Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War: Bret Hart’s final match on Raw for 13 years happened and ended with Shawn Michaels superkicking him in the face. Fitting. Also, Shawn showed his butthole and Jeff Jarrett was a butthole.
If you haven’t seen this episode, you can watch it on WWE Network here. Check out all the episodes you may have missed at the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War and Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw tag pages. Follow along with the competition here.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War for November 3, 1997.
Best: Ahmed Johnson Helps Invent A Catchphrase
This week’s show opens with Ahmed Johnson, a wrestler who is always injured, challenging Stone Cold Steve Austin, a wrestler who is currently injured and not medically allowed to compete, to a match. Austin hit Ahmed with a Stone Cold Stunner on the previous week’s show to make sure Owen Hart remained Intercontinental Champion heading into Survivor Series, so Ahmed’s nothing but knee pads and rage spittle.
The segment is notable for two reasons; it’s the final Raw appearance of Vince McMahon before Survivor Series happens and he becomes “Mr. McMahon,” and it’s the first Raw appearance of Stone Cold surveying a crowd with, “if you want me to do a thing, gimme a hell yeah.” Here, it’s whip Ahmed Johnson’s ass. Thank you for your one (1) incidental contribution to pro wrestling, Ahmed!
The match never happens, of course, because Austin is legitimately injured and can’t/shouldn’t get in the ring six days before his big return match at Survivor Series, and also more directly because Kane shows up and Tombstones Ahmed a bunch. Ahmed’s gear in Kane’s light is like when people wear green and stand in front of a green screen.
Mankind shows up to make the save, furthering the build for the Kane vs. Mankind match at Survivor Series, and reminding Ahmed Johnson what it sounds like when someone is popular at wrestling.
Worst: The World’s Worst Light Heavyweight Tournament
The World Wrestling Federation wants to crown their first Light Heavyweight Champion but their division is “Taka Michinoku and Brian Christopher.” You’d think they’d just have those two fight it out, but they’ve brought in “stars” from “all around the world” to fill out an 8-man tournament bracket, including Canada’s Eric Shelley — a guy who jobbed once for them back in July — and 240-ish pound Flash Flanagan. Don’t get too excited about Jerry Lynn’s name being on that graphic, he gets replaced in the first round by Scott Taylor.
This week’s match features two future WWE stars: Aguila, who has a slightly stronger run a few years later as Essa Rios that brings Lita into the company, and Super Loco, who you probably know better as ECW’s Super Crazy. If you’ve never seen him before, imagine that Dustin from Stranger Things was a grown man and also a luchador. Your memories of Crazy are probably pretty favorable, because none of them are from this match.
Holy shit, you guys, you won’t see non-contracted talent choke this bad on a Monday Night wrestling show again until Christopher Daniels gets a match on Nitro in 2001 and almost breaks his neck. Super Loco is MUY MALO here, completely whiffing a springboard spinning heel kick and trying to Misawa over the ropes and messing it up so badly the entire arena laughs at him. When he actually connects with a move, Jim Cornette (who is on commentary for hour one for some reason) congratulates him on finally being a wrestler. Crazy’s next match on Raw isn’t until 2006.
Worst: Sunny’s Outfit
Sunny is (of course) the special guest ring announce for the Light Heavyweight Tournament, and it’s not often that I give Sunny Worsts for how she looks, but what’s she dressed as? The Brady Bunch’s lawn?
Sable’s Week Isn’t Much Better
If you asked me what’s the worst combination of things to make up a Raw Is War segment in 1997, it’s probably “Marc Mero vs. Savio Vega” followed by “more of the Marc Mero hates people realizing he’s married to a beautiful woman angle without any actual advancement,” with a side dish of, “post-match interview with Michael Cole.” All it needs is a run-in from the Disciples of Apocalypse to make it perfectly unwatchable.
Best: Goldust Gets Weird
So, a quick recap in case you haven’t been reading the column.
A little over a month before this, Brian Pillman tried to goad Goldust into a match for the “services” of his valet — and, more importantly, his wife — Marlena for 30 days. Goldust refused, but Pillman kept antagonizing them until Marlena agreed to the match FOR Goldust. Goldust lost, and Pillman got to, as it appeared, sexually assault Goldust’s wife for a month, video tape him raping her and mail it in to Raw, and choose how she acted and dressed. It was horrifying and didn’t make a lot of sense, until you realize what the hook was going to be … Pillman and Marlena had dated before she met Goldust, so the idea was that Marlena would’ve been in on it the entire time, Pillman wasn’t actually doing anything to her against her will, and they were gonna swerve Dustin and turn on him when the 30 days were up and they were, for whatever reason, renewing their vows on Raw. The problem is that a day before this was supposed to be revealed, Brian Pillman died. So they were left holding the bag, and the bag had a brick in it.
