Here are your official, damning predictions for Sunday’s WWE Extreme Rules 2014 event, airing live on the WWE Network and on whichever weird pay-per-view networks haven’t let go. The show is headlined by some mild extremities, and also some rules.
Here’s your full card, followed by your official staff (Brandon) predictions:
– Pre-show “WeeLC” Match: El Torito vs. Hornswoggle
1. Intercontinental Championship Match: Big E (c) vs. Bad News Barrett
2. Steel Cage Match: John Cena defeats Bray Wyatt
3. WWE Divas Championship Match: Paige (c) vs. Tamina Snuka
4. Evolution (Triple H, Batista and Randy Orton) vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns)
5. Handicap Match: Alexander Rusev vs. Xavier Woods and R-Truth
6. Triple Threat Match: Jack Swagger vs. Cesaro vs. Rob Van Dam
7. Extreme Rules Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Kane
Predictions:
– Pre-show “WeeLC” Match: El Torito vs. Hornswoggle
What Should Happen: This is the most “what should happen” of them all. What should happen is we should be able to enjoy this ridiculous, absurd happenstance with an undercurrent of shame for pro wrestling’s less than stellar representation of little people. Enjoy the performers, you know. A leprechaun with seniority who is suddenly a brawler in a rock band (?) against a luchador who dresses and acts like a bull. It should be a lot of fun.
What Will Happen: LOOK AT THESE FREAKS MAGGLE, CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY AIN’T FULLY GROWN, UNBELIEVABLE
Bonus points if Sheamus gives up his seat at the pre-show commentary table and mauls both little dudes and all their friends, cementing his position as the biggest dick in the world. Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan at the next pay-per-view, I don’t care how we get there. Even if we have to go through wee-LC.
1. Intercontinental Championship Match: Big E (c) vs. Bad News Barrett
What Should Happen: BAHBAHBAHBAHBAHBAHBAHBAH BAOOOOMMMMMM
What Will Happen: I honestly don’t see a reason to build an entire, mostly-amazing tournament around crowning a number one contender to a belt that never gets defended unless you want that contender to win the belt and make it relevant. I don’t have faith in WWE’s ability to make their secondary titles mean anything, nor do I think Wade Barrett needs to recapture the curse that dragged him down in the first place here at his greatest-ever surge of popularity, but if this match ends any other way than a Dog Boner to the jaw, they’re stupid.
Just treat this like an extension of the tournament. Have Barrett and Big E go out and beat each other up. That’s all you have to do. Nothing overbooked, nothing crazy, just two big dudes throwing bombs and hammerblows at one another until one of them drops. Give me fifteen minutes of something like this at every pay-per-view and your secondary title will mean something in half a year.
2. Steel Cage Match: John Cena defeats Bray Wyatt
What Should Happen: What’s there to say? The things that should happen are impossibilities. John Cena making a permanent change of some kind. Being altered in some way by Bray’s mission statement. Certainly not “I have to pin this guy I already pinned to keep his message out, because time isn’t linear and sound can’t travel through cage mesh.” Worst case scenario, Bray should get a strong, emphatic win. Cena’s not changed by wins and losses, and we’d like Bray to seem important at some point during the remainder of his career.
What Will Happen: Cena puts a sheep mask on Bray, does the “you can’t see me” gesture in front of his own crotch and then Attitude Adjustments Bray so hard the four walls of the cage collapse in onto him, crushing him and silencing him forever. An hour later, a confused Husky Harris crawls out from under the ring, wondering what’s happened to the New Nexus.
3. WWE Divas Championship Match: Paige (c) vs. Tamina Snuka
What Should Happen: Paige should win by utilizing her full moveset, hitting a Paige Turner and locking in the Scorpion Crosslock. Then, we should move away from running garbage Divas against her in matches and let her run with the people on the roster who can go.
What Will Happen: Hopefully that. Tamina is really pretty bad, and the farther away we can get from her top rope splash, the better. Paige’s story has just begun, and establishing her as a legit champion seems to be the point of all these one-on-one victories.
4. Evolution (Triple H, Batista and Randy Orton) vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns)
What Should Happen: This is going to sound weird, and I can’t believe I’m typing it. Evolution should win. Think about it … over the last few months, what have Triple H, Batista or Randy Orton done other than eat shit? Everything post-Alberto Del Rio flailing helplessly in the company of Batista has been at the Authority’s expense. Everything since … well, their debut pretty much has been The Shield being dominant. I think Evolution should get the duke here, maybe setting up a rematch for later. The Shield can take a loss, especially if it’s to three multi-time WWE Champions, and Triple H gets to continue his issue with someone not named Daniel Bryan. Keep those three away from Bryan’s title reign at all costs, please and thank you.
What Will Happen: A great match, I hope, full of Batista standing on the ring apron. Or maybe they do what I suggested last month and have one of The Shield break away to be the new “Randy Orton” in the new Evolution. Dean’s the obvious choice, but Roman’s the good one.
5. Handicap Match: Alexander Rusev vs. Xavier Woods and R-Truth
What Should Happen: Woods and Truth winning, because it’s 2-on-1. Only in WWE is a numerical disadvantage your best chance of winning a match.
What Will Happen: RUSEV CRUSH. Also, we get to see if Lana has special pay-per-view dresses.
6. Triple Threat Match: Jack Swagger vs. Cesaro vs. Rob Van Dam
What Should Happen: Cesaro should absolutely obliterate these dudes. Leave them stinky smears on the canvas. This should be a total spotlight for him, allowing him to do everything cool he can think of between moments when RVD gets his shit in on Swagger. If we can have Cesaro swing both of them at the same time, I’d be all for it. I imagine a Neutralizer on Swagger is the finish. End that story definitively. Van Dam can just kinda exist, as he’s been doing.
What Will Happen: Honestly? I think Van Dam will win. If he’s only around part time and didn’t get the win in the IC title tournament, he can win this to give him a high profile victory without having to pin Cesaro. Swagger can take the loss, because that’s Swagger’s job description. Cesaro can remain strong by being cool during the match.
7. Extreme Rules Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Kane
What Should Happen: I still don’t know if Bryan should be wrestling after the month he’s had, but it wouldn’t be the WrestleMania XX push if he wasn’t immediately shuffled into a feud with Kane. A strong win possibly accompanied by a cool visual is the way to go here for Bryan, whether it’s a Yes Lock with a kendo stick or something more creative. As long as he doesn’t say “burn in hell you BASTARD” and toss Kane into a burning dumpster or whatever, we should be good. Let Bryan be a superstar.
What Will Happen: Oh man, if Kane won it would be amazing. The Internet would rage bubble so hard it’d break your computer screen.
That won’t happen, though. Bryan retains, and goes on to face Sheamus in a weeLC at Over The Limit, or whatever.
