WWE SummerSlam 2015, the “biggest party of the summer,” airs live on WWE Network (and on pay-per-view, for what JBL considers a ridiculous price) this Sunday, August 22. The show is a massive, 4-hour affair headlined by a WrestleMania 30 rematch between The Undertaker and Brock Lesnar, as well as a “winner take all” championship match between WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins and the winner, John Cena.
Here’s your complete SummerSlam 2015 card, as we know it:
1. Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker
2. “Winner Takes All” Title vs. Title Match: WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins vs. United States Champion John Cena
3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Ryback (c) vs. The Miz vs. Big Show
4. Tag Team Championship Match: The Prime Time Players (c) vs. Los Matadores vs. Lucha Dragons vs. New Day
5. Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro
6. Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev
7. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper
8. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
9. Stephen Amell and Neville vs. Stardust and King Barrett
10. Team Bella (Nikki Bella, Brie Bella and Alicia Fox) vs. Team PCB (Paige, Charlotte and Becky Lynch) vs. Team B.A.D. (Sasha Banks, Naomi and Tamina)
Our full analysis and predictions are below.
Team Bella (Nikki Bella, Brie Bella and Alicia Fox) vs. Team PCB (Paige, Charlotte and Becky Lynch) vs. Team B.A.D. (Sasha Banks, Naomi and Tamina)
What Should Happen: The only real hitch with the Divas Revolution so far is that we don’t know why they’re doing it. They want WWE fans to have a greater appreciation for women’s wrestling, sure, so the matches have been better, but there hasn’t been any character development. Everybody got slotted into teams and they keep fighting each other, but there isn’t an end goal. They aren’t running a points system or whatever to see who gets a shot at Nikki Bella’s Divas Championship, and they don’t really get anything for winning here. Nikki doesn’t even have to defend the belt, she can just keep farting around in meaningless singles and tag matches and stay champ forever.
What should happen is a last minute stipulation to give this meaning. Maybe say the winning team will get a triple threat match on Raw, with the winner facing Nikki for the title at Night of Champions. If Team Bella wins, Nikki doesn’t have to defend it. Something like that. Just give us a reason to care, beyond, “women should have longer matches.”
What Will Happen: The end game of the Divas Revolution so far seems to be (1) confuse everyone about whether or not the Bellas are heels, and (2) promote Brie Bella at all costs. Despite that, I’m gonna go out on a limb and predict a win for Team B.A.D. They’ve been the least important team in this feud in my eyes, and if Sasha Banks is going to lose the NXT Women’s Championship to Bayley on Saturday (fingers crossed), she can get a win against, say, Brie Bella here to push her forward into Divas Championship contention. She tapped out Nikki on Raw, after all. Nikki/Sasha getting a bad crowd reaction seems like exactly the kind of thing WWE will want to replicate and “fix.” Sorta like how one post-WrestleMania crowd sh*t on Sheamus vs. Randy Orton, so they’ve done Sheamus vs. Randy Orton a billion times in a row.
Anyway, I hope this one’s good. Let’s really get a Divas Revolution going.
Staff Predictions
Chris Trew – In the final moments of the match, there’s one member of each team remaining. Three hooded wrestlers jump the rail and give us a no-contest finish. A fourth trio of “divas” are in the mix now and we’re all like “who the F was that” and then really good and fun women’s wrestling continues!
Austin Heiberg – I’m giving it to PCB, even though I’m disappointed in them for not going back to the drawing board and finding a new name that was even half as awesome as “Submission Sorority.” I mean, really? PATRICIDE SQUAD was right there and you didn’t even touch it.
