There are only a handful of entities in world history that can be considered true renaissance men and jacks-of-all-trades able to accomplish many mind-boggling feats in one lifetime: Leonardo Da Vinci, Benjamin Franklin and Tiger Woods’ loins all come to mind.
But they all pale in comparison to the brilliant multi-faceted career of one Shaquille O’Neal aka The Big Aristotle aka The Little Precious. He’s got four NBA titles, a stellar acting career and a video game franchise that could bring Capcom to its knees.
But all of these accomplishments, nothing compares to his slept-on days as a ferocious, not-at-all-retarded-sounding rapper. Hell, some would argue that he was even better than his contemporaries, Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson and Chris Webber- who all had stellar careers of their own. To prove my point about the greatness of Shaq The MC, I present to you five facts about his rap career that you probably didn’t know.
1. Shaq’s First Album Went Platinum
Platinum. Of course, this is before George Bush and those Republican commies ruined our economy and the music industry and my will to love (*sticks Obama pendant directly on flesh*), so platinum was much easier to come by in the early-90’s. Still, a million people bought his album. Which means there are a million people looking at their bank accounts and saying “If I just hadn’t spent that $14 on Shaq Diesel back in ’93, I’d have enough cash to by that blowy my lonely a** has to pay for.”
2. Shaq’s Recorded With Michael Jackson
You’re not a fan of Shaq’s music? F*ck you. Michael Jackson likes him. And Michael Jackson’s life is worth 7,000 you’s and three Farrah Fawcetts, so unless you have Farrah’s DNA in your condom drawer, I suggest you bow down and praise the Shaqticles.
When Michael Jackson was feeling berated and angry at the media, he developed an edge and launched back with his History album. Who better to bring home MiJack’s new badassness than Shaq? An excerpt from Shaq’s verse:
“Reality brings forth realism”- Indeed. Other lines he considered from that verse includes: “imagining brings forth imagination,” “faking brings forth fakery” and “just die now, English language.” But something had to rhyme with twism. Duh.
“Grab my croth, twist my knee, then I’m through”- This is why you have to always stretch before you grab your crotch. Last time I grabbed my crotch, I pulled my hamstring. The time before that, I was tasered by the park rangers. In conclusion, no I don’t know what the f*ck he’s talking about.
3. Shaq Has A Best-Of Album
If there ever was an argument against unpaid interns, it’s the fact that there was some kid that had to listen to every Shaq rap song and come up with a “Best-of” compilation. Coming up with Shaq’s greatest hits is like trying to decide the most pleasurable time you got kicked in the yam pouch.
And it’s 12 songs! The album should only be three songs long:
1. Shaq says “Can You Dig It?!”
2. Shaq says “Can You Dig It?!” Radio Edit
3. Shaq says “Can You Dig It?!” Techno Ke$ha blend
4. Shaq Has Had Jay-Z And Biggie On His Albums
Everybody has a f*ck they regret. Jigga and Biggie probably regret the musical f*ck known as You Can’t Stop The Reign. Bobby Brown also had two songs on the album. So it’s like that regretful f*ck you had with a crack whore.
Do you know how many albums have both Notorious B.I.G. and Jay-