The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 3/18/19: Brookes And Done

h/t to Harry Longabaugh for this week’s subtitle.

Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: The Guardians of the Independent Scene helped Dave Batista get what he wants! Plus, The Shield said goodbye, Ronda Rousey cut a promo like Dracula from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, and Braun Strowman ripped apart a convertible someone gave him for free.

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And now, here’s the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for March 18, 2019.

Worst: Vomit-Inducing Camera Work

Paul Heyman cutting a promo on nothing while Brock Lesnar hops in place is good, because it reestablishes why we should want to boo an otherwise superhuman, once-in-a-generation athlete like Lesnar. Drew McIntyre weaving himself into the narrative is good as well, because you’re going to need a “Brock Lesnar type” you can take seriously when Brock’s gone. Seth Rollins showing up with a chair and wearing out McIntyre to avenge the injuries to/deaths of his brothers at McIntyre’s hands last week was also good, as was the classic “babyface lays down the challenge, heel teases a fight but walks away” bit. That always works.

What doesn’t work and what isn’t good is WWE’s ongoing insistence on top speed kung-fu zooms for everything. It’s enough to give a brother motion sickness. For example, here’s Rollins hitting McIntyre with a chair. Try to watch this without your eyes crossing.

It’s even funnier/lamer when you watch the camera men film it.

This needs ‘If I Were a Rich Man’ playing in the background instead of the smark play-by-play, but you get what I’m saying.

See how much better just the fan cam version of those chair shots look? Because you can actually see it with your eyes. I’m not trying to pretend I’m on Revenge Of The Mummy: The Ride when I’m watching Raw. Just film the shit that’s happening, you aren’t Miguel Sapochnik and your “action-adventure” film-making makes me want to literally and figuratively throw up.

Best: Lio Rush

Lio Rush continues to make everything he’s involved with better. He’s the glue that holds this tag team match together, which he doesn’t even have to be, since it involves two veterans and a big corny spot machine. His acting puts over Strowman more than anything has bothered to in 2019, and his energy while simultaneously trying to compete and escape certain doom is infectious and engaging. I left this wanting to see more of him trying to beat Braun Strowman with occasionally Lashley assists, ‘Marvel vs. Capcom’ style, and that’s not something I would’ve expected to say 10 minutes earlier.

This was a lot of fun, honestly, and the most I’ve enjoyed a Lashley match since he and Roman stopped clubbering each other to prove a point last summer. Honestly, I think the best result here would be for Rush and Finn Bálor to get 12 minutes on some random NXT Florida house show or Full Sail dark match where they can let their creativity and love of the sport blossom in front of a smaller collective of interested parties who just want them to be happy and create.

And yes, the natural progression of these columns should go from, “I’m so excited to tell you about the wrestling” (2011) to “this wrestling is really stressing me out” (2012-2015) to “ARGH WHY ISN’T THIS BETTER” (2016-2019) to “let’s enjoy this groovy hippie commune where we watch our loved ones pretend to fight” (2020-my death).

Best, At Least In Spirit: Chad Gable Vs. The Ghost Of Chad Gable Future

This match probably made you sad. It made me a little sad, too, because Kurt Angle is looking rough. He looks worse than 79-year old Bob Armstrong did in his retirement match and looks like he could just fall to pieces at any time, but brother, this is Kurt Angle vs. Chad Gable and it’s happening on Raw before Kurt’s done. That alone makes me happy. It’s less a “dream match,” because they didn’t do it a few years ago when Kurt could still kinda go, and more of a pleasant occurrence. And you know? “Pleasant occurrence” is what you come for in a “farewell tour.”

