Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: The Ultimate Warrior promised that nothing could stop or break up the Ultimate Maniacs, and then randomly left the company before they could have their first match, thereby stopping and breaking up the Ultimate Maniacs.
If you’d like to watch this week’s episodes, you can do that here and here, and you can support the column (so we’re allowed to keep writing it) by reading previous installments on our Jesus Christ, Superstars tag page.
If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below. Important note: as of the date of publication, these are the final two 1992 episodes of Superstars on WWE Network. We’ll hopefully be able to pick back up with the column if and when they add more.
Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for November 28 and December, 1992.
Jobbers Of The Week
Teaming up with Barry Horowitz in a losing effort to High Energy is W.T. Jones, aka Great Value Bad News Brown. Not to be confused with WWE Hall of Famer (somehow) “S.D.” Jones or the W.T. Jones from Princeton who wrote extensively about the history of western philosophy, this W.T. Jones had a five-year run on the ass-end of the World Wrestling Federation and then disappeared off the face of the Earth.
If you’re wondering what “W.T.” stands for, as far as I can tell, it stands for “Wilton.” If S.D. Jones was “special delivery,” maybe W.T. was “wire transfer?” I guess they just wanted another black guy who can’t win wrestling matches to add to the Letter Letter Jones cinematic universe.
Meet Pope John Paul, former tag team partner of Tracy Smothers in “The Mason-Dixon Connection.” He’s here to lose to Shawn Michaels, because George Ringo was busy.
Absolute Jobber Shit-Kicking Of The Week
The all-not-star duo of Kevin Kruger and George Anderson team up against the Headshrinkers in one of the worst mistakes of their entire lives. Holy crap do they systematically murder George Anderson. That picture above is of Fatu licking George’s face and pretending to eat it after kicking his teeth down his throat.
They also hit him with this double team powerbomb that will make your spine hurt out of sympathy for the next week:
I don’t know what George Anderson did to deserve this level of a beatdown, but whatever it was, I hope he earned it.
Insecure Heels Of The Week
Not a lot happened at the 1992 Survivor Series — thanks, Warrior — but the match results left a lot of the mid-card heels on the roster feeling terrible about themselves. The most egregious is probably Kamala, who spent the last month being slowly stalked by a figure of death he couldn’t understand only to get whacked in the head with an urn and rolled into a giant, personally decorated casket. Now, he’s reasonably a little shaken up about it.
Kim Chee and Harvey Wippleman (mostly Harvey) say that Kamala would’ve won the match if he (the guy who doesn’t speak English, doesn’t understand the basic rules of professional wrestling, and has been dragged out of the jungles of Africa and put on display a la King Kong) would’ve just listened to them. Maybe if y’all had bought the dude some clothes and a Rosetta Stone he’d be a lot farther along in his acclimation, but what do I know, I’m not a carnie sports agent for a league of cartoon fights. Anyway, they’re planting the seeds for a Kamala face turn here, obviously, as “this guy can’t think for himself and someone’s taking ADVANTAGE of him” is a strange and ongoing meta commentary WWE runs on itself.
Also feeling sorry for himself is NAILZ, who has lost 100% of his threat and momentum after getting thwarted by the Big Boss Man. Nailz is here to let us know that he’s actually an innocent man, and that he’s only a violent criminal now because systematic abuse made him that way. We’re supposed to boo this, because in the World Wrestling Federation we SUPPORT OUR COPS, and think that anyone suggesting they might be part of the problem is actually the bad guy.
Nailz got his ass beat by Paul Blart Prison Cop, so now he wants to pick a fight with a nigh-invulnerable 7-foot tall mortician necromancer who can control fire and shoot lighting. Sounds like a good career move. Nailz would be out of a job less than a month later.
Jacket Of The Week
43-year old Bob Backlund returns to the World Wrestling Federation this week, and boy is there a lot to unpack about this jacket. Horizontal stripes, baggy sleeves, puffy shoulders with shoulder pads, a butterfly collar and a U.S. flag eagle? Jesus Christ, Bob, you look like a patriotic disco pirate.
Bob gets a win in his first match back, pinning local science teacher Tom Stone with SCIENCE. Fun fact: Bob Backlund feels like he’s 100 years old in 1992, but here he’s only about six months older than AJ Styles is right now. When did we all agree to bump the average age of professional wrestlers up by like 15 years? Was it after the late ’90s, when they stopped remembering how to make stars and leaned too hard on the old ones for two decades?
Non-stop Doink of The Week
We’re in the home stretch with these random Doink the Clown crowd appearances, so he’s showing up more and more. Here he is interrupting Max Moon vs. Brian Costello to give someone a balloon penis. He also distracts everyone during a Damien Demento match by handing out endless scarves, and stands in the aisle pretending to be a mime for Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Dale Wolfe. He sure is saving us from a lot of bad wrestling. Is Doink the Clown the biggest babyface in the WWF?
Debut Of The Week
BAM BAM BIGELOW is finally back, using the skills he learned battling Major Payne to defeat Vine Star Jerry Fox. Bam Bam is definitely the toughest guy in the company, as long as no football guys show up.
Starburst Of The Week
An unexplainably juicy Marty Jannetty, seen here dressed like a Woozle’s guts, wants revenge on Shawn Michaels for throwing him through that barbershop window way back when, and for making him accidentally mirror’s edge Sherri Martel out of the company. Marty is fired up this week, but not enough to make him run in place like one of the Flintstones.
Runner-up for Starburst of the Week is Crush vs. Red Tyler, which looks like somebody dropped a pack of highlighters in the ring.
Stiff Chop Of The Week
Be careful, Louie, that almost made contact.
Religious Guy Finds Religion Of The Week
Finally we have the return of Reverend Slick, who has decided to stop being the bad kind of reverend that manipulates people into giving him things, and to start being the GOOD kind of reverend, who appreciates your support and only asks you to constantly give him things. He might as well have held up a sign that says “hurry up and turn face, Kamala, I want to take you bowling.”
I WILL AS SOON AS YOU UPLOAD MORE EPISODES, STOP YELLING AT ME