Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw: Tensions heading into In Your House: Mind Games ROSE SLIGHTLY with a Jim Cornette workout, the debut of The Sultan and Jim Ross repeatedly, vehemently promising that Big Daddy Cool Diesel and Razor Ramon would be returning to the World Wrestling Federation. Also, we entered week 85 of the Intercontinental Championship tournament. Who survived at Mind Games? Was it Shawn Michaels? I bet it was!
Click here to check out Mind Games — it’s worth it for the main event and the historic fan participation — and here for this week’s episode.
Up first, let’s see if anything happened at this 2-hour house-themed pay-per-view.
Before We Begin
Here’s what you need to know about In Your House: Mind Games. It was good, but not as good as In Your House: John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band.
Diesel And Razor Ramon Are Definitely Here, We Promise
Lots to cover here, but let’s start with Savio Vega getting jumped in the back by “Diesel” and “Razor Ramon.” We find out who they are on Monday — well, one of them — but it’s evident from the reenactment camera angles, Bigfoot-style speculation and Party City-quality costuming that yeah, no, it’s not Diesel or Razor Ramon. Looking back I wonder why they decided to make it so obvious here when the big reveal was supposed to be on Raw, and then I remembered that nobody was watching Mind Games.
I kinda wish they’d put Mo and Oscar from Men on a Mission in Diesel and Razor gear and had Jim Ross yell, “I TOLD YOU, IT WAS MY STORY AND I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG, THAT’S BIG DADDA-KEWL DIESEL AND RAZOR RAMON!!”
Bret Hart Isn’t Here, But Steve Austin Is, And He’s Great
The other bait-and-switch of the week is Bret Hart, who has been chilling on Carnival cruises and pondering retirement. Owen Hart said Bret would be at Mind Games and Brian Pillman intrepidly reported it, but Bret no-shows. That explanation: he’s scared of Stone Cold Steve Austin.
This is the official-ish start of the angle that would make Austin … we remember him for the beer bashes and driving trucks into arenas, but that all happened after he was a star. What made him was this year or so of being the coolest, realest guy on a show of clowns, and calling out the best wrestler associated with the product so he could beat his ass. The megastar Austin became almost a parody of himself at times, and while it worked, it’s a revelation to go back and watch him form a character and attitude that’d revolutionize the business. He’s so far above everyone else, even when he’s in the ring with greats like Pillman and Owen, even when he’s forced to phrase things as verbosely as possible to say them on TV. He can’t say he sh*ts on the legacy of the Hitman, he has to say he spits, then clarify that the word he actually wants to use rhymes with it. He can’t say “Sh*tman,” he has to ask you to put an S in front of Hitman. He can’t say Bret’s a chickensh*t, he has to say he’s the “slimy substance that comes out of the south end of a chicken.” Somehow it works, and never sounds like one of those Roman Reigns promos where he says “sufferin’ succotash, son” and embarrasses everyone in the room.
The ECW Invasion Is Starting (Very Slowly)
Savio Vega and Bradshaw have a Caribbean Strap Match, which you wouldn’t have cared about then and couldn’t possibly care about now. The fight spills to the outside, where we find Extreme Championship Wrestling (and future WWE) stars Tommy Dreamer, The Sandman, Taz and Paul Heyman (!) seated at ringside. The Sandman decides to spit beer in Vega’s face and mash the can into his own forehead — he’s The Sandman, it’s what he does — causing security to rush over and stop him. The ECW guys briefly act like they’re gonna jump the rail, but the cameras cut away. Vince McMahon meekly acknowledges that there’s a “local wrestling group here in Philadelphia” trying to make a name for themselves off the World Wrestling Federation, and that’s the end of it.
Well, the end of it for now.
Mark Henry Is Not Good At Wrestling Yet
Mark Henry wrestles Jerry Lawler in his debut. It’s 1996. Henry had a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract due to his weightlifting pedigree (and Vince McMahon not wanting WCW to have him), but doesn’t actually wrestle even a decent match until like … 2008. WWE ECW Mark Henry was awesome because they let him be the strongest, scariest, meanest person in the world. Somehow they didn’t figure that out for 12 YEARS, and cycled through “Olympic proxy hero,” “ineffective separatist muscle,” “sexual deviant” and “guy you’re supposed to like who never wins.” Or “injured.” Or “forced to lose weight and kept off TV, but still paid millions of dollars.” It was weird. He’s an enormous dude who is stronger than literally ANYONE ELSE, and you’ve got him in here acting like the f*cking Patriot.
The Smoking Gunns Are Breaking Up, And We’ve Got New Tag Team Champions
One of the major developments of the show is part one in the accidental development of the most popular tag team of the era.