Gable basically had to wrestle himself in there and was running circles around Kurt to make it work. He’s doing everything short of lifting his leg into Kurt’s armpit and thrashing around on the ground like Bela Lugosi fighting an octopus. Maybe I’m getting old and soft or whatever, but when it comes to Angle, the part of me that instinctively wants to Logan’s Run all the old stars and part-timers in favor of the young and hungry disappears, and the love and respect Gable has for Angle and his career replaces it. It just felt nice for him, you know? I’m happy it happened. I’m happy we got to see it, in one form or another. Gable really should’ve been his NXT amateur wrestler tag team bastard from the start. Plus, Kurt still looks better in there than the Undertaker, and at least he doesn’t have to rock eyeliner and Just For Men while he does it.

Now please let Daniel Bryan guest star on Raw next week and be the worst person in the world to Kurt Angle.

Speaking Of The Worst

Baron Corbin being announced as Kurt Angle’s opponent for his final match ever at WrestleMania 35 was underwhelming at best, but I’ve got a few things rattling around in my head about it.

For starters, just because the match was announced on Raw, it doesn’t mean it’s the match we’re going to get. Remember last year when they didn’t announce Cena vs. Undertaker, and then randomly did it for five minutes in the middle of the show? It worked, because it didn’t build up any big expectations for it being an entertaining blow-out. The simple idea of seeing Cena and the Undertaker in the ring at the same time at WrestleMania was the joy. We got that, and it didn’t overstay its welcome. There’s a pretty solid chance that they know Corbin vs. this version of Kurt Angle would murder the live crowd and put 60,000 people into a depression coma, so maybe they’ll just go from a shitty Corbin promo into a surprise ankle lock into something else to send Kurt off. Hell, they could even have Cena show up to challenge Kurt for a final final match, because ruthless aggression, or whatever. Or Kurt and the Undertaker could do a short thing, and the joy can be in seeing legends we love playing their hits.

I just hope Corbin uses “having an important WrestleMania match” as an excuse to get some fucking gear again. Either that, or start carrying a drink tray to the ring and lean into the “evil waiter” look. Give him a backstage segment where he accidentally spills a drink on an Instagram influencer or one of Aunt Becky’s daughters or whatever and Stephanie McMahon’s forced to comp their bill.

Best: Cero Way Jose

You know, I always wanted Pentagon Jr. to show up on Raw, I just didn’t think he’d do it while dressed as a cheeseburger as part of a No Way Jose conga line, and would be played by No Way Jose. Who, lol, got away with disguising himself as a member of his own conga line, because nobody noticed or cared that he wasn’t there.

Next week I hope they have No Way Jose backstage suspended by hooks, being psychosexually beaten into wellness by Vampiro.

Sigh, I miss you, Lucha Underground.

Note: I’m fine with Elias announcing that he’s the “headlining musical act at WrestleMania,” which is funny enough by itself. They should let him sing ‘America the Beautiful’ to open the show, but change the lyrics to be about why he hates New Jersey. Also, there’s like a thousand percent chance he’s interrupted and beaten up by a celebrity or The Rock or Stone Cold or whatever, so it’ll be fine. Maybe this is where Cena shows up, and raps over Elias’ track.

The Dread Nightmare That Is The Middle Of Raw

It’s so bad I started looking forward to the Growing Up Chrisley commercials.

The funny-enough Elias/No Way Jose beef — literal cheeseburger beef — leads to a much less entertaining match, somehow made worse by the Guardians of whatever’s below the Independent Scene chanting “NO WAY, JOSE!” the entire time. Elias would’ve been the top babyface in the company if he’d attacked them all. It doesn’t help that Jose looks like a depressed Batman Forever neon street thug who’s waiting to attack Robin for walking down the wrong alley. Dude looks like he fell into a radioactive vat of Nickelodeon slime. I don’t know who told him that looking like his gimmick was “boogers” would improve his chances, but I bet it was one of those squat-popping camera men.

Remember those few weeks last year when Elias was getting matches against good opponents and was really impressive? Can we go back to that? He’s a great character, but I feel like he’s got some in-ring talent you’re wasting by exclusively pairing him up with Raw’s flotsam and jetsam.