It’s almost been an entire cycle since Pillman’s passing, so WWF can finally move forward with an audible: this sit-down interview in which Dustin Rhodes tells Marlena that their time apart made him realize he didn’t love her, and that he needed something else to satisfy his weird-ass Goldust needs. Marlena gets her heart broken in a flip-flop of the angle, Goldust looks like a SUPREME piece of shit for dumping his wife because he lost a match that got her sexually assaulted for a month, and — spoiler alert — he becomes a kinky sex monster under the even weirder hand of Luna Vachon.
I look forward to spending several months awkwardly trying to explain what the hell The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust is going for.
Worst: The Hart Family Isn’t On This Episode, But The Hart Foundation B-Team Is!
Vader takes on the British Bulldog in a “dog collar match,” which is one of those wrestling match types WWE super doesn’t understand, so they just put wrestlers in dog collars that connect, have them wrestle a normal match and then end it on a DQ. This is a picture of Vader being “hung” by the chain, even though it’s connected to a loose collar that’s almost slipping over his head while he stands there trying to act choked. That’s not how choking works!
The most notable thing about the match is that the “Hart Foundation” is there, with sudden new members Doug Furnas and Phil LaFon, but Intercontinental Champion Owen Hart and Survivor Series main-eventing WWF Champion Bret Hart aren’t. Hm. Does it look like maybe the World Wrestling Federation’s trying to set up a new Hart Foundation in case the totally cool thing they’re planning for Survivor Series goes bad and they lose BOTH Harts?
Best: ENTER STEVE BLACKMAN
Vader spends the post-match getting beaten down four-on-one until he’s saved by a “fan” jumping in the ring and MURDERING EVERYONE WITH KARATE. Yes, this is exactly what WCW did with Ernest Miller, but we’ll give it a pass because it marks the WWF debut of the First Derrick Bateman Steve Blackman, the “Lethal Weapon.” He’s not the best wrestler in the world, but he’s maybe the BEST WRESTLER IN THE WORLD. Imagine Adult Swim made a cartoon about a police officer who was also a ninja. That’s Steve Blackman, 1000%.
Fun note about Blackman that not a lot of people seem to know: he was actually originally considered for a WWF contract way the hell back in 1989, but didn’t get it because he wrestled in South Africa and caught malaria and dysentery. That kept him sick and in bed for TWO YEARS, and he spend four years after THAT in physical therapy. How insane is that? The deadly-ass Steve Blackman we knew was the one who’d been on the shelf for a decade thanks to like six years of almost dying.
Best: Billy Gunn Gets His Best Nickname
The New Age Outlaws don’t do much this week besides beat Los Boricuas in a match you don’t want to watch and wear the New Blackjacks’ destroyed cowboy hats, but their appearance is notable for one reason: Road Dogg sarcastically referring to “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn as “Mr. Ass” for the first time. If not for that quip, we would’ve never gotten the greatest WWE entrance theme of all time. The best surprises always sneak up from behind.
Best: Bret Hart Isn’t On This Episode, But D-Generation X Sure Is!
They have three notable moments this week.
1. Shawn Michaels no-selling a “Shawn is gay” chant by kissing Triple H, then kissing Chyna, then acting all confused about it
That gets a thunderous “faggot” chance in response, because 1997, but it’s the best possible way to handle chants about how you’re gay. He could only go the “ask your mom/sister how gay I am” route so many times. I also like that he didn’t even CONSIDER kissing Rick Rude. You might think that’s because Rude would’ve kicked his ass, but I think it’s because he knew that if he kissed Rick Rude, he’d faint.
2. Selling Sgt. Slaughter’s spittle with helmets, then selling it harder by attaching windshield wipers to the fronts of the helmets
This is arguably the first time D-Generation X didn’t something crowd pleasing, which unfortunately set the tone for post-Shawn Michaels babyface D-X, and even MORE unfortunately convinced the 40-year old versions of Shawn and Triple H that D-X was all about wearing army clothes while they said poo-poo and pee-pee. Still, it’s pretty funny, and made it into every D-X related video or highlight reel ever.
3. Pedigreeing Ken Shamrock onto a Halliburton to prove that Shawn’s dick is “the world’s most dangerous man”
Their joke, not mine.
Shamrock makes Michaels tap out to an ankle lock behind the referee’s back, setting up Shamrock as the first contender for new WWF Champion Shawn Michaels after Survivor Series. But he doesn’t win here, thanks to the omnipresent D-Generation X interference.
I’m trying to think back to what fans watching this live at the time thought. We knew Bret was leaving — thanks, late-90s Internet! — but I’m not sure anyone really understood what a boot to the ass they were giving him on the way out. Still, it’s crazy to go back and watch this last month of pre-Montreal Screwjob WWF television and wonder how things would’ve turned out if all parties had played it differently.
Next Week:
Survivor Series ’97.
Have you listened to this week’s McMahonsplaining podcast?
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