The Smoking Gunns lose the Tag Team Championships to Owen Hart and the British Bulldog when Billy Gunn’s having a conversation with Sunny, Bart gets pushed into him and Billy, sound of mind, shoves him back. Bulldog powerslams Bart and wins the titles, and we have the beginnings of our Smoking Gunns breakup. Spoiler alert: Billy would get shoehorned into a bad attempt at a 90s Honky Tonk Man, but things get better for him when he meets another lonely dude battling a terrible gimmick. More on that later.
This also unfortunately ends the “Sunny follows the tag titles” era, as she doesn’t throw in with Owen and Bulldog and accompany them to the ring as a sexy, gender-swapped Jim Cornette. Which is funny, because she was already kinda that.
Whoops, Mankind And Shawn Michaels Had One Of The Best WWF Matches Of The Decade
Whoops!
If you own one of WWE’s 35-40 Mick Foley DVDs, you’ve seen this. It’s such a good match that it bumps Mind Games up from a “flaming pile of garbage” to a “must watch.” It’s everything that could possibly be good with the WWE main event style, done in a Bret Hart-less era that desperately needed it. Shawn Michaels was good-to-great in the ring, but he was also at least a foot up his own ass, and it hurt the sincerity of his performances. Here, he spends nearly half an hour trying to stop an indestructible psychopath who seems to get off on pain and suffering. Mankind’s selling is next-level here, especially for the time and place, and watching him stab himself in the leg to regain feeling or throw himself shoulder-first into the mat in a fit of agonized rage is captivating, even when you’ve seen it before. Mick beats the sh*t out of himself AND Shawn, and there’s even a huge table bump off the top to the outside.
The only thing that keeps it from being the perfect match is the finish, which is Vader running in for a DQ nearly 27 minutes in. They do some brawling and the Undertaker shows up to get revenge on Mankind, but none of that really matters. If you missed this match, find it somewhere and watch it. I can’t compliment it enough. It’s the only match that could’ve saved the show, and it did it with authority.
It would’ve been crazy to see Mankind as champion here, but he doesn’t get that honor until 1999. It’s worth it, though.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw for September 23, 1996.
Worst: Taking Phone Calls From Ahmed Johnson Is A Terrible Idea, Or
Best: Marc Mero Vs. Faarooq
You’d think I’d give an automatic worse to sluggish space gladiator Faarooq Asaad jobbing out to the Wildman Marc Mero (one of my least favorite wrestlers ever in any of his personae) in the finals of an Intercontinental title tournament, but I have to give credit where credit is due: this is shockingly good.
It has a lot going for it. There’s consequence, as the Intercontinental Championship is on the line and neither man has previously held it. Pat Patterson is the guest referee, and he’s good at it. Sable and Sunny are at ringside and tease a catfight, but it’s just a tease, and we’re still a ways away from this kind of situation involving bras and panties and Sunny being thrown under the bus. Faarooq has recovered from those horrible West Virginia tapings and looks and moves a lot better, and Mero’s in that period when he decided he wanted to be a luchador. He pulls out somersault planchas, the “Mero Sault” and the “Wild Thing,” his tuck-and-roll version of the Shooting Star Press. It doesn’t look as nice as Billy Kidman’s at this point, but has a much better success-to-humiliating-failure ratio.
Sunny tries to give Faarooq her purse to use as a weapon, but Mero turns it against them, blasts Faarooq with it and connects with the Wild Thing to win his first (and only) IC strap. After the match we get a hilarious moment where Sunny nervously removes a brick from the purse and tries to hide it under the ring, despite a camera being right there to watch her do it. Mero thanks his partner “in and out of the ring” Sable, thanks Mr. Perfect for his guidance (starting a big story that will eventually make zero sense), and gives it up to his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Can you imagine the weird Internet arguments that’d happen if someone did that today? Like, picture Dean Ambrose winning the US title and being like, “I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHICH STRENGTHENETH ME.” Man, we’d be at each others’ throats for no reason.
Worst: Are We Really In Any Position To Call Out Someone On Their Realness
So, Jeff Jarrett is about to debut on Nitro. To cope with this, Raw is “exposing” him as “the World Wrestling Federation’s answer to Milli Vanilli” and saying he (gasp) didn’t sing his hit song, ‘With My Baby Tonight.’ That’ll certainly disgrace him and keep him from getting any fan support in the totally different wrestling promotion!
Next week they promise to unveil the “Real Double J,” which (spoiler alert) turns out to be Jarrett’s old roadie, The Roadie. He eventually becomes a dog with two Gs, and wades through the muck of a story that couldn’t possibly get a wrestler over until it’s time for him and Rockabilly to shop for airbrushed South Park tees.
