WWE Extreme Rules 2015 airs this Sunday, April 26, live on WWE Network. This is the one night a year when WWE goes “extreme.” Extremely what remains to be seen.
Here’s your complete (as we know it) Extreme Rules ’15 card.
1. Steel Cage Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Seth Rollins (c) vs. Randy Orton. The RKO is banned, Kane is the cage’s “gatekeeper.”
2. Russian Chain Match for the United States Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Rusev
3. Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) vs. Naomi
4. Intercontinental Championship Match: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Bad News Barrett
5. Kiss My Arse Match: Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler
6. Last Man Standing Match: Roman Reigns vs. Big Show
7. Chicago Street Fight: Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper
8. Tag Team Championship Match: Tyson Kidd and Cesaro (c) vs. The New Day (Big E and Kofi Kingston)
And now, as always, our legally-binding staff predictions and analysis.
Tag Team Championship Match: Tyson Kidd and Cesaro (c) vs. The New Day (Big E and Kofi Kingston)
What Should Happen: The tag team division shouldn’t become the Pre-Show Division. Cesaro and Kidd should win after a long, exciting match culminating in Cesaro swinging Big E like one of the Iron Sheik’s hammers and walking around the arena destroying everything.
What Will Happen: I’m sad that every Cesaro story now begins with positivity and ends with us saying, “well, they aren’t doing anything with it, so we might as well do something else.” The New Day has a tiny baby amount of momentum. Cesaro and Kidd might as well be Los Matadores.
While it’s far too soon in my brain to pull the trigger on ANYTHING happening here, The New Day cheating to win makes the most sense. I just hope they get really nasty with it. Have Xavier Woods use Natalya as a human shield and distract the referee long enough for Big E to open his singlet and have like 35 foreign objects fall out. Big Ending Tyson Kidd onto a bed of discarded brass knuckles and chain fragments and women’s shoes and hot cups of coffee.
Staff Predictions
David D. – OH MY GOD GUYS THE HEEL TURN IS FINALLY HAPPENING WE MADE IT THANKS OBAMA. Tyson Kidd and Cesaro win and the New Day takes their anger out on White people across America.
Austin Heiberg – We’re telling more of a story with The New Day as they transition from Positive Gospel Dudes to Weirdly Disingenuous Gospel Dudes, but silly things like character development aren’t enough to stop my boys THE SWING CATS. Cesaro and Kidd continue to win and be generally awesome. FACT.
Jessica Hudnall – Kiddsaro retains when Xavier Woods gets a little too excited about cheating and just blatantly runs Cesaro over with a truck. Of course, Cesaro will bench press the truck and throw it into the ocean, but it still means the champs retain.
Nate Birch – Much like the women’s match, there’s really no reason not the change the belts here. Heel New Day are interesting, and it’s not like Cesaro and Kidd are working on some grand legacy or anything, they’re just keeping the belts warm.
Danielle Matheson – I feel like every time these guys are put into the mix, my prediction is the same: Everyone goes ham on each other, Cesaro and Big E have the boss fight of all hoss fights, and I break apart into rainbows and Alexa Bliss glitter and swirl and float up into the ether. SO either make that happen, or stop putting these guys into meaningless tag matches. If New Day goes over and Big E really looks strong (Cesaro can help him do that), with one Uso out recovering from face paint poisoning or whatever, you can surprise everyone and set up an exciting feud of tag guys who fought to get what they have, and guys who are nipping at their heels because they never get what they deserve. Hungry teams out to prove different things and beat the crap out of each other in the process come on I want it give it to me.
Chicago Street Fight: Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper
What Should Happen: This should be the moment when Harper and Ambrose look at each other and say, “hey, no matter what they tell us, we’re going to go out there and have the best match people have seen in years. Just tear it the hell up to the degree that nobody’ll be able to say anything to us.” And then that should happen.
It’s getting close to that make-or-break time for Dean Ambrose. They’ve got to shit or get off the pot with him. He’s got something intangible that people love, he’s got a unique look and character and he’s a good wrestler. It should be as simple as inserting him into important situations and following through with them so SOME of them make him look better. He’s looked like a dumb f*cking idiot since The Shield broke up (or at least since like, last July), so now’s the time to focus up and get him right. Harper’s great, too, but he’s still pretty ill-defined. You can take your time with him.
What Will Happen: Ambrose always loses these matches, doesn’t he?