Jessica Hudnall – I really hope this match gets one of the four scheduled hours and everyone goes “that was an awesome wrestling match” with no gender qualifiers. I’ve been going back and forth in my brain between wanting PCB and BAD to win, which might mean that Team Bella gets the victory. Nah, $A$HA BANK$ will make everyone tap out, and that includes fans in the first three rows. BO$$ LYFE
David D. – This is still elimination, right? Well then the only way to make this make sense is if after 10 minutes, Sasha and Charlotte are the only two people left and they go on to have a 15 minute barn burner to light Barclays on fire. Also, I’m thinking it’s possible that Charlotte turns heel here. Because that’s what a Flair does, and she also laid it on thick with that “we’re a team” stuff on RAW.
Nate Birch – Hopefully they give one of these women an opportunity to stand out individually, or do something to shake up the already-tired, “three teams of three arbitrarily chosen women fighting for nothing” status quo. Have Sasha abandon the sinking Team BAD ship for Team Bella. Take Charlotte’s partners out of the pictures somehow and have her win the match single-handedly. Something. Unfortunately I think what we’ll actually get is a few minutes of competent wrestling, followed by a Team Bella win.
Danielle Matheson – I super don’t care who wins as long as this is the most baller trios match we’ve seen in a long time. They’ve got the pieces, and if you give them the time, these ladies can get it done. Truth be told I’m much more preoccupied with the fate of the NXT women’s title than I am anything else, but I’m also salivating at the idea of Sasha Banks and Alicia Fox throwing hands at each other and showing off what they can do at this time on this stage. Just give me all of the good lady wrestling please and thank you. Winner: PCB (preferably by Charlotte catching the Bellas in some ~shenanigans and destroying them), and also anyone who watches, probably
Stephen Amell and Neville vs. Stardust and King Barrett
What Should Happen: The sleeper match of the night. Neville, Stardust and especially King Barrett are all undercard guys with a huge upside who desperately, desperately need some good will. Stephen Amell is a celebrity, but he’s also a fantastic athlete and a diehard WWE fan who packed the right gear and has been training his ass off.
If I’m booking it, Neville finishes off King Barrett with a Red Arrow, then pulls him into position for a GREEN Arrow from Amell. You know he can pull it off. The guest wins, but only because Neville did the grunt work, and Stardust gets to cackle and flee, and live to fight another day. If Amell sucks, Stardust gets the star rub without having to look bad and they never have to mention it again. If Amell rules, keep the fires burning until the spring and run a singles match at Mania.
What Will Happen: Honestly? I’ve got pretty high hopes for this. I’d love to see Amell put up a great fight and still get beat, which would be a real possibility if Wade Barrett wasn’t on the other team. I’ll take Team Arrow. Bonus points if Stardust gets knocked off the top rope at some point by an invisible force, and we find out later via still photography that The Flash interfered.
Staff Predictions
Chris Trew – Ever since Monday night, Stardust and King Barrett are the first things I think about in the morning. I’m picking them to win in a big way, much like they pinned my heart 1-2-3 in the middle of the ring of my life.
Austin Heiberg – It’s going to be Amell and Neville in a walk, but THEY NEED TO GO FULL STEAM WITH THIS. I want full Green Arrow mode from Amell. Stupid trick arrows and everything. This’ll be the one time this year I get excited for a DC Comics property. (Except for Arkham Knight. Arkham Knight was awesome.)
Jessica Hudnall – Stephen Amell? Wait, so some guy who is on a fake, scripted show about putting on tights and beating dudes up just waltzes into pro wrestling and gets a match on the second biggest event of the year? That’s some straight up horse plops. I’m going with KingDust to win here, unless Amell uses the ring ropes to archery Neville at their opponents.
David D. – Obviously the heroes win. Arrow knocks Stardust out with a boxing glove arrow and pins him. Then Felicity comes to the ring because Sweet Jesus. And Laurel comes to the ring then gets banished to the same place Lana, Ted Mosby and all the other most annoying people on TV ever go forever.
Nate Birch – The Cosmic King is a Superman villain and in the Legion of Super-Villains. He can change the properties of matter at will. Frankly, he’s way out of the Green Arrow’s league, so obviously Team Spaceguys are winning.