Best: NO, STOP IT, THIS SHOW’S SUPPOSED TO BE TERRIBLE, GET OUT OF HERE
The new tag team champs take on The Bodydonnas in what I believe is the very last Boydonnas match. It’s fine, but only really notable for what happens outside of the ring.
The crowd erupts into a huge E-C-DUB chant, and we find out the ECW guys from Mind Games are back. Taz and Bill Alfonso (I believe) jump the security rail with ECW signs, including the classic “SABU FEARS TAZ” that would inspire a billion “SOMEBODY FEARS WHOEVER” homages, and we immediately go to commercial. Jim Ross practically loses his mind trying to bury ECW, screaming, “THEY WRESTLE IN A BINGO HALL!” like Raw didn’t start in the same kind of sh*tty ballrooms. When we come back, everyone’s gone and it’s back to the chinlocks. Owen and Bulldog retain, the Bodydonnas dissipate into mist and float away, and the cooler kids among us hopped on AOL and searched keyword “ECW.”
Note: I first discovered ECW via a wrestling magazine writeup of the Tommy Dreamer, “I’ll take ’em both, I’m hardcore” moment. I was a sheltered, repressed little homophobe (thanks, Virginia!) and reading about a guy who chose to get with two ladies at the same time made me so damn upset and confused. I was also enthralled, because puberty. I’m probably the only guy in the world who owes his sexual awakening to a Tommy Dreamer angle.
Best: Steve Austin Makes The Unbearable Bearable
This week’s main event is Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. The Stalker, which would’ve been great if time wasn’t linear and we could’ve done 1988 Barry Windham vs. 2000 Triple H. Instead, it’s exactly what you’d expect, with some bad superplexes and Mr. Perfect deciding to steal another one of Helmsley’s escorts. Oh, and unbearable Jim Ross won’t stop complaining about the match taking too long and compromising his exclusive interview with Razor Ramon and Bindaddicual Diesel.
The saving grace is Stone Cold, who sits in on commentary to spit-talk Kevin Kelly’s announcer tropes and point out the very obvious flaws in what’s happening on the show. “Why the hell does Barry Windham have all that stupid paint on his face? Everyone knows who he is!” He gets himself and the feud with Bret Hart over, but doesn’t get lost in the corporate mission statement pretending aging camo Barry Windham in Dudley Boy pajamas is a scrappy newcomer.
Worst/Best: One Of The Actual Worst Creative Decisions In Wrestling History, Prefaced By A Baller Promo
Eventually The Stalker puts away H, and we get to our TRUE main event: Jim Ross losing his f*cking mind.
Despite being worried that the wrestling match was gonna cut into his time, JR prefaces his introduction of “Razor Ramon” with a lengthy worked-shoot promo about how he’s been mistreated by the WWF, buried by Vince McMahon (who he outs as the owner of the company, and refers to as “Mr. McMahon” … an important distinction) and suggests that the nWo exists because he got a front office job and started passive-aggressively causing WWF to lose its stars. The promo is fussy and bitter as hell, but it’s GREAT, and by the time he’s halfway through it the crowd’s all, YEAH, WWF SUCKS, F*CK VINCE, JIM ROSS WAS SCREWED. Not what they intended, I’d imagine.
It’s fine, though, because JR introducing Razor Faux-mon is one of the saddest and funniest moments in company history. The crowd didn’t know what to expect, you know? They didn’t have smart phones back then and probably didn’t know that Hall and Nash had shown up on the live Nitro several hundred miles away. They’re like, “MAYBE,” made worse by being woken up by an exciting promo, and then RAZOR’S MUSIC HITS and OUT WALKS A GUY IN PURPLE TRUNKS. The crowd pops huge, and then you can straight-up hear the air being sucked out of them. It’s AMAZING. You’ve never seen a crowd go from 100 to 0 so fast. It’s like somebody died in the ring. “Big Titan” Rick Bognar shows up doing an absolutely terrible Razor Ramon impersonation and every single fan in the building emotionally taps out at once.
The best/worst part is that when Razor gets into the ring, Savio Vega attacks him and the show goes off the air. That means they didn’t just promise Razor Ramon and Diesel and deliver phonies … they promised Razor and Diesel, delivered a phony Razor and somehow EXTENDED THE ANTICIPATORY DRAMA TO NEXT WEEK, when we’d SURELY see the ACTUAL Diesel. It’s so f*cking unbelievable I can’t even get outraged by it. One of the funniest, saddest and most embarrassing things they’ve ever done. And that’s saying something.
Next week: the “real” Double J, and Isaac Yankem wondering how he actually got demoted from “wrestling dentist.”
Reminders:
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