I’m going to pick him anyway. My heart says they’ll have him do a big spot and mess it up for himself — jump off the TitanTron into a bed of exploding cardboard boxes, for example — and Harper will win. One thing WWE has taught me is to never, ever listen to my heart.
Staff Predictions
David D. – This is going to steal the show. I honestly hope that this is the match that gets Dean on the right track. He’s going on a year of not winning a singles PPV match since the Shield break-up. Hopefully this rights the ship.
Austin Heiberg – First of all, I was unaware we were allowed to do Chicago Street Fights without a native Chicagoan involved. It’ll be weird to see these guys hold back in a street fight when they’ve both got CAGE OF DEATH in their blood, but it’ll probably still be a fun ride. I think Ambrose gets the victory here.
Jessica Hudnall – Ambrose gets disqualified when he uses ketchup during a hot dog assault, and everyone knows that ketchup isn’t allowed on Chicago dogs. If that doesn’t happen, I’ll still go with Harper to win since that beard is just too damn powerful.
Nate Birch – This has the potential to be pretty good, since Harper seems to be the only person capable of dragging anything out of unmotivated, rebound clothesline-obsessed Dean Ambrose. I’m hoping for an old-school (and by old-school, I mean the late-90s) hardcore match that goes all around the arena and is full of wacky props. Ambrose wins this one.
Danielle Matheson – I’m always mystified by [THIS CITY HERE] Street Fights. At house hows they’ll be like HERE’S A HOBOKEN STREET FIGHT but never explain how the the rules are relevant to the city (a Hoboken street fight is one that’s just full of wrestlers from New York who can only use Italian pastries and gentrification as weapons). What I would like to see is Harper win because I always want to see him win, but I will be just as happy if Dean Ambrose takes the city-specific nature to heart, and starts hurling deep dish pizzas and copies of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Of course, I will be the happiest if Vince McMahon dresses Ambrose up like CM Punk so Harper can wail on him, followed by a very patient and loving backstage segment between Stephanie and Vince wherein she explains that they’re not real action figures, and J&J are on their way to take him for a drive to a nice place in the country for a while. Danke schoen, Steph.
Last Man Standing Match: Roman Reigns vs. Big Show
What Should Happen: Big Show should start the match with a KO Punch, and Reigns should be down for a count of infinity +1.
What Will Happen: Roman wins, obviously. If Big Show wins this match, the Cleveland Indians are winning the World Series. I just hope the finish involves that British car they spent so much time on. Here, I’ve got it: Big Show’s staggered in the ring like one of those Mortal Kombat “Finish Him” wobbles, so Reigns wanders up to the stage and disappears into the back. He drives out in the British car, drives it down the ramp at full speed and crashes it into the ring apron. He then goes through the windshield, flies through the ropes and spears Show for the win.
Staff Predictions
David D. – Roman Reigns is going to look strong here and win. I’m going to pass on watching this match to reduce head trauma.
Austin Heiberg – How do you rebuild your Samoan juggernaut after having him fall hilariously short at Wrestlemania? Outlasting a giant is a good start. I’ve got Reigns.
Jessica Hudnall – I really want this to come down to the wire with Roman hitting the Superman punch while Big Show lands his KO punch at the same time and Reigns valiantly climbs to his feet just before the 10 count. In reality, Show will probably get super glued to the ground because JOEKZ
Nate Birch – More like Last Man Awake, amirite? I’m actually deadly afraid that Big Show might win this match somehow and this feud will have to continue. If it happens, remember, I’m just the messenger.
Danielle Matheson – Predicted Winner: Roman Reigns. Real Winner: whomever has the foresight to just f*cking end this by not kicking out at the first pin attempt so we can all just move on with our lives.
Kiss My Arse Match: Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler
What Should Happen: The match should end in a double-pin, and we should spend at least 20 minutes of the show watching Ziggler and Sheamus lovingly eat the booty like groceries.
What Will Happen: I don’t think any of us have come to terms with the fact that WWE turned Sheamus into this cool-looking Immortals monster and devoted his first feud to him wanting Dolph Ziggler to lick his ass. What the hell are they thinking? That’s not a joke or a setup, I honestly have no idea what these people feel or think.