Danielle Matheson – Amell and Neville win because this is about as barebones good vs. evil as you can get in wrestling, but my heart is full of stars, and if the Cosmic King and Stardust pull off a win I’ll be OVER THE MOON. Get it? See, I kept saying space stuff because that’s their deal. And they say writing is hard. Pft.
Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
What Should Happen: Me checking Wikipedia in like 20 minutes and going, “oh, Sheamus vs. Randy Orton isn’t happening? Let me go edit that out of the predictions post.”
What Will Happen: The same old sh*t. I couldn’t get excited for Orton vs. Sheamus at this point if they were wrestling in suits of armor and hitting each other with broadswords. I guess this is here and will go on early to make us spend 3 hours wondering if Sheamus will cash in Money in the Bank at the end of the night. If that’s the case, Orton definitely goes over here. It’s the Bret/Owen WrestleMania 10 thing.
Staff Predictions
Chris Trew – Sheamus cashes in his Money in the Bank briefcase before this match starts, because he wants to stand out from the other cash-ins. Rollins never comes out because he’s backstage preparing for Cena. Sheamus is confused. 40 minute time limit draw.
Austin Heiberg – The real winners here will be the food and drink vendors at the Barclays Center, because this is when everyone gets up for a refill.
Jessica Hudnall – I’ll be honest, I haven’t been keeping up with WWE recently. Does this match determine if snakes will be allowed back into Ireland? Part of me thinks Orton will win here to tease an attempted Sheamus cash-in at the end of the night, but that’s super doubtful. If Sheamus leveled up enough to craft some mithril armor, he should be able to win, but Orton is a tricky boss fight at the best of times. Still, I’m backing the Pale Horse Sheamus in this fight.
David D. – Orton wins again. And at the end of this match, I go take out the trash because I forget that it’s not actually Monday night. Sheamus loses so he can cash in later in the night.
Nate Birch – Obviously Orton is winning this one, because beating Money in the Bank winners and then weaseling his way into #1 contendership once they cash in is, like, the one strategic Randy knows how to do.
Danielle Matheson – I am very excited to take this opportunity to see what scattered vegan sides I can assemble into a meal during this match. Uhhh…let’s say Sheamus wins after a long, drawn out match of trading submissions because there might be line-ups on the concourse.
Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper
What Should Happen: Somebody’s turning, and/or a third party is showing up to make it interesting. In my mind, you turn Dean Ambrose and have him be “brothers” with Bray Wyatt, because he’s a lonely drifter who has only ever had one real friend, and it’s this entitled, arrogant Samoan dude who defines “brotherhood” by his friends knowing he wants his water room temperature. Who is he, Richie Rich?
Ambrose as a heel is the way to go. It’d explain the deluge of Ambrose shirts on WWE Shop, at least. “Gotta unload these before SummerSlam. RELEASE ALL THE DESIGNS, ALL AT ONCE.” The days of Ambrose as a shuffly, sketchy idiot who can’t win matches because he’s spooked by a ghost lantern and doesn’t know how to unplug a television set are over. If you want Roman to be the New Rock, he’s gotta have a true rival. Seth Rollins has better things to do, but Ambrose can be that guy. It gives Reigns potentially great matches, some Fast & Furious-style emotional turmoil and a focus that isn’t “Royal Rumble victories” and “WrestleMania main events.”
What Will Happen: Sting, maybe?
I think the Wyatts will win, and I honestly think we’ll see a turn. Part of me thinks they’re gonna swerve us and have Roman join up with the Wyatts, since they have magical daughter kidnapping powers or whatever, and the obviousness of heel Ambrose was just a red herring. Part of me is super stupid, because they’re not doing that. Let’s say Ambrose turns, the Wyatts win, a massive beatdown ensues and Sting, kingsh*t hater of heel faction beatdowns, makes the save.
Staff Predictions
Chris Trew – Erick Rowan returns, interferes in the match, turns on the Wyatt family, and puts on a black SWAT-team vest in the worst idea I’ve ever had in my entire life.
