A cat has gotta make some scratch, you know? Comedy grows stale, audiences move on, and if a funny man doesn’t play his cards right, all he’ll be left with at the end of his career is his reputation and dignity. At a certain point, box-office success and massive wealth are far more important. Dignity never bought an $8 million mansion, you know?
And that’s why the best thing a comedian can do for his career is stop trying to please adults and go to work on their kids. Their comedy threshold is much lower, their tickets are worth twice as much (because they bring along their parents), and it takes a lot less effort. Win, win, win. All you need is a high concept, a hack director-for-hire, and the ability to feel no shame. Beyond a certain point, that’s the key to career longevity: Stop caring, stop trying, and just cash the damn checks.
It works, too. One may presume that formerly respected funny men take family films as a last resort. Not true! These lame, high-concept family films actually attract a lot of talent, and competition for the scripts — usually among the same five or six men — is fierce. They want to sell out! A $100 million movie is far more important than the respect of others! And once they get a taste of success with no effort, they want to return again and again. Can you blame them? Dignity is so overrated.
With all of that said, we here at UPROXX feel that we should commemorate their success, but we can’t give them $20 million checks, $1 million trailers, or hookers that can fry an egg on their ass. However, we can give them the next best thing: we can enter them into The Movie Dad Hall of Shame.
Congratulations, men — you get paid for sucking. HARD.
10. Jack Black
The Hardcore Years: High Fideliy, Tenacious D
Moment He Became a Lame Father: Nacho Libre
Moment When He Lost His Dignity: Gulliver’s Travels
9. Jason Lee
The Hardcore Years: Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Almost Famous, Vanilla Sky
Moment He Became a Lame Father: Alvin and the Chipmunks
Moment When He Lost His Dignity: Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
8. Ice Cube
The Hardcore Years: Straight Outta Compton, Friday, Boyz n the Hood, Barbershop
Moment He Became a Lame Father: Are We There Yet?
Moment When He Lost His Dignity: Are We Done Yet?
7. Ben Stiller
The Hardcore Years: There’s Something About Mary, Mystery Men, Zero Effect, Your Friends and Neighbors
Moment He Became a Lame Father: Meet the Fockers
Moment When He Lost His Dignity: Night at the Museum
6. Mike Myers
The Hardcore Years: “Saturday Night Live,’ Wayne’s World, So I Married an Axe Murderer, Austin Powers
Moment He Became a Lame Father: Shrek
Moment When He Lost His Dignity: Dr. Suess’ Cat in the Hat
5. Adam Sandler
The Hardcore Years: “Saturday Night Live,’ Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer, Punch Drunk Love
Moment He Became a Lame Father: Click
Moment When He Lost His Dignity: Bedtime Stories
4. Steve Martin
The Hardcore Years: The Jerk, Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, L.A. Story
Moment He Became a Lame Father: Father of the Bride Part II
Moment When He Lost His Dignity: Cheaper by the Dozen
3. Jim Carrey
The Hardcore Years: Ace Ventura, Cable Guy, Man on the Moon, The Truman Show
Moment He Became a Lame Father: How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Moment When He Lost His Dignity: Mr. Popper’s Penguins
2. Eddie Murphy
The Hardcore Years: Raw, Beverly Hills Cops, 48 Hours, Trading Places
Moment He Became a Lame Father: The Nutty Professor
Moment When He Lost His Dignity: Daddy Day Care
The Moment He Just Gave Up:Norbit
1. Robin Williams
The Hardcore Years: “Mork and Mindy,” Good Morning Veitnam, Awakenings, The Fisher King
Moment He Became a Lame Father: Mrs. Doubtfire
Moment When He Lost His Dignity: Flubber
The Moment He Just Gave Up: Patch Adams
