WWE Fastlane airs this Sunday night, February 22, live on WWE Network. The first ever Fastlane show is headlined by Daniel Bryan vs. 2015 Royal Rumble winner Roman Reigns, with the winner moving on to face Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania 31. Also, everybody’s driving racecars!
Here’s your official WWE Fastlane 2015 card, as it stands. Drives.
1. Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan
2. United States Championship Match: Rusev (c) vs. John Cena
3. Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) vs. Tyson Kidd and Cesaro
4. Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) vs. Paige
5. Intercontinental Championship Match: Bad News Barrett (c) vs. Dean Ambrose
6. Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan and Ryback vs. Seth Rollins, The Big Show and Kane
7. Goldust vs. Stardust
– Triple H and Sting have a confrontation.
Here are your With Spandex staff predictions. We aren’t going to predict the confrontation, because every person in the world knows it’s, “they talk a lot and then a WrestleMania match happens.”
Goldust vs. Stardust
What Should Happen: We’ve been waiting for the Goldust and Stardust breakup for a while, and it finally happened. We’d hoped it’d lead to a WrestleMania match and it still could, so that’s what I’m saying should happen. I’d put Goldust over here to further enrage Cody, leading to him dropping the makeup and setting up a rematch for Mania. That’s where you put Cody over, and you give them that beautiful moment that was suggested to me where Cody beats the paint off Goldie and finally sees his brother.
What Will Happen: Something short, I fear. The first step of the Cody and Dustin breakup has been planted for ages, and WWE’s got a tendency to skip all the work and jump to the end. If there’s no room on the Mania card and the Dusts would be better served as bodies in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, there’s a chance they’ll drag out step one for two more cycles and pick it back up again AFTER Mania.
I’ll still take Goldie to win. If Stardust is overconfident and yelling in his father’s face about how his family’s dead, giving him a loss to push him further toward the edge is really the only thing that makes sense. If you put Stardust over Goldust here, there’s really nowhere to go. The feud shouldn’t end with Goldust winning. Stardust is the one sticking around for another ten years.
Staff Predictions
Danielle Matheson – How is WWE like a star? It seems to shine brightly, but Vince McMahon’s idea of what modern wrestling should be has been dead for thousands of years. Hahaha, I kid. We all know Vince didn’t become immortal until at least 1996. I say Stardust, because man it’s time they cut that kid a break. I also love him with the intensity of a thousand suns, so…y’know…COSMIC-THEMED BIAS.
Ashley Burns – See, this is why I should tune in more. I had no clue these two had reached the “tag team torn apart” phase. Anyway, I’ll take Stardust for the win.
Jessica Hudnall – Knee-jerk prediction is Stardust wins, but when he gets a celebratory can of soda backstage, his change includes an Olde Weird Coin that means he’ll die in a tiny town in Oklahoma. My actual prediction is Stardust wins and Goldust gets to teach the whippersnappers down in Orlando a thing or two about the ol’ slam-n-pin.
Nate Birch – I’m guessing this is going to continue to Wrestlemania, and that Goldust might start wrapping the ol’ career up after this feud, so hmmm, this is a tough one. There’s nothing really on the line here, so I suppose Cody wins this one, leading up to the gimmick vs. career match at Mania.
David D. – I think Stardust wins here and Goldust puts his career on the line at ‘Mania in a rematch.
Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan and Ryback vs. Seth Rollins, The Big Show and Kane
What Should Happen: WWE Network should play the Team Cena vs. Team Authority Survivor Series match in its entirety and see if anyone notices. That’s how they could justify another Sting appearance on Fastlane without having to pay him.
What Will Happen: Fastlane is oddly light on Authority shenanigans. My heart says Team Authority takes it, but my brain says the Big Show/Kane feud they’re convinced they have to have is more important. That’d leave Seth Rollins all alone to take everyone’s finishes in a row, and for Dolph Ziggler to selfie himself pinning Rollins and accidentally “leak” it.
If Team Cena continues to feud with Team Authority throughout the next cycle I honestly might throw myself off a bridge.
Staff Predictions
Danielle Matheson – Wow. That is….definitely a match that is going to happen. I think this is the point where I’m mad it’s really not car-themed, and nobody is making VROOM VROOM, and Jon Stwewrt isn’t rushing in on his custom Wacky Racer to throw satire and banana peels at Seth Rollins. Man, you can do anything you want, literally anything in this fantastical world of kayfabe and fantasy you’ve helped establish, and we get…Survivor Series? I guess?