Austin Heiberg – Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns in their Shield Reunion Tour reminds me of when Queen got back together with Adam Lambert on vocals. I’m saying they needn’t have bothered. But in any case, I think they’ll win here.
Jessica Hudnall – Seriously, ZZ from Tough Enough needs to walk out, look Bray straight in the eyes and tearfully ask “Pappy, why you hurtin’ these folks?” I know that won’t happen, which is disappointing, but so is being a fan of wrestling in general a lot of the time. I’m taking the Wyatts to win the bout, which I will be calling “Nothing Gold Can Stay: The Match” in my head.
David D. – People are expecting some sort of major turn here. I think WWE plays it safe and the Shield just up and win. Though the idea of Ambrose turning on Reigns opens things up for a nice feud that can lead to a Shield triple threat at WrestleMania if they go that route.
Nate Birch – Man, it’s kind of sad how indifferent I am about this one. Maybe the Shield vs. Wyatt’s magic only works if there’s three guys on each team. I feel like this isn’t over yet, so Bray’s team wins, likely thanks to a returning Erick Rowan or some new third member.
Danielle Matheson – I think people are looking at this match as a really terrible, watered-down version of that baller Shield-Wyatt Family match, and I can see that. I kinda just want this match to mostly be Ambrose and Harper going HAM on one another, and then also ride off into the sunset together in a convertible. Does Demi Lovato have a song about greaseball dudes, or is this the song of their sweet seasonal love? Uhhh….also Ambrose/Reigns for the win.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev
What Should Happen: The ends well if it goes one of two ways:
1. Rusev crushes Ziggler’s windpipe again and puts him on the shelf indefinitely, aka “until he learns how to properly spray-tan.”
2. Ziggler realizes that Lana’s still hung up on her ex and dumps her. Maybe then he hits on Hot Summer, who totally sells out Rusev. That’d position Ziggler and Summer as dread heels and interpersonal creeps, and lets Lana and Rusev pick up the pieces, decide to work together again for the greater good and realize that if they can never be lovers again, maybe they can be friends. Rusev’s not moving back to Russia, though, f*ck that.
What Will Happen: Lana pulls out some more capoeira breakdance strikes to prevent Summer from interfering, and Ziggler scores a win. The only sure thing for SummerSlam in my head is the image of Dolph and Lana making out on the ramp under a giant USA flag while Rusev kneels in the ring, screaming.
Staff Predictions
Chris Trew – I wish this was a humongous flag from the ceiling match that saw each wrestler attempting to climb to the top of their respective flags. It’s not, though, it’s just a regular non-flag-climber match. Rusev goes over clean, but I won’t be satisfied until he ascends the flag.
Austin Heiberg – Um… Ziggler, I guess? The whole Dueling Girlfriends storyline is weird and uncomfortable and I haven’t been paying attention, but Ziggler seems like the reasonable choice.
Jessica Hudnall – I kind of want Ziggler to win by DQ after Rusev slaps the hell out of him with a fish. Yeah, I know, Rusev could just as easily win with the Accolade and then fish-slap Dolph, but that doesn’t seem as dismissive of Dolph. My brain is saying “dolph will win, you galoot”, but nuts to that, I want to see Rusev crush.
David D. – I hope Rusev stomps Ziggler into the ground. Then he and Summer Rae make Hating Ass Lana watch them have sex on top of Ziggler’s unconscious body. I’ve said it before but this feels like a breakup where one person in the couple turns into a horrible person and you have no clue how it happened. Rusev is getting the friends from this divorce and Lana just needs to move out of town and find someone on Black Planet.
Nate Birch – The only acceptable finish for this match is Rusev and Summer Rae stereo superkicking Dolph and Lana into a flaming dumpster. After Rusev and Hot Summer win, they can then reveal a new Bulgarian flag featuring both their faces like an old Tom and Jerry title card.