It seems off to have Sheamus lose his first big match back, so I have to pick him to win, but in that bad “Stephanie McMahon HLA” way where the person who loses refuses to participate in the stipulation and nothing of consequence happens. Like, Ziggler will lose the match by distraction or cheating or whatever and Sheamus get semi-nude for an arse-kissing, and then LOOK AT THIS, KING! Ziggler will uppercut Sheamus in the balls and be all, “I thought you said this was a KICK your arse match!” and then they’ll play his music even though he lost and by May we’ll have forgotten every aspect of this.
Staff Predictions
David D. – Sheamus has been shoot murdering people by accident and WWE is angry. So I assume this is punishment and he loses to Ziggler. I think they loser kisses Nicki Minaj’s soft ass to reduce head trauma.
Austin Heiberg – Listen, in a match where butt-kissing is the stipulation, we all lose.
Jessica Hudnall – I like the idea of the match, but the stipulation is ultra-dumb. If Sheamus brings out a war hammer or a cudgel of some sort, that would be great, and I’d love him forever for being practical. Sheamus wins and Ziggler does a weird backflip sell of kissing a dude’s butt.
Nate Birch – Dolph Ziggler teased that he was going to make Sheamus kiss his own arse, so I guess that’s what’s going to happen. I’m just trying to figure out the mechanics of that. My money’s on Dolph bringing a donkey with a red mowhawk down to the ring.
Danielle Matheson – I keep thinking “ugh, these two together again,” but then I realise that my lack of excitement for this match isn’t necessarily because of the crummy build up (some of it is, but not all), but because these two have a pretty solid history that’s never really drawn upon. When Ziggler was trying to get the World Heavyweight Championship off of Shemus, he was still with Vickie, and wrestling like a cowardly heel trying to escape moves more than make them. This led to those constant failings to cash in the Money in the Bank, the match against Jericho, and through the all-too-brief glory of Team Rocket. What I really want is some kind of evolution of Dolph Ziggler. He’s always looked at by fans as the guy who is held down, but he’s also unfortunately the guy who never levels up. He can change managers and catch phrases, but we’re still seeing the same things. If he can come out and show that he is a different guy, that he’s been through all of this and taken and learned and evolved since their last real big feud a few years ago, then it could be huge for Ziggler. Instead of trying to get out of things, just throw himself full-force at a guy who is way tougher and bigger and stronger and bounce around like a pinball but take it and try to come out on top so he can ziggle wiggle his asshole over Sheamus’s lips or whatever. Conversely, Sheamus returned to people thinking he looks like Buns of Steel Zoidberg, potentially concussed Daniel Bryan, and just can’t seem to get a foothold. Decisively beating the curls out of a MAX POWER fan-backed Dolph Ziggler can let him get back into that groove, but also get on a good trajectory towards being a great heel, and not just a guy nobody likes because he has dumb hair and hurt our favourite. I like character building and the potential to have something continue beyond one match on Raw, so I guess my pick is why not Zoidberg?
Intercontinental Championship Match: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Bad News Barrett
What Should Happen: Daniel Bryan should wrestle in a body cast and a halo brace and wrap the entire thing in bubble wrap. Giving Bad News Barrett the Intercontinental Championship is one of those default decisions WWE keeps making that never, ever ends well, even though out-of-context it looks great on paper. He’s just going to hold it, lose a bunch of non-title matches and then lose it to whomever you decided is going to “bring back the IC title” this quarter. Bryan should be healthy enough to win and keep chugging along until his inevitable, total-body breakdown, or Barrett should lose and do something drastic enough to put Bryan out forever.
I mean, if the guy’s going to keep being hurt and endanger his life, we need to cut our losses and make it a clean break. Don’t keep downgrading him and giving us 3-month runs over 9 months because you think we can’t live without it.
What Will Happen: Buh. Bad News Barrett wins the title and all that stuff I complained about happens? I hope not. I hope all these Daniel Bryan reports are just red herrings to make us care about his well-being and forget we’re watching a predetermined fight.
Staff Predictions
David D. – :( :( :( :( If this match happens and Daniel Bryan hits the Gee Dee flying headbutt I’m throwing my TV out the window. If the match happens, Daniel Bryan wins. I guess.
Austin Heiberg – [Austin could not be reached for his pick, as he was busy re-watching the main event of Wrestlemania XXX and listening to “Mad World” on repeat]
Jessica Hudnall – Poor ol’ Leaky Brain Bryan. There’s no way he holds on to the title here. Barrett will elbow him in the torso to avoid any danger and win.