Whatever good will you built up in the promo setting up Bayley and Sasha Banks vs. Natalya and an out-of-retirement Beth Phoenix — I mean, I didn’t like it, but the live crowd seemed to — was immediately ret-conned and undone by adding Nia Jax and Tamina to the match. You know what doesn’t improve a Natalya match? Tamina.

In other words, this segment was-

To stay positive for a moment, Bayley and Sasha did say they were going to be on Smackdown this week to address the IIconics’ claims that they’d been ducking them, so at the very least maybe WWE will add Bill and Peyton to the match and make it a fatal four-way. That’s still a WrestleMania match involving Natalya and Tamina, but it’d give the IIconics a WrestleMania entrance, and maybe some mic time.

Crown the true champions already, you cowards.

I hope they let poor Mojo out of the Stardust promo room soon. I also kinda hope they don’t, and that he returns two years from now with a Mirror Master gimmick.

Hoo boy, here’s Apollo Crews vs. Baron Corbin. For WrestleMania, imagine this match, but with Crews not allowed to move his legs. That’s what we’ve got to look forward to. Plus, they’re already “building up” Corbin for the match by having him lose to a character so unimpressive that he was the second most important guy in a faction with Titus O’Neil.

At this point if Corbin’s not just included in WrestleMania as a set-up to a much better punchline, I’ll be shocked.

Pros:

• Becky Lynch did not get helplessly beaten to death on this episode, for once
• Ronda Rousey vs. Dana Brooke was exactly as long and as competitive as “Ronda Rousey vs. Dana Brooke” should be
• Ronda should’ve been booked as a shit-head murderer from the start, because that’s way closer to her actual personality and skill set than, “affable everywoman who just wants to entertain and earn your respect.” They had it for a couple of weeks with her trouncing Stephanie every Raw for breathing, and now (at the cost of everything else) they’ve managed to get it back.
• And her armbar looks good again! Shout-out to whoever pointed out that pro wrestling “cross arm-breakers” look enough like shoot armbars that we won’t openly laugh at them for happening.

Cons:

• Rousey’s husband has never said a word on WWE TV and is like the easiest person to boo in wrestling history
• I’m still kinda bummed they took a ready-made pro wrestling feud and turned it into “will Ronda Rousey and her husband shoot on the wrestling industry during a handicap match” or whatever
• I did not write this joke:

https://twitter.com/SUPERKICKERA/status/1107803580038299648

Can Ricochet, one of the most gifted and naturally exciting pro wrestlers in the entire world, make a Jinder Mahal match interesting?

No. No he cannot.

“I’M GOWNA BE IN A BATTLE ROIL ‘CAUSE I AIN’T GO NOTHIN’ ELSE TA DO!!!”

Braun Strowman’s big WrestleMania feud being against Saturday Night Live‘s Weekend Update anchors is one of those things that probably sounds like a “good idea” to get some publicity to casual fans, and feels embarrassing as hell to the people who watch every week and remember when Braun was the coolest thing in the company. At least we got a reminder of the ongoing Braun/Alexa Bliss friendship here, which I appreciate.

Next week, Braun should demand that Pete Davidson apologize for Colin Jost and Michael Che disrespecting him.

Best: Pissed-Off Mob Boss Batista

I love Batista so much right now, you guys.

First of all, he looks like he’s just put out a hit on someone. Second of all, Dave Bautista has put in a ton of work over the past several years toward becoming an actual, skilled, trained actor, so having him show up on Raw doing this nuanced character work makes him look like Meryl Streep in comparison to literally every other wrestler. We turned “GIVE ME WHAT I WANT” into a meme already, but that was by design; all of those choices he made, physically and vocally, were on purpose. He made a segment memorable with his presentation. That’s the whole goddamn point. The wacky screaming, the spittle, all of it.