Danielle Matheson – Double DQ when Summer Rae and Lana decide that both of these dudes are wangsty losers who are both weird and gross and terrible in their own right and then ride off into the Brooklyn sunset in a red convertible blaring Cool for the Summer to have fun lady adventures without telling their respective mothers.
Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro
What Should Happen: The not-so-sleeper match of the night. Let both guys pretend they’re hungry as sh*t and wrestling in a Pennsylvania armory in 2008. This is one of those matches where I don’t want to predict a finish, because both guys need the win. Cesaro is starting to salvage that heat he lost when he became a Paul Heyman Guy and got forgotten for a year and a half. Kevin Owens started off so well on the main roster, but lost to Cena too handily and has been struggling ever since. He’s “just another guy,” which is the last thing you want to be when you already kinda look like just another guy. You have to be SPECIAL. Owens was that, and now he isn’t. That’s not to say he can’t be it again, and quickly, but he can’t do it and constantly lose matches.
What Will Happen: I’ve gotta give it to Cesaro. I’m predicting Finn Bálor to retain in the NXT Championship ladder match on Saturday, so the story can be that Owens is far from 100%, and you have to be 100% to hang with Tony. All I’m asking is that you don’t have Owens go through hell on Saturday and show up on Sunday like nothing happened. Use that to your advantage. Tape up those ribs, then have Cesaro Karelin lift him until he can’t move.
Staff Predictions
Chris Trew – Neither one of these guys belong in a WWE ring. They lack talent and the WWE Universe just isn’t into either of them. They are destined to be failures and the worst part of every show. That said, they will tear down the house in the match of the night with Kevin Owens going over clean.
Austin Heiberg – MATCH OF THE NIGHT ALERT. In a fair world, they’d both win on the basis of their contributions to pro wrestling. I have to believe that this is essentially a #1 contender’s match to groom an opponent for whoever wins the Title For Title match, so I’m going to have to go with Owens.
Jessica Hudnall – My prediction? I clap my hands a lot with eyes as big as dinner plates. As for the actual outcome, I’ll go with Cesaro, on the basis that Owens should be at least a little tuckered out from fighting Finn Balor with ladders the night before. Also, Cesaro is Swiss, which is where the Toblerone comes from, and that’s got a bear in the logo, so he should know how to deal with the Quebec Kodiak (Reaaaaally trying to make that stick)
David D. – Kevin Owens has been riding a nice little losing streak since beating Cena so I imagine he wins here. If he doesn’t then we know the jig is up and Kevin Dunn has gotten his way. Then on RAW, they put Owens in a thong and have him grease himself up to piss off Jim Ross. Why? Because he’s fat, remember?
Nate Birch – Probably the hardest match to call on the card. Both guys are pretty much at the exact same level, and stand to gain or lose the same amount here. If Owens wins the NXT title on Saturday, he’s going to lose here, but if he doesn’t it’s pretty much a toss-up. I do kind of think Owens will win at NXT Takeover: Brooklyn, so I’ll go with Cesaro by a very narrow margin in this match.
Danielle Matheson – Oh man this is a long card. Does this feel like a crazy long card to anyone else? Anyways, Cesaro is the best one and I want him to have nice things all the time forever, which means he’ll probably lose this.
Tag Team Championship Match: The Prime Time Players (c) vs. Los Matadores vs. Lucha Dragons vs. New Day
What Should Happen: The Prime Time Players are great, but The New Day has been transcendent. Maybe they don’t need the tag team titles, but they should have them anyway. New Day should win, but only after a pre-match attack takes out Los Matadores, and Enzo Amore & Colin Cassady get subbed in. I just want to see how many exclamation points I’d type about it.
What Will Happen: The Prime Time Players retain. I’m almost always wrong about tag title matches, but all I can see in my brain is Xavier Woods trying to interfere, El Torito stopping him again and Titus O’Neil using a super-overpowered hot tag rush to win. If Titus spinebusters both Matadores at once, I wouldn’t be surprised.
