Previously on Sunday Night Heat: Mankind took us to promo class, Mark Henry pressed Vader above his head with his bare hands, and Chyna punched Mr. Yamaguchi-san so hard it turned him into a bowling ball.
Previously on Raw Is War: It turns out Val Venis didn’t get his pee-pee choppy-choppied at all; famous dickless man John Wayne Bobbitt saved him at the last minute by turning off the lights, and then helped him dump his girlfriend for causing him to almost get his dick chopped off. You know, wrestling.
You can watch this episode on WWE Network here. You can follow the series and read previous entries on the Heat of the Moment tag page. If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below.
Here’s what you missed 21 years ago on WWF Sunday Night Heat, episode three, originally aired on August 16, 1998.
BaD To THe BoNZ
Real quick, I’d like to nominate Stone Cold Steve Austin’s t-shirt as the greatest ever example of WWE ruining cool shirt designs by putting a bunch of dumb shit on the back. Look at Austin’s shirt. “The front is fuckin’ metal, it’s your name in iconic font but icy blue and there’s a skeleton that’s ripped out somebody’s SPINE and he’s on a mountain of skulls and giving you the FINGER.”
What’s on the back? A sperm skeleton and the word “bones” spelled “BONZ.” He’s BAD TO HIS BONDS.
Austin’s role in the episode is to continue wondering whether or not the Undertaker and Kane are in cahoots, despite something that important never, ever being revealed on Sunday Night Heat. This is the pre-show, Steve, the best you’re gonna get is someone telling you to watch Raw tomorrow night.
The episode opens with new Tag Team Champions Mankind and Kane defending against [squint] top competitors Road Warrior Animal and Darren Drozdov. If you’ve been following along with Raw, you know that Austin and Undertaker lost the Tag Team Championship in a four-corners title defense under suspicious circumstances when Kane managed to pin his brother after one chokeslam. Not even a finisher, just one of his specials. Taker didn’t seem too bothered afterward, and Austin’s rightfully like, “???” Also if you’ve been following along with Raw, you know that Animal’s teaming with “The Droz” because his regular tag team partner’s going through a whole Leaving Las Vegas thing.
Kane and Mankind win, because of course they do. Undertaker shows up at the end of the night to tell Austin he’s making good on the promise to protect Austin from everyone else in the company, but can’t figure out how to save Austin from himself. Austin just won’t let sleeping dogs lie, and he’s far too interested in the Machiavellian machinations of a 7-foot tall fire demon and his brother LITERALLY DEATH to escape without getting thrown at the ground by the neck. Austin, a self-fulfilling prophecy if he’s anything, shows up to do some more prodding. He ends up surrounded by Kane and Undertaker, and we head to an All-New Pac Blue™ with nothing resolved.
HeAT 1NDEX
The front of Austin’s shirt – ?
The back of Austin’s shirt – ❄️❄️
Currently in cahoots – ??
1’LL Be THeRE FoR YoU
My new favorite WWE character is “FRiEND.”
The announce team gets as bored as you or I during the opening match, and decide to talk among themselves. Shane introduces FRiEND as “Michelle,” and immediately pivots to how she should show Jim Ross her tongue ring.
In truest Hank Hill fashion, Ross’ response is, “WHAT IN THE WORLD WOULD YA USE THAT FOR? For goodness sake …” Shane’s like, “HO YEAH, HA HA HA!” I’m really starting to fall in love with this show as an Into The Wild scenario wherein Shane McMahon is a Emile Hirsch, and JR is the Hal Holbrook that wants to take care of him but just doesn’t understand. In the Hollywood remake of Sunday Night Heat, this ends with Shane catching a terrible disease and Ross staying up late to keep him company with wistful stories about missing his wife.
HeAT 1NDEX
Such a sexy, sexy pretty little thing
Fierce nipple pierce you got me sprung with your tongue ring – ???
LeFTY GRoVE
Last week, Mark Henry lifted Vader above his head in a press slam. This week, Brawl For All ingenue Bart Gunn — better known to the announce team all of a sudden as “Lefty” — tries to top that with a big hoss vertical suplex.
It’s impressive, and probably the most actually skillful thing Bart Gunn ever did in a wrestling ring. That said, it’s a lot less impressive than the press slam because it’s mostly about how strong Vader’s posting arm is and how long his core strength can keep him stretched out like that. Still though, most of us couldn’t have even gotten that far.
Godfather, Shane McMahon, and Friend smoke cigars at the announce table while Jim Ross loudly complains about hating it, and then Godfather and Lefty go at it. They’ve got a big Brawl For All match coming up, and Bart Gunn’s left hand’s ability to unexpectedly humble bad-ass wrestling legends with a single pop has got them thinking “real fighting during the fake fighting = ???.”
HeAT 1NDEX
That suplex – ?