Nate Birch – It’s very strange that they continue to even advertise this match. WWE’s own preview basically says, in thinly veiled terms, that Bryan is injured and the match isn’t happening. But obviously, Barrett still has to lose to somebody. Maybe R-Truth pins him while wearing a Daniel Bryan beard and mop on his head?
Danielle Matheson – Is this still happening? Is this a thing? Are we not rebooting Daniel Bryan as the Champ in the Bubble and not letting anyone touch him ever (and if not why not)? I kind of want Daniel Bryan to come out and be like “Look, I’m not medically cleared, I can’t fight you, go listen to the What’s The Story, Morning Glory and jerk off or whatever it is you do in your downtime, and we”ll get on with this PPV.” Then Barrett pretends to acquiesce, then attacks him anyways, crowd boos, Barrett laughs and makes off with the belt, then goes home to jerk off to <Definitely, Maybe while thinking man, that guy was WAY off.
Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) vs. Naomi
What Should Happen: Naomi trounces Nikki and wins the Divas Championship. Nikki and Brie try to pull a Sid/Papa Shango attack after the match, causing Cameron to show up as the figurative Ultimate Warrior and save the day. Then you can either make Cameron Naomi’s Damien Mizdow, or maybe her Waylon Smithers. I just want Naomi standing stoically in the background with the Divas Championship over her shoulder while Cameron intercepts potential interviewers and opponents with GURL BYE.
I mean, I don’t like Cameron either, but if you’re gonna pay her to be around, you might as well do something. Besides, you don’t touch butts that much and not stay bonded forever.
What Will Happen: Nikki retains, Naomi is disappointed and we get four weeks of Naomi being the heel because she’s “jealous” and “not good enough.”
Staff Predictions
David D. – Nikki wins after WWE gives Divas a three-minute chance. When can Charlotte show up?
Austin Heiberg – Part of me has wanted to see a Naomi title run ever since she went solo. I think I would have preferred it as a face, but I’ll also take Evil Divas’ Voice of Reason Naomi as champion. This would be easier to figure out if the Bellas’ morality wasn’t so ambiguous, but I still think we get a new champ here.
Jessica Hudnall – Nikki Bella retains thanks to the depleted uranium in her forearm. Just be glad Naomi’s head doesn’t explode.
Nate Birch – I actually have an inkling Naomi may win here. Interesting characters are few and far between in the Divas division, so when something like heel Naomi comes along, you may as well just go with it. I’m a Nikki Bella fan, but it’s not like she’s Brock Lesnar. She can lose, it’s fine. Besides, it seems like they’re turning the Bellas face, and they’re going to need a heel champ for when crowd-favorite badass worker Eva Marie ascends to her throne at SummerSlam.
Danielle Matheson – Brie gets distracted by the lights in Naomi’s shoes like a puppy trying to figure out why the treat is on its nose but they can’t just have it, and is so entranced that she can’t interfere in the match. Brie counters all of Naomi’s ass-based offense because she’s *gulp* watched a match before, so these two just strong-style the shit out of one another until HAHAHA just joking, Nikki retains, Naomi turns into Jealous Diva #37468, and I mainline a bunch of NXT women’s matches and pray for the future to be now.
Russian Chain Match for the United States Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Rusev
What Should Happen: Rusev should maul Cena and win back the United States Championship. Cena got the WrestleMania win he wanted, so the decent thing is to give the dude his heat back on a show nobody’s watching. The “touch all four corners” stip allows Cena to lose without actually being pinned or submitted, so that’s your “maybe this will actually happen” loophole.
What Will Happen: Always bet on John. The U.S. Open Challenge has at least been a productive, non-intrusive story point to allow Raws to have John Cena content without it being “John Cena content,” so the silver lining of him winning is that he stays somewhere in the middle and doesn’t rise back up to drown Seth Rollins.
Staff Predictions
David D. – For the first time in…Jesus…years…I actually want John Cena to win. His open challenges have been great and I don’t want him to lose the title until after Finn Balor debuts on RAW to wrestle him. Cena wins because Lana and Rusev have issues, teasing their break-up that will leave me in shambles. I think they’re replacing the chain with a rubber band to reduce head trauma.
Austin Heiberg – Rusev lost this the minute he decided not to call it a “SOVIET Chain Match.” That sounds so much more intimidating, no? John Cena will win here, and he will continue to do so until WWE finds a North Korean monster heel.