This should be good, though. So much of this show could be good, but it could also be sacrificed on the altar of bad booking decisions. Every match on the show has a totally viable stupid ending, right?
Staff Predictions
Chris Trew – Holding out for R-Truth to come out and think he’s in the match. If that happens, I really don’t care who wins and neither should you. If it doesn’t happen. Prime Time Players or bust.
Austin Heiberg – I like that anything (except a Los Matadores win) could happen here. I was going to pick PTP, but then I realized that a New Day win probably keeps the rivalry going longer, which is exactly what I want. So yeah, New Day all the way.
Jessica Hudnall – While I wholeheartedly agree that New! Day Rocks!, my dude Ovince St. Preux lost recently, and the Que Dogs really need Titus O’Neil to step up and represent Omega Psi Phi in a championship capacity. PTP retains and everyone in the whole dang arena does the Millions of Dollars shimmy.
David D. – I really want New Day to win. They make the titles matter more than anyone else and they’re the hottest thing going. (LIKE I SAID THEY WOULD BE A YEAR AGO). I just hope this means HULU starts showing their damn segments.
Nate Birch – I keep predicting The New Day will get the belts back, and every month the Power of Positivity fails me. That said, considering how easily beatable a lot of the guys in this match are, I think New Day has a better chance than ever of pulling this off. Hopefully this starts with the Prime Time Players, New Day and Lucha Dragons all hitting their finishers on Los Matadores, then fighting like hungry lions over their easily pinnable corpses for the rest of the match.
Danielle Matheson – How many times do I have to keep typing NEW DAY before they get their dang belts back?
Intercontinental Championship Match: Ryback (c) vs. The Miz vs. Big Show
What Should Happen: This finally happens after months of build, and WWE stops trying to make fetch happen. You’ve got to give it to The Miz, preferably after help from a very, very, very, very, very sorry Damien Mizdow. I’m gonna keep fantasy booking Mizdow into my prediction posts until WWE gives him back to us.
What Will Happen: The Big Show’s been teasing retirement and extended hiatus a lot recently, so I’ll pick him for the surprise win. Yes, I know he isn’t actually winning. On paper, though, Show should absolutely wreck these jokers. Ryback is so in shape that he can’t stop getting injured, and I’d believe you if you told me WWE booked a wooden chair to go over Miz. Show’s got a movie, has been a reliable enough hand for years, and if you’re gonna write him out as a regular competitor, he at least deserves a send-off at a WrestleMania. The Intercontinental Championship could get him there, and it’s not like he can make it look worse.
Staff Predictions
Chris Trew – Wouldn’t it be crazy if Ryback could pick up The Big Show? I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. Anyway, if The Big Guy could pick up The Big Show that would get The Biggest Reaction from the WWE Universe.
Austin Heiberg – I can only assume that ownership of the Intercontinental Championship is determined by a roll of dice, so to honor that, I went to random.org and simulated one dice roll. I’m happy to announce that The Miz will be your new IC champion! Praise be to Chaos, the one true god!
Jessica Hudnall – The Big Guy versus The Miz Guy versus The Even Bigger Buy! Since the IC belt kind of feels like an accessory, I want Miz to win it since I think he needs something to compliment his giant scarf (He did steal that from Big Show, right?).
David D. – Ryback? This feud dates back to Crockett Promotions I think because it just won’t end. Can Ryback just win so we can move on?
Nate Birch – I’m hoping Big Show slips on a banana peel minutes before this match, and it’s pushed forward yet again. I’d be okay predicting this match every month for the next year, so long as I don’t have to actually watch it. This month I’ll randomly pick Big Show.