Here, he’s calmly McMahonsplaining-Helmsley that Triple H is actually a shitty guy who uses and abuses people to control them, which is based enough in reality that you can justify his point of view. The Triple H character certainly is that, 100%, and Michael Cole saying he’s “known Triple H for over 20 years” and that he’s “always been fair to him in his career” is the opposite of that, because GIFs like this exist:

Big Dave’s got a valid point and he’s trying to stay chill, but he’s also THE ANIMAL, and a popular millionaire celebrity who doesn’t like being told he’s wrong. He manipulated himself into a retirement match against a guy who has never beaten him so he could look good on the way out, instead of looking like an ass getting bodied by The Shield and/or Daniel Bryan. He’s a bad guy, doing bad things, for reasons he believes are valid. Reasons with enough evidence to support them, even if they aren’t objectively true. That’s great character work. I hope he powerbombs H into Mega Man particles at WrestleMania.

Best: Keep Rollins, Rollins, Rollins, Rollins

How funny would it be if Roman Reigns vs. Drew McIntyre went on last at WrestleMania? Would we all instantly start hating Roman again?

I think the WrestleMania card looks pretty good so far, but it really needs a Daniel Bryan vs. Kofi Kingston match announcement to make it pop. They nerfed the hell out of an otherwise hot-fire Becky Lynch vs. Ronda Rousey match to make it the triple threat from WCW New Blood Rising, Rollins’ chances of ending Brock Lesnar took a hit when Roman came back and made a lot of us inherently assume he’ll lose to set up another Reigns vs. Lesnar thing for SummerSlam, Kurt Angle’s retirement match is against Baron Corbin, Batista’s great but Triple H worked shoots aren’t, and Orton vs. Styles could be good, but is more of a Fastlane match than a WrestleMania match. Let’s get some shit on there to get the smarks excited, already.

Seth Rollins is still the best guy on the show right now, and sometimes we forget it. It’s easy to remember when he starts firing up and hitting a big string of moves to almost literally catch the entire crowd on fire. A musical distraction loss is about as bad as Seth Rollins is good, though, especially when you just spent last week’s main event putting over Drew McIntyre as a guy who can win his own fights. It’s a shame that they keep giving us easy stuff to love and then over-complicating and overwriting it until it just frustrates us into apathy.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Not A Crook with the rare comment of the week Hat Trick

BETH: finally a feud for me in the new era of women’s wrestling, think of all the different things we can say in promos now!
NIA: you’re jealous
BETH: goddammit

you people wanted CM Punk earlier, well, here’s someone lying on the mat in pain without the doctor checking on them

Batista: he’ll hold you down, he’s got you fooled
Cole: that doesn’t sound like Triple H, now let’s go live to Braun Strowman in his month-long feud with two comedians
Batista: am i seriously the only one watching this

AddMayne

*Dana comes out for her match against Ronda*
Cole: IT’S LOSS TIME

AwkwardL0ser

Why white people gotta remake Asian classics, “Asuka” was a much better tale than “Rousey” the abysmal suburban chick punk rock & American irony lacked the creativity of the Japanese original.

The Real Birdman

“All I have to do is be better than Ronda for 3 seconds”
*Ron Howard voice*
“She wasn’t”

Mark Silletti

“and here’s her partner!” jesus, cole, you can say wife, it’s 2019

Thrillhouse

Just once I want for Stardust to be looking back at Mojo Rawley in that mirror. I don’t want it ever to be addressed, I just want for there to be endless confused speculation.

BigD_TVF

It should have been pretty easy to find Tamina lurking in the audience. She would be the one wearing Tamina merch…

JayBone2

(Rousey is confronted with extra security hired by WWE tonight)
ROUSEY: TELLMEWHATYOUWANT!
HHH: Ok. Yep. I hear it now.

That’s it for this week’s column. As always, thanks for reading, commenting, and sharing on social media. Telling people on Twitter and Facebook to read these depressed wrestling jokes is the only thing that keeps us from waiting tables, and your only source of sports-entertainment humor being the banter between Sam Roberts and Pat McAfee. So, uh, thank you.

Join us next week for the go-home show for the go-home show for WrestleMania, featuring Kurt Angle moving very delicately while Shelton Benjamin falls down around him!