Jessica Hudnall – Of course I want Rusev to win, but I’m not a complete doofus. Cena is going to get a chain-assisted STF, but with any luck, Rusev passes out to spare him any shame of tapping out (Which isn’t actually a thing, but that’s not the narrative any time someone submits)
Nate Birch – The John Cena US Open Challenge has actually been pretty fun, and made Cena seem like a likable, selfless dude for once, so they’re probably going to kill it off. Apparently WWE is high on Lana and want to do more with her, so maybe she’ll get a little more physically involved than usual and cost Cena the match.
Danielle Matheson – I refuse to believe that breaking up Lana and Rusev serves any real purpose other than to further prove WWE’s inability to write a woman into a situation wherein she’s not immediately at fault for everything ever. As his manager, it makes sense in-context to try to help via ~shenanigans, but WWE a) hates/completely doesn’t understand context, and b) bitches be trippin, amirite? As heartbroken as I would be to see them split up, I absolutely have no reason to trust that WWE can handle any storyline with a heel woman with grace or respect, or even make it anything interesting and not just another reused, broken trope from their Female Stories in Wrestling 1986 catalogue special. So whatever. Cena wins, and I continue to enjoy Lana and Rusev being insanely adorable together in real life.
Steel Cage Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship: Seth Rollins (c) vs. Randy Orton. The RKO is banned, Kane is the cage’s “gatekeeper.”
What Should Happen: There is no reason whatsoever for Randy Orton to win this match. He doesn’t need it, and like Cena’s “touch all four corners” thing, he’s got enough modifiers and qualifiers to explain a loss. He beat Rollins clean at WrestleMania, so now he can lose to him in a match inside a cage that’s no-DQ and also he can’t use his signature finish move and also Kane’s there for some reason. Just take the loss, and if you have to, RKO Rollins off the cage when it’s done to send people home happy.
What Will Happen: Jokes aside, Rollins has to retain. He’ll retain in the dirtiest way he can imagine, but he’ll retain. Orton leaving this show as WWE World Heavyweight Champion would be the most neutering thing in the world.
Staff Predictions
David D. – Obviously Seth Rollins wins after someone interferes because Randy Orton doesn’t understand the fact that people have been given the ability to climb things. Of course, this doesn’t happen before Seth Rollins eats an RKO out of a Phoenix Splash from the top of the cage. I think they’re also lining the cage with pillows to reduce head trauma.
Austin Heiberg – Okay, so the RKO is banned, but Kane is the gatekeeper. HOWEVER, if Rollins can make a Fortitude save of 18 or better, then he takes no fall damage, but only if it’s a full moon. I had my guy in logistics run the numbers, and it looks like Seth will retain here. Can we have a less complex dungeon next time?
Jessica Hudnall – I hope The Gatekeeper Kane becomes his new thing, and it’s just him being polite and opening doors for people. Anyway, Kane will tease betraying The Authority and Rollins at least half a dozen times, but ultimately, he knows what’s Best for Business, and that’s preventing weird, mentally disturbed snake men from becoming world champion. Rollins retains and then it’s time for a pizza party to celebrate!
Nate Birch – They’ve gone to some impressive lengths to make this match as absolutely boring as possible. It’s Randy Orton vs. New Randy Orton in a bloodless cage match where both guy’s finishers are banned and the only real storyline going in is, “Will Kane turn for the 100th time in his career?” He’ll look like he’s about to, but then he won’t, because Seth Rollins isn’t about to lose to Randy Orton.
Danielle Matheson – “So I can’t use the RKO. Can he use the Curb Stomp?” “No.” “Can I punt him in the head?” “No.” “So that also rules out headbutting him like Daniel Bryan?” “Um, well, actually…” The curb stomp is wicked safe, and I’m still a little butthurt that I don’t get it in my life anymore, especially since Rollins’ new finisher is just…maybe not so great. In a dream world, the match would just be Orton and Seth locked in a cage, debating which new finishers they should use and arguing the pros and cons of each until Kane gets exasperated, comes in, chokeslams them both, and then says “I’m too old for this shit” and wanders off through the crowd to go get a Sprite. Realistically there’s no real challenge for the belt until SummerSlam, so Rollins wins while trying to get the most entertaining match out of a guy as personally interesting as pine sap chewing gum. Bonus points if they can do a more impressive RKO than at WrestleMania. Triple bonus points if this guy walks out as champ.