Danielle Matheson – Maybe I’m on a hot streak of optimism, or I’m delirious from exhaustion and only eating a some (most) of a fruit plate at the WWE 2K16 event I was at last night, but I’m weirdly into this match? It shouldn’t exist in any universe, but Ryback is my mom’s favourite non-EC3 wrestler (and my pick to retain I guess), and The Miz and Big Show have great enough timing that this could be an actual fun comedy match. It could also be the drizzling shits, but I have hope. …do you think WWE snuck something into the food?
“Winner Takes All” Title vs. Title Match: WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins vs. United States Champion John Cena
What Should Happen: Oh man, what do you even say about this? This is the major match of the night in danger of a bad finish. Seth Rollins has been a magnet for those lately. His matches just end without him doing anything, like he’s a bystander to his own title reign. John Cena is THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON WHO HAS EVER LIVED, and every match he’s in turns into a stressful conversation about how to correctly be a wrestling fan. Sheamus has the Money in the Bank contract, and if Rollins/Cena doesn’t go on last, there’s like a billion percent chance we’ll see him. They aren’t gonna send us home with Sheamus, right? “Sorry about the Sheamus thing we just did, he’s got a movie coming out. Anyway, forget about it for now, here’s Undertaker. Yay, you like Undertaker!”
What Will Happen: As horrible as “WWE World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus” feels right now, there could be a fun side story to tell. What if John Cena’s spent all this time building up the United States Championship as this icon of all that’s good in WWE, only for Seth Rollins to be the one to beat him for it? And then, what if Sheamus cashes in Money in the Bank and steals the WWE World Heavyweight Championship from Rollins? That’d leave poor sh*thead Seth by his lonesome as United States Champion, and he could start defending it every week and building himself up as a legitimate competitor who isn’t a chicken and doesn’t need help? What if Cena’s gracious act leads to Rollins learning the error of his ways, and becoming a beloved championship face? What if the United States Championship is the antithesis of the Intercontinental, and it embiggens whomever wears it? That could be fun.
Or, you know, Cena could win both championships and pin Sheamus when he tries to cash in. Don’t tell me you can’t see it happening.
Staff Predictions
Chris Trew – Seth Rollins beats John Cena so badly that it erases the archives containing Cena’s 14th and 15th title win, knocking him down to 13. He stays at unlucky 13 for the rest of his life and Rollins gets his statue, insisting that it’s larger than all the other statues – Ultimate Warrior, Andre the Giant, and Koko B. Ware.
Austin Heiberg – When the chips are down, one man rises to the occasion when everyone else sits. One superstar and one superstar alone possess the fortitude to drown out all the noise and reduce turbulent waters to a pristine lake of status quo. There’s really only one man who could ever realistically win this match.
Jessica Hudnall – There’s gotta be some sort of screwiness where Triple H gets scared that Cena’s going to win and or that Rollins can’t get it done, so Papa H gets involved, right? Or maybe Super Saiyan Brad Maddox descends from the heavens to obliterate John on the Authority’s behalf. While that last one is easily the most plausible, I think that Rollins just wins straight up and does a merry jig over Cena’s body. Shattered nose optional.
David D. – This match isn’t ending the show, so there can be some trickery here with the ending. I wonder if Sheamus shows up to make it a triple threat at some point and he eats the pin. So Rollins retains and Cena maybe keeps the US Title that way? Is that how the rules work? It’s hard to tell. In the end, I think Rollins keeps his belt somehow.
Nate Birch – Eh, the time just doesn’t feel right for John Cena’s big 16th World Championship. The more pressing matter right now is extracting Cena from the US Title scene, and the World Champion winning the title via skulduggery allows Cena to exit gracefully without having to lose to peons like Cesaro and Kevin Owens.
Danielle Matheson – How great would Seth Rollins look with two title belts? He does crossfit. He can carry them. Let’s do that.
Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker
What Should Happen: Brock throws a belly-to-belly suplex like 30 seconds into the match, Taker’s eyes cross again and every living person in the WWE Universe, employee or otherwise, goes OH NO, NOT AGAIN.