The rest of the match – ❄️
THe VaMPIRE CHRoNICLES
This week’s most important debut is THE WHITE WOLF (publishing), Gangrel. He’s mostly notable in WWE history for having one of the coolest entrances ever, having one of the most universally beloved entrance themes they’ve ever done in-house, and for his Satanic pre-match ritual where he drinks blood out of a big goblet and spits it on everybody.
Sorry, did I type “blood?” I meant “viscous substance.” In a very Michael Cole thesaurus type of decision, WWE has decided that saying, “the vampire is drinking blood,” is too controversial an idea and that he must be drinking SOMETHING else. Sorta like how when the Undertaker crucifies Stone Cold Steve Austin, it’s not on a “cross,” it’s on a SYMBOL. IS IT SYMBOLIC, KING? Also, sorry, 20-year old spoiler alert.
Lost soul Shane McMahon is so horny about everything he assumes the blood is boner juice, and this exchange happens verbatim:
JR: “Oh, good lord. I don’t know what that viscous substance is, but …”
Shane: “I want some of it. It looks orgasmic! Bring some a that over here, Gangrel!”
He’s a vampire, guys. He’s dressed like a vampire and has vampire teeth. He’s drinking a thick red liquid. Put it together, it’s not ExtenZe@ Natural Male Enhancement, no matter how well that spelling would coordinate with Sunday Night Heat’s aesthetic.
Gangrel finishes off Scott Taylor with the Implant DDT, which Shane McMahon can’t seem to process is a DDT despite it starting like a suplex. In a related note, Edge defeats Taylor’s tag team partner Brian Christopher earlier in the night. It’s a nice moment of symmetry between Gangrel and a man who has the blood of Gangrel flowing through his veins. Also a long time ago spoiler alert. You know Edge was a vampire for a minute, it’s fine, he got better.
HeAT 1NDEX
Gangrel – ?
Gangrel’s entrance – ???
Viscous substances- ??
MaKE NeW FR1eNDS BuT KeEP THe OLD
That “HE IS COMING BACK” sign in the crowd is being held by Dustin Runnels, representative of Evangelists Against Television, Movies, and Entertainment. The joke is that you think he’s talking about Jesus, but he means Goldust. Brother might as well be walking around with a sign that says, “SORRY FOR THIS GIMMICK, THEY DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY WANNA DO, THEY JUST WANTED TO TALK SHIT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN GOD FOR A FEW WEEKS I GUESS.”
HeAT 1NDEX
Goldust coming back – ?
The idea that you’re ever going to make a heel character work when all you give them is, “they believe in God and think they know what’s good for you, and you HATE being told what to do, right other rural Christians?” – ❄️
JeFF THe BaRBER JaRRETT
This week’s main event is Determined Excellence vs. Sunday Night Heat all-stars Southern Justice. You can guess how it ends, since Southern Justice’s catchphrase should’ve been, “we cause disqualifications for Jarrett and he causes disqualifications for us if ya smell what the bounty hunting farmers are cookin’.”
Jarrett’s starting to evolve from “ain’t I great” Jarrett into “slapnuts” Jarrett, and now that he’s started dressing in non-suspender-centric clothing, he’s adding COOL MATRIX SUNGLASSES. People loved sports sunglasses in the ’90s, and Jarrett clung to them longer than anybody. All he needs to complete the look is to lose his fashion mullet. Coincidentally enough, he’s started randomly trying to cut people’s hair for no reason, and tries to cut off X-Pac’s split ends here. That’s so funny, I wonder what that’s all about?
HeAT 1NDEX
Southern Justice matches – ❄️
The endless branding and re-branding of “Jeff Jarrett is from the south and cheats” – ❄️❄️
Anything that sets up hair vs. hair – ?
ALSo ON TH1S EP1SoDE
Sable and Jacqueline hit each other with kindergarten Christmas play-level dialogue and delivery until they end up agreeing to an arm wrestling contest. Sable promises she’ll DROP THE BOMB on Jacqueline. During arm wrestling! Seems excessive, but sexy people lead more interesting lives than me.
Finally, Tiger Ali Singh pays this random Jared from Subway $500 to eat a live worm. He does it, and everyone cheers. Tiger Ali says this shows how desperate and pathetic Americans are, which I guess wasn’t common knowledge back in 1998. WWE would later run this same scheme with the Boogeyman, where they started seeing how often they could pay him to eat worms on television, then forgot to pay it off and sent him payments for 10 years.
NeXT WeEK
We see how many snowflake emojis I can copy onto a page without breaking WordPress when The Oddities face off against Southern Justice, Mrs. Yamaguchi-san makes her final Sunday Night Heat appearance, and Mario Lopez stops buying GOT WEED? shirts on the Venice beach boardwalk to tell us what he thought about getting into a fight with a porn star at a wrestling show.
All this plus NeW FRiEND, next week!
