Previously on the Best and Worst of Smackdown Live: WWE Backlash happened and was a rousing success from top to bottom, pleasing both hardcore and casual fans alike. In a related note, there’s a gas leak in my house. Where am I?
Remember to follow With Spandex on Twitter and like us on Facebook if you haven’t already. You can also follow me on Twitter @mrbrandonstroud for pretty much just wrestling stuff. And remember to check out our With Spandex podcast, McMahonsplaining.
Hit those share buttons! Please spread the word about the column on Facebook, Twitter, and whatever other social media outlets you use. Be sure to leave a comment in the comment section below as well. Your help and participation means a lot, especially while we transition into whatever it is we’re transitioning into.
And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live for May 8, 2018.
Best: Money In The Bank Qualifiers Keep Over-performing
The biggest compliment I can give Backlash is that it was such an irredeemable pile of illogical horse shit that WWE was shamed into doing a follow-up Raw and Smackdown that were full of actual wrestling matches and light on the swervy nonsense. The best part of Raw — and MOST of Raw — were the Money in the Bank qualifying matches, which consistently over-performed and gave the episode a real value. That trend continues on Smackdown, where there’s one (1) pancakes-in-our-luggage bit, two (2) sorta pointless “our feud’s not over” conversations with AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura, and then like an hour-45 of wrestling.
The best of the matches was probably the show opener, which saw regular 2018 show-stealer Mike the Goddamn Miz defeating United States Champion Jeff Hardy. Hardy doesn’t need to get into the match (because he’s already got a championship, even though he’s Mr. Ladders) and Miz does, because Daniel Bryan didn’t, and that’s another three months of content. Hashtag content. Hashtag Miz and Mrs. Hashtag Miz should win everything. Hashtag Bojack thoughts.
I especially liked the finish a lot, with Miz stealing victory from the jaws of defeat by taking a Swanton Bomb — almost always the end of a match — and countering Hardy’s tired pin attempt by hooking his rainbow arms and pinning him with a crucifix. It gets over The Miz as a ring general who is an asshole, sure, but not the kind of cowardly lower-card heel who needs, say, a team of jobber cronies named after him cheating to help him win every match. If Miz is gonna be a top level guy again, he needs to be able to win competitive matches. It’s one of the reasons Jinder Mahal’s run didn’t work. The guy couldn’t finish a match, even if he was wrestling the worst guy on the roster.
So yeah, welcome to UPROXX column number infinity about how The Miz is the ace of WWE and deserves to be showered with praise at all times. Monroe Sky’s conception and birth apparently helped him achieve his Perfect Form, and I’m incredibly into it.
Charlotte Flair vs. God’s gift to pitch-perfect impersonations Peyton Royce ALSO over-performed, which Charlotte seriously needed after that Money in the Bank cash-in loss and then super clean goober loss to Carmella at Backlash. Charlotte’s your top female in-ring performer, assuming they’re gonna keep Asuka relegated to weird tag matches and Comic Sans MS cell phone promos that make her look like she’s in the opening credits of Clarissa Explains It All, so she needed this win pretty badly. It’s also a great idea to show that Peyton Royce and Billie Kay are actually talented wrestlers as well, so they can believably carry their ends of feuds and not just be on-mic personalities. That’s why we’re having such a problem accepting Carmella. They didn’t really show their work, and we’re (as a general viewing audience) still not sure if she knows what she’s doing.
Flair gets the win and redeems herself in a solid 13 minutes of in-ring action, and moves on to the Money in the Bank ladder match alongside Ember Moon. I like every part of that sentence, except the implied part where Peyton Royce doesn’t also win.
That leads us to qualifier number three: a little over 10 minutes of Daniel Bryan vs. Rusev, which would need something like a double dick-kick to total collapse in a no disqualification WWE Championship match finish for me to Worst it.
I’m still so happy that Daniel Bryan’s able to compete in the ring again, and that he’s still competing at a high level. To say he “knows what he’s doing” is to say Jeff Bezos can afford to buy lunch, so you get cool stuff like him going after Rusev’s hand early in the match to keep the Accolade from working. Then it actually pays off, as Rusev sells on offense to remind us of the early match work, and it comes back with Bryan being able to torque the hand to escape the hold before it’s on. *mwah*
Also, hey, holy shit, RUSEV WON. I think that’s the most surprised I’ve been watching WWE television in at least a month, if we count “Roman Reigns not winning at WrestleMania” as a surprise. Pleasantly surprised, too, because it allows Bryan to have an actual story based on his hardships and character instead of just being the popular guy they brought back. The reason we loved Bryan as a WWE thing is because his story was so long and treacherous, and we fought all the way up alongside him. If he shows up and can just beat everyone and it’s fine, there’s no drama. Bryan’s been one of if not the best wrestlers in the world for like 15+ years now, but he’s still a very small guy in a land of giants trying to compete with a possibly-not-totally-functioning set of insides. I don’t want them to rely on that for match storytelling (especially not another “concussion” angle), but it’s nice to remember it’s a real part of Bryan’s life, and that it can be used to create believable, subtle match psychology on the reg.
