Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live: We learned about Lana Day, Kofi Kingston used Cesaro’s entire body as a springboard, and WWE promised us a Samoa Joe vs. Daniel Bryan one-on-one match we probably shouldn’t have gotten our hopes up over.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live for May 29, 2018.
Best, Then Worst: The Stench Of Cass
So, this is a “worst” from a fan perspective. I think WWE knows now that the most evil thing they can do to true wrestling fans is to present them with something they’d really want to see, only for someone unlikable to step in and “ruin” it. A good example of this is Nakamura showing up to end the first AJ Styles vs. Daniel Bryan match on WWE soil with low blows. A more direct example of this is Big Cass showing up to, uh, end the first Samoa Joe vs. Daniel Bryan match on WWE soil before it ever happens. From a “guy writing about wrestling on the Internet” perspective, I get it. It’s a very underhanded thing to do, and I hate Big Cass (the character) for repeatedly doing it. From a fan perspective, however, I’d like to see someone put Cass into a garbage can and dropkick him into the fucking sun.
The opening segment perfectly illustrates this, as Samoa Joe opens the show with great intensity and lays down the information for Money in the Bank, his championship hopes, and Daniel Bryan’s general life. Then Bryan shows up as WWE’s most righteously indignant babyface, standing up for himself and reminding Joe that he’s gonna break his legs for shit-talking his adorable yogurt baby. It’s two people with great on-screen charisma and as much street cred as wrestlers can have engaging in a heated, realistic-enough sounding conversation to get us hype for them wrestling the shit out of each other in the main event. And then a big corny fifth grader who can’t even believably walk on a crutch shows up to read his sassy heel script from a handful of bad writers and drags it all down. Imagine if you went to a mystery show and they were like, “up first, here’s Kendrick Lamar and Chance the Rapper,” and halfway through the first song Cowboy Troy shows up and runs them off-stage.
So that sets up the now bait-and-switched main event, which is still pretty good, because you could put Daniel Bryan and Samoa Joe in the ring with Buster from Arthur and they’d get him through it. I wasn’t super into Bryan getting choked out to end the show, but I did like the idea that Joe only got that hold on him the way he did because of the triple threat rules, and that Bryan would’ve never just given him his back like that if he hadn’t been trying to laterally press a 7-foot block of drywall.
It continues the beef, which I’m okay with assuming we actually get the real version of Joe vs. Bryan at some point. The danger of Smackdown is that they can pair up two of the best wrestlers in the world for months of television programming, and then beat them to death with so many non-finishes and ridiculous match contrivances and aging General Manager interferences that you never want to see them wrestle again. The right man won here, and Cass essentially “caused” Bryan to lose by being terrible, so I’m into giving it the benefit of the doubt.
Cass should probably look into a DIY hip-hop career, though. ♫ He plays chicken with the train train ♫
Best: WAHHHHH! TWO!!!!!!
Similar to the Cass situation (but much better) is Shinsuke Nakamura, currently lost somewhere between a brilliant heel turn and a bunch of underwhelming matches. He’s making segments “worse” with his actions, by design. He’s heading into a Last Man Standing match with AJ Styles that would’ve lit our entire faces on fire a couple of months ago, but will now be the fifth time we’ve seen them wrestle a one-on-one showcase match in a little over a month. Plus, the hallmark of bad main event Smackdown booking is coming up with stupid endings to what should be good matches, and nothing in WWE history says “good match with a stupid ending” like Last Man Standing. Is Nakamura gonna tape up Styles’ feet? Is one of them gonna fall off a forklift and end up covered in garbage bags or something? Four cameras in a limo for backstage stunts!
Nakamura has a match with Tye Dillinger — hey, remember him? — built around how funny and obnoxious it would be if someone counted their own 10-counts in a Last Man Standing match. The analytical part of me says they’re doing this so they don’t have to have the referee stop the match every time somebody falls down to do a big dramatic 10 count and kill the drama of the match. Either that, or Nakamura’s just exceptional at being abrasive. Probably a little of both.
I’m going to have high hopes for the Money in the Bank match, and I hope they just let them go full-tilt and beat the shit out of each other for 35 minutes. That’s the “last man standing” match I want to see, not which guy can figure out how to lock the other in a locker room with some clangy poles and win on a technicality.
Best: Cien Cara
My favorite interaction of the entire show might’ve been this backstage meeting between old friends Sin Cara and Arade ‘Cien’ Almas. As you probably know (or at least inferred via subtle context clues), this way more palatable version of Sin Cara spent a lot of time in CMLL and AAA as either “Incognito” or “Mystico,” and of course ? was known as La Sombra in a previous life. I love everything about poor dirt mall Sin Cara bro-hugging a confused Almas until Zelina Vega runs up and tells him it’s 20 for a picture, 20 for an autograph, but you can get the combo for 30.
