the tank, so even their clotheslines have started looking bad. Here’s a great shot of Hawk’s flying clothesline to Jarrett, which looks more like the Jumping Grab You By The Trapezius And Fall Down.
The Road Warriors, who I’m pretty sure I didn’t watch lose a match cleanly for my entire prepubescence, lose to Jeff Jarrett and Blackjack Windham when Jim Cornette hits Animal with a tennis racket. I’d say the Legion of Doom didn’t have far to fall after this, but that would be figuratively and literally incorrect.
Oh, wait, I remembered another Best!
Best: Chuck And Mick Get Taken To The Woodshed
This week features the first in-canon clip of Mick Foley as regular Mick Foley, hanging out in the ring and shooting the shit with Terry Funk before the show. Even the big Jim Ross interview about Dude Love and “Mrs. Foley’s Baby Boy” were done as Mankind, so it’s kinda jarring to see Cactus Jack as an average guy. It’s not now, because he’s been an affable NPC for a while, but in 1998 it was crazy.
Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie get a match with the New Age Outlaws that gets thrown out, turns into a big brawl, and ends with Jack putting chairs on Road Dogg so Charlie can moonsault into them face-first. It’s fun chaos that doesn’t really go anywhere, until it totally does.
Later in the episode, Foley and Funk are backstage doing an interview when D-X randomly shows up and distracts them. The Outlaws use the distraction to trap Foley and Funk on the ground under the wall of freestanding fencing and beat the holy shit out of them with garbage cans. It’s kinda brutal, and kinda great. Like all good Mick Foley WWF feuds, feuding with Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie allowed the otherwise soft-as-a-pillow-made-outta-baby-butts New Age Outlaws to get an edge, and prove they’re able to cut the shit and beat some ass. This is what helped make Randy Orton as well, what made the Rock a real threat, and what convinced us that Triple H was all the bad-ass nicknames he wanted to give himself. Foley deserves some sort of lifetime achievement award for making soft guys look hard.
Do not put the Rowdy Roddy Piper JPG here, Brandon. Don’t do it.
Next Week:
D-Generation X does everything they can to get Stone Cold Steve Austin to wrestle Mike Tyson, Nevada State Commission be damned. Plus, Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie formally bring “hardcore” matches to the World Wrestling Federation and go dumpster diving. All this and more (a Chainz match), next week!