What Will Happen: There’s no way this has a clean finish, either way. You can’t just put Old Man Taker over Brock after Brock beat him at the top of his game in one of the biggest matches on one of the biggest shows of all time. You also can’t have Brock take Taker to Suplex City like he did Cena, both because you want to preserve SOMETHING of the Undertaker’s legacy, and also Taker’s body probably can’t take it. So what do you do? You book it to death.
Kane’s an obvious choice. Brock broke his leg (after a beautiful Hawaiian vacation, even) so he’s got a reason for revenge. Paul Heyman didn’t namedrop the Undertaker in a promo against Kane a couple of months ago for nothing. You’ve also got the possibility of Sting, because Sting showing up and saying “sup, Undertaker” would make 99.9% of wrestling fans not give a sh*t about an otherwise screwy finish. It’s great to know that we can’t predict an obvious conclusion, and that whatever they do will have to really matter.
Staff Predictions
Chris Trew – A one-on-one match here is cool, I guess, but why not a Lumberjack Match with all the fans from Wrestlemania 30 who will now live forever in “shock face” recap videos surrounding the ring? I want to see Brock toss Mean Mark over the top rope and then that dentist with the thin glasses, small hat, and pullover just stands there with his hands on top of his head.
Austin Heiberg – Taker getting his win back is probably the cleanest way to send Brock back to South Dakota where he can murder varmints in peace, so I’ve got the Deadman here.
Jessica Hudnall – BORK has a good track record against grandpas. He beat Randy Couture to win the UFC heavyweight title, and as we all know (Well, those of us that weren’t blackout drunk in a New Orleans hospital *cough* don’t know who on earth that could be *cough*), he conquered Taker’s undie-feated streak at Wrestling Mania. Logic dictates that Taker doesn’t need this win, but when the heck has logic ever dictated how things happen in wrestling? That being said, Undie has finally shown some intelligence now that he’s using the greatest move in combat sports history, the dick kick. I just don’t think that’s enough to win, since Brock is a low-level Hulk at all times, and dick kicks are just going to ratchet up his anger. BORK by extreme LAZOR-ing.
David D. – Man, I don’t know. I feel like this should end with a Sting run-in but that’d be too many unresolved endings to PPVs in a row. Neither guy can really afford to lose, but that’s sort of how sports works. Sometimes two teams you want to win end up playing against each other and someone loses. I think Brock wins and takes some time off and returns to be a surprise entrant into the Royal Rumble.
Nate Birch – This is going to be an interesting one. Since SummerSlam 2014, Brock’s gimmick has been dumping his opponents on their heads a dozen-plus times per match, but I don’t know if Undertaker can take that. He certainly can’t if WWE wants him back for WrestleMania. So what’s this match going to be? Matt wrestling? A 20-minute lockup? I dunno, but Undertaker is winning. Brock winning doesn’t advance anything – Taker’s career is pretty much over, and Brock just shrugs and trundles back to Minnesota. On the other hand, Taker winning kicks off the Undertaker Retirement Tour, and if Brock’s loss comes via interference (by, say, The Rock) that sets up a big Royal Rumble/WrestleMania match. Undertaker doesn’t get back in the ring for nothing, and him losing at SummerSlam would be kind of a big nothing.
Danielle Matheson – I don’t think any of us really saw this being the big match up at SummerSlam, but if it means Seth Rollins gets to keep his arms attached to his body for another PPV cycle, I’m into it. I’m trying to figure out who I want to win, and I guess the answer’s Brock. I’m not sure an Undie win as revenge for breaking the streak quite means as much in this context. It may not result in great matches, but I’m okay with Undie trying and failing then leaving and trying again until he finds the summon materia for Bahamut on a fun run to finally defeat Lesnar so he can rest in peace or whatever. As silly as his career has realistically been at times, like anyone I want the mythos of the Undertaker to be the important thing, and the thing WWE tried to protect. I think Brock winning and telling a long-term story is the way to do that.