There’s something great about Vega truly raising up Almas’ character. Like, I think the idea is that we’re supposed to thinks he’s controlling and won’t let him have friends or something, but she’s the best manager ever and completely saved him from obscurity in NXT. She gave him laser focus, so now that she’s got him on the main roster she has to hold it. That rules. GET AWAY FROM US WITH YOUR MAIN EVENT STINK, SIN CARA. IF THAT’S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME.
I can’t wait for Almas to be a narc at the Lucha House Party.
Best: New Day On A Roll
The best match of the night (thanks, Cass) goes to the six-man tag between The New Day and the united-by-shake-up Bar Mizvah, specifically everything in the final stretch after Xavier Woods tags in. New Day does a great job of establishing each member’s individual personalities and strengths, so their dynamic in six-man tags becomes instantly fascinating. It’s like deciding which member has the highest VORP. Not to stay on Cass’ case, but Cass currently has the lowest VORP I can think of.
We still don’t know which member of the New Day is going into the Money in the Bank ladder match, but that’s a good thing. That gives us a second to sit with it and speculate, instead of having our hand held the entire time. If he’s going to win, it should be Kofi. If they aren’t winning, it should be Big E, and he should do everything he possibly can to walk out of that match as the breakout singles star. Sometimes New Day’s pancake and snacks obsessiveness takes away from how reliably good they’ve been in the ring for like two straight years now.
And of course Miz takes the pin here, because (1) The Bar needs to stay strong for their upcoming 15 matches in a row with New Day, and (2) Miz is definitely winning the Money in the Bank briefcase and somehow cashing in on Daniel Bryan between now and next April to set up the world’s easiest fantasy booking for WrestleMania. Maybe Alex Riley and Damien Sandow can get that cameo money.
Best: The Submission Sorority Rides Again
This segment really made me want a Team B.A.D. reunion. I still consider them members of the New Day. Seth Rollins, too. New Day extended cinematic universe. I don’t have a lot to say about it other than “Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte Flair should be awesome next week,” which is a full sentence more than I have to say about the Slag Brothers haunting people via flat screen.
Best? The Dance-Off
In other women’s division news, Naomi and Lana faced off in a “dance-off.” I don’t want to overstate it, but this might be the first time they’ve ever had a pro wrestling dance-off where both participants can actually dance. It’s usually like, Summer Rae shaking around and then Emma acting goofy until she gets attacked. There’s always a comedy angle to it. I appreciate them going a little more straight-up with it here, canned music choices aside, and that the segment briefly devolved into B-Boy friendship before the sudden but inevitable betrayal.
It’s maybe not the most Pure Sports Build segment ever, but shit, after the Lashley sisters and the B-Team Memorial Day Cookout, this felt like Frye vs. Takayama.
Best: Mella Is Mortified
Finally we have Asuka vs. Mandy Rose, made longer than five seconds by a pre-match attack from Sonya Deville. This really only exists to illustrate how unless major shenanigans occur, Asuka’s going to put her foot completely through Carmella’s skull and take the Smackdown Women’s Championship. But we know nothing BUT the major shenanigans will happen, and there’s nothing they love to telegraph more than a weird upset.
That’s … pretty much it for this week. Not a lot happened, but at least the rivalries all inched forward a little. Money in the Bank could be really good if they crank up the excitement and turn down the nonsense a little, so … you know, reverse-driving tractors and guys getting beaten up in dresses for everybody.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Amaterasu’s Son
“Daniel’s Got Your Leg!” To Cass should carry the same weight as “INDY COVER YOUR HEART!”
Naomi using Twerking is like using the one hit kill in Guilty Gear.
Endy_Mion
Joe vs. Daniel Bryan in a Grave Consequences Match would have been dope. The man of 1,000 Slow Deaths vs. The American Fenix.
The assassination of the dream main event by the coward Colin Cassidy.
Harry Longabaugh
Bryan, the next time you think about voting for Jill Stein, remember how it feels right now when a third party candidate disrupts a one-on-one.
Appropriately, the last thing Dillinger ever sees is the ref making the X sign.
TheBazz
Adding Big Cass to Bryan vs Joe is like taking a surf-and-turf with a perfectly cooked steak and a delicious lobster, and then throwing in Big Cass.
Brocky
Carmella: Yeah, who else can say they beat charlotte flair twice?
Phillips: Sasha Banks, Bayley, Becky Lynch, Paige, Natalya, hold on let me check the internet
Designated Piledriver
They don’t just set the breakfast Bar, they are the breakfast Bar.
muchsarcasm
This Cass thing is like if the Warriors/Cavs game 1 was about to start and then the Brooklyn Nets demanded to play too.
We get it, Kofi, you’re amazing.
That’s it for this week’s report. Be sure to drop a comment below to let us know what you thought of Smackdown, and share the column if the muse moves you. We’ll see you next week with Flair vs. Lynch, or more likely, Flair vs. Lynch vs. Cass.