Okay. Alright. Here are things that will happen: The Authority crushes the weak team who believe in labour rights or whatever. There are a lot of old man punches. Joey teaches Jamie Noble how to play Magic: The Gathering, because he’s now so fascinated with RPG and fantasy games, Joey promised him that he can learn a new one every time they win. He’s not great with table top RPs at this point, so Joey’s trying to ease him in with a card game before they hit the dice hard. Seth Rollins celebrates, and I wish we had a spinoff sitcom of just J&J Security doing regular people stuff because I want it give it to me.
Ashley Burns – I’ll tell you who won’t win this match – people who like wrestlers with charisma. I’m picking the Rowan team only because I think something will happen between Rollins and Big Show and that will lead to “I already beat The Daily Show so now I’ll beat you!” nonsense.
Jessica Hudnall – Obviously Show is going to turn on the Authority because why wouldn’t he? Kane gets knocked out, leaving poor Seth Rollins all alone to take on Rowan, Ziggler and Ryback. Thanks to noble sacrifices from J & J, Rollins prevails.
Nate Birch – Hey look, the perpetual build to Survivor Series 2 has finally resulted in something. I kind of assumed it never would, since it’s not like Erick Rowan and Ryback’s suffering matters or anything. Speaking of which, look forward to more Rowan, Ryback and Ziggler suffering at Fastlane.
David D. – WWE is really pushing the envelope by booking an angle Memento style. We know how it ends at Survivor Series and sometime in May we’ll see why these guys are fighting in the first place. I guess the good guys win here because Show and Kane start fighting again to promote See No Evil 4 or whatever.
Intercontinental Championship Match: Bad News Barrett (c) vs. Dean Ambrose
What Should Happen: Dean Ambrose should pin Barrett to win the championship and then burn it in a dumpster fire, thereby ending the curse of the Intercontinental Championship forever.
What Will Happen: The same thing, but without the dumpster. This match seems like it’s happening to get Dean Ambrose a little notoriety and set him up to do something of note at WrestleMania, which he at LEAST deserves for half a year losing to exploding TVs and ghost lanterns. Wade Barrett needs to lose the IC title and stay away from it forever, because they make each other look worse.
Staff Predictions
Danielle Matheson – Okay, see, this is where my brain goes BUT NO WHAT IF, and I really have to curb that. It’s also very hard to curb that when a man who lost to an exploding television, and took a subway to Coney Island just to get a hot dog cart just to spray condiments he probably could have found at catering at his former best friend. Like…man, I think I’m all in on Dean Ambrose, just because he makes the wrestling dreams I didn’t even know I had come true.
(I hope the podium comes back but Dean is hiding up top and then he shouts NO I’VE GOT BAD NEWS SWIMMER’S BODY BARRETT and then splashes him from the top GUYS I HAVE NEEDS OKAY)
Ashley Burns – Barrett was on Total Divas this week and that’s practically the gypsy’s curse. He’ll lose to Ambrose, one of his testicles will fall off and his head will shrink down to the size of a tennis ball. You don’t want to lose a nut? Don’t go on Total Divas, bloke.
Jessica Hudnall – My prediction for this match is that David Otunga, representing Wade Barrett, declares that the contract was signed under duress and it cannot continue. Failing that, I’ll take Dean getting distracted by some jangly keys and then eating a Bullhammer for a BNB victory.
Nate Birch – Dean Ambrose will bend over to pick up a nickel and Barrett will miss with his elbow, fall down a manhole with the Intercontinental title and neither will ever be seen again. We’ll all be fine with this.
David D. – Dean Ambrose hasn’t won a singles ppv match since he was with the Shield. I don’t know if that’s true but it feels like it. Clearly he likes losing on TV, which is why he wants the IC title. I think Barrett wins somehow and Ambrose goes on to some other feud.
Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) vs. Tyson Kidd and Cesaro
What Should Happen: I don’t want to sound disinterested in the product, but legitimately couldn’t remember who the tag team champions were when I was typing up the card. I was like, “I know it’s the Usos vs. Kidd and Cesaro, but is it a title match? Is that a thing that can happen?” I had to wikipedia it. I can remember hometowns and billed weights from 40 years ago but I couldn’t remember who had the belts. That’s a bad sign.
As a fan, I want to see Kidd and Cesaro gut the Usos and take the straps. Put them in the ring against a team that can work at WrestleMania and have them blow the figurative roof off the place.