ALSO RUSEV WON. I had to type that again. Daniel Bryan’s a saint.
Worst: Paige Is Tripping
In this episode, Paige:
- refers to Backlash as the “first co-branded pay-per-view,” and I know what she means, but there were seriously two other co-branded pay-per-views within the last month
- calls Backlash a “smashing success,” which is like saying Gigli should’ve won best picture
- is mean to her former Absolution friends and tries to get them to not be friends WITH EACH OTHER for seemingly no reason other than she’s a face now and they aren’t
That’s all in the writing, but woof, that’s some rough writing. I’m glad they didn’t dwell on the non-wrestling parts of the show too much, because aside from Nakamura being charmingly hateful it was pretty rough.
The Paige/Absolution stuff’s there to set up the worst in-ring stuff of the night, too, with Becky Lynch losing to a Mandy Rose roll-up of doom in like two minutes. I’m going to think of this match and the Cesaro/Xavier Woods match as the “cool down” quarter-hours between the great stuff at the beginning and the great stuff at the end.
Worst: Why Is This Bugging Me So Much
The Bludgies are on “remind us they exist” pre-taped promo duty this week, and the way it was shot bothers me so much. The hook is that they show a bunch of toys of other tag teams, but the Bludgeon Brothers have their OWN toys, which are HAMMERS, which they use for BLUDGEONING. Right? So they pan across this collection of mutilated toys and there are New Day action figures, The Bar action figures, Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows action figures and Usos … shirt? Is that a torn up shirt? Could y’all not find a set of Usos action figures? WHY IS THIS BOTHERING ME.
Best: Cesaro Relieves Xavier Woods Of A Working Face
Finally this week we’ve got seven very watchable minutes of Cesaro vs. Xavier Woods, happening because Woods pinned Sheamus on last week’s show, and this week there were pancakes where pancakes shouldn’t be. I’m pretty tired of all pancake-related content, but they bring me back in with Big E getting Sheamus off the apron by hurling singlet cakes at him. “Those are even more disgusting than the normal ones!”
The highlight here is the finish, in which Cesaro gives Woods a case of the Ken Shamrock Mouth with a European uppercut to the jaw, mid-springboard elbow. It looks like he was supposed to catch him with the arm under the cin — you know, a European uppercut — but timed it a little wrong and just shoulder-blasted him in the face. Please to enjoy:
Next time maybe don’t steal an actual living superman’s shirts and underpants and fish oil supplements and replace them with breakfast?
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Harry Longabaugh
My money’s on the guy who got himself over despite WWE’s efforts otherwise and then married a not-particularly-talented wrestler.
PatsShredShack
Corey Graves’ commentary as Mandy Rose make her entrance is like accidentally going into the wrong room in a porn shop but the guy tells you you can stay if you be quiet.
Yukon Cornelius
Did Becky pull on Vince’s arm backstage or something?
Blade_222
Mandy Rose’s entrance is like if Val Venis and Goldust has a baby
Amaterasu’s Son
Mandy Rose is seriously giving me old Silk Stalkings vibes with her entrance.
Endy_Mion
I think that since Bryan has proved to Colin he isn’t chicken, WWE needs to get cooking to find Cassarole
AwkwardLoser
Wish Bobby Lashley was on Smackdown if only so he and Paige can interact and jockey for position over who can make me feel more uncomfortable
Wolfman92
The IIconics are out here like a gorgeous, Australian female version of Statler and Waldorf.
After my heart.
Brute Farce
“I challenge AJ to ‘Balls Count Anywhere’ match.”
The Real Birdman
Nice to see Sting still has a job switching out MitB briefcases from men’s to women’s matches
na na na nana, nana na na na na
all right all right
Very good episode this week, and more in tune with what Smackdown should be doing with their incredible roster of talent and “land of opportunity” gimmick. Money in the Bank qualifiers forever! Don’t even do Money in the Bank, we’ve got a week of matches with consequence!
Thanks for reading as always, and make sure to something something comment something something share. And be here this weekend for …
There’s not a pay-per-view this weekend? That can’t be right.
