If you’re like me, you give that familiar head nod to the person walking towards you wearing a wrestling shirt. Maybe you “too sweet” ’em regardless of who they’re reppin’, or perhaps you call out the appropriate catch phrase. It’s a sign of appreciation, of admiration, of acknowledging that you come from the same family. Respect.
Also, if you’re like me, you’re already deciding which of WWE’s new line of Superstar underwear you’re gonna throw on your bottom. It’s just like wearing the respective Superstar’s shirt, except nobody knows who you have bear-hugging your nether regions.
So while you won’t be able to give public props to the stranger sporting WWE brand private-area clothing, you could still give that head nod to anyone who you believe is sporting them. Or you can just ask them. (Don’t do that).
Here’s how WWE describes the new line (notice the 12% below, bb):
Our WWE Collection’s boxer briefs are made of an ultra-comfortable 88% polyester / 12% Spandex blend with a Jacquard waistband.
Designed with five-inch inseam, tagless and features Contenders’ exclusive RIDE CONTROL – no ride-ups, total comfort, every time.
Now let’s rank these suckers in order of most absurd, yeah? Until Breezango officially chimes in, this list will have to do.
8. John Cena
It’s unclear why, but Cena’s chonies are only available in Youth sizes. That means they go dead last on this list, although they do feature John’s fingers making a hole right around well, you know.
7. The New Day
The New Day get penalized in these panty power rankings because of the obnoxious video they recorded to promote them. I don’t know if this was done in one take, or if there’s another 45 minutes of raw footage with Xavier yelling while Big E backs him up and Kofi looks suspiciously to his left.
6. Dean Ambrose
Dean Ambrose’s thing is that he’s reckless, he’s unhinged; he’s a lunatic. Not things I wanted associated with my genitals unless it’s coming from a place of honesty from someone I trust. If it is, then I can take the note.
5. Stone Cold Steve Austin
If you want me to take off my underwear give me a “hell yeah.” Austin Pee:16 says I gotta tinkle in the potty. And that’s the bottoms line because I’m gonna take off my bottoms and open up a can of whoop ass on my own ass for wearing these boxers.
(Sorry, sorry, sorry.)
4. Ultimate Warrior
The Ultimate Warrior boxer briefs rank right in the middle, due to their lack of direct-hit innuendo. Sure, the name “Ultimate Warrior” is possible oozing with innuendo, but at least these don’t have an arrow pointing to where the dick goes that says “ultimate” or “warrior.”
3. Roman Reigns
Word to the wise — if you’re taking your pants off around someone for the first time and they see you wearing these, you deserve to be booed nonstop. Whether it’s your yard or not. Also, don’t wear these while hanging around in your yard.
2. Seth Rollins
Seth’s “Kingslayer” nickname isn’t even referenced on his WWE.com profile, but it’s written all over these junk-protectors. There’s a 100 percent chance whoever wears these will refer to their weiner as a “Kingslayer.” Honestly, I’m happy for them. It’s a good nickname.
1. AJ Styles
The No. 1 most absurd pair of underwear available on WWE Shop right now belongs to AJ Styles. The only thing that would make these more absurd is if it just had the Titantron quote “I am Phenomenal.” At least AJ’s name being on here implies that we’re saying he’s the phenomenal one. Also the number 1 is the most phallic digit of them all!
While we’re at it, other Superstar underwear we’d like to see include:
- Undertaker (Parts Unknown)
- Ted Dibiase (Everyone’s Got a Price)
- Daniel Bryan (Yes! Yes! Yes!)
- The Rock (It Doesn’t Matter What Your Name Is)
- Bret Hart (The Best There Is, The Best There Ever Was, and the Best There Ever Will Be)
- Ric Flair (To Be The Man, You Gotta Beat The Man)
(Again, sorry.)