What Will Happen: The Usos retain. They have to, don’t they? I mean, worst case scenario this gets Cesaro into the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal again, which he should win in spectacular fashion. That’d give him a reset button, and we could pretend April 2014-March 2015 never happened. Also, Tyson Kidd literally becomes a cat.
Staff Predictions
Danielle Matheson – I am told this feud is “they have wives…I guess?” I feel like of all the matches on the card, I should want this. And…I don’t want this. Without a really valid reason for them to be going at it, I don’t want Cesaro and Kidd to get tangled up in aimless splashing and face paint. I mean, Cesaro is like letting a someone else use your phone. You understand why they have to use it, but you get edgy and uncomfortable and can’t wait until you get it back. II think they have the capacity for a great match, but I can’t be forced into being interested in something with no motivation. I say The Usos, because we can’t have nice things.
Ashley Burns – Please God, let the Usos win because Nattie screws something up and causes Tyson to hit Cesaro and lose the match or something dumb. Just please let it lead to Nattie making her horrible fake crying face.
Jessica Hudnall – I really want Kidd and Cesaro to win the match and the titles, which would also force Natalya to marry Jey Uso. Also, I really need Kidd and Cesaro to wear each other’s shirts to cement their status as Bestest Friends.
Nate Birch – It’s 2:30 in the morning and I have nothing clever or insightful to say about this Usos match. Cesaro wins because I want Cesaro to win.
David D. – The Usos win because they always win. It’ll be a good match but how many times are we going to see this?
Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) vs. Paige
What Should Happen: It’s Fastlane. Is there a reason we can’t throw the Divas a bone here and let them work a good match? Paige is Paige and Nikki’s been secretly great since the summer, so assuming we’re doing a LOOK AT THE LADIES schmozz at Mania, this should be the Divas division’s “WrestleMania match.” Give it to Paige by submission after like, 15 minutes. Have the Bellas jump her, wheel out AJ Lee for the save and give them a big tag in March.
What Will Happen: None of that, I guess. I figure it’s time for a Bella to be Divas Champion at a WrestleMania and give them that for their decade of service in the field of making Loser Fingers and Saying People Are Jealous. Nikki retains through nefarious means.
Staff Predictions
Danielle Matheson – Nikki retains because I think if they’re building her as a real wrestler it makes sense to make her look strong – not Roman Reigns strong, but strong – but I’ll be damned if I cheer against a fellow pale gal. Whiteass Wally Club 4 LYFE.
Ashley Burns – She’s my girl but Paige isn’t winning this. The Bellas will continue to belittle her for not eating at the most posh restaurants and spray tan her. They’ll mock her for not having a #BRAND or a WWE Champion as a husband or super serious boyfriend. Worst of all, they’ll crush her for not turning binge drinking into a merchandising ploy. Poor Paige, she’s walking right into a steamroller of #BRAND success. WATCH OUT, QUEEN B COMING THROUGHfaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart.
Jessica Hudnall – You know what would be really great? If this match was about two pretty good wrestlers going at it with a title on the line instead of “lol, lookit the pale weirdo”. I’ll go with Nikki to win because her forearm smash is the deadliest move in the history of combat sports.
Nate Birch – Nikki Bella wins (of course). That or Paige comes down with a spray tan and everyone hugs now that the Bellas’ one objection to Paige is gone. Divas division storytelling, everybody.
David D. – Sleeper for match of the night. As much as people are talking about NXT putting pressure on the main roster, the divas are definitely feeling it the most because they don’t get the chance to put on great matches that often. I think Nikki and Paige go out to prove something if they’re given 15 minutes. Nikki wins.
United States Championship Match: Rusev (c) vs. John Cena
What Should Happen: This is going to sound weird, but Cena should go over here. Win the United States Champion, have a vanity month-long reign with it where he wrestles Titus O’Neil or somebody on Raw, then lose it in a rematch at Mania. Cleanly. To The Accolade.
You get the bump of the U.S. Title being held by the show’s most important guy, you validate it by having him keep it for a few weeks and then you shoot it back onto the guy who needs it. In the process, you give him the biggest win of his career on a show people are actually watching.
What Will Happen: The Bray Wyatt arc. Cena wins at Fastlane, Cena wins at WrestleMania, Rusev wins (by cheating) at Extreme Rules when nobody’s watching.
Staff Predictions
Danielle Matheson – So as far as I can tell, Rusev is supposed to be Russia, and John Cena is supposed to be America, And Lana is upposed to be a whore because WWE is still regressive and gross, but John Cena is also a boring old man because Rusev is also supposed to be the internet? And John Cena beating him into unconsciousness is some weird male power fantasy being played out by either Vince or the writers (or Vince)? Like, I’m probably always going to be on the side of the cool foreign heel with nimble feet who doesn’t call his lady friend a bitch, but in this case I am especially on that side. If there’s no weird schmoz to set up John Cena’s *actual* next opponent, I say RUSEV CRUSH (please).
Ashley Burns – I’m so tired of Rusev that I want Cena to win. I don’t ever want Cena to win, so that’s how tired I am of this tired ass Russian retread. TIRED times infinity.
Jessica Hudnall – John Cena is a big, dumb, jerk and hopefully Rusev crushes his puny American skull. I’m not even attempting to make jokes, I want Rusev to handily defeat John Cena in this match.
Nate Birch – Usually I’d say this would end in some sort of non-finish, but it is being put at the top of the card, and I think this show is already going to be rife with non-finishes finishes, so I guess Rusev wins? Except Rusev only has a submission finisher and Cena has that giving up hangup. Maybe Lana will stab Cena with a poison-tipped umbrella? Whatever happens, she’ll be key, as they have to set up a “Lana must stay BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN” match for WrestleMania.
David D. – I think that this match doesn’t happen. Russell attacks Cena before the bell rings and we get a build to WrestleMania where Cena Attitude Adjusts Rusev on the Russian flag onto Lana onto Klondike Bars onto Russell Westbrook. Then we get to laugh at how much of a slut Lana is.
Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan
What Should Happen: A great match. Roman needs that more than anything. He’s capable of it, too, and he’s in the ring with the best guy for the job. And honestly you know what? Roman should win. The guy won the Royal Rumble, he shouldn’t even be in this position. Have him go over Bryan clean (and strong) after a long, exciting match, have Roman gets his preordained duke at WrestleMania and position Bryan as the #1 contender.
What Will Happen: My biggest fear is that this will have a non-finish to set up a triple threat at Mania. That’s the last thing I want. I want Bryan/Lesnar or I want the possible trainwreck of Roman/Lesnar, because that’s the decision they made in January. That’s what makes sense. I just want it to be a story someone decided to tell, not an amalgamated mess that’s trying to please everyone at once.
I’m not sure I can pick “non-finish,” so I’ll say Roman goes up.
Staff Predictions
Danielle Matheson – I know my thing is that I “don’t care” (I don’t), but I think I actually care about this outcome. I know, right? We’re all really happy to have Daniel Bryan back, but his return was unexpected and they need to make him a big wheel at the cracker factory again. Nobody likes Roman Reigns as he is now because he’s this weird floundering little baby guppy trapped in the body of a Dothraki horselord who can’t find his way back to Essos. I guess I’ll say Roman Reigns. If the end game is to make him look strong, the actual best worker is gonna be the one to drag it out of him, kicking and screaming and probably more kicking because USE YOUR LEGS AND NOT YOUR HEAD AND NECK DANIEL PLEASE.
Ashley Burns – I caught the recap of this feud on the beginning of Smackdown and I absolutely hate it. I just don’t like Reigns and, at this point, I don’t think Bryan is going to get the win over him. Maybe they’ll DQ or something and they’ll both face Brock at Wrestlemania, but my gut says Reigns wins.
Jessica Hudnall – I’m really torn here. Part of my brain thinks Bryan will win to placate angry fans. Another part thinks that Roman will win because who cares what us dumb fans want? Ultimately, I’m throwing in with lying, drug-filled man of the people, Chael P. Sonnen and saying that WWE doubles down on Roman Reigns. Roman spears the rubberband out of Daniel’s ponytail and points his way to WrestleMania.
Nate Birch – This one pretty much has to end in a non-finish, as either of these guys not going to the main event at WrestleMania would be a disaster at this point. Maybe Rollins can ruin the match and somehow finagle things so it becomes a four-way? Just keep adding guys to the match until everybody’s happy. Why not?
David D. – Unpopular opinion: I sort of want Roman Reigns to face Lesnar one-on-one at WrestleMania. I don’t want another triple threat match, especially since there’s zero chance it’ll be better than the one at the Rumble. And it’s clear that Reigns is a lock for the match. So let them have a singles match. Here’s what I think will happen and what will destroy the Internet: Sheamus will interfere and cost Bryan the match.
Let us know YOUR predictions for Fastlane in our comments section below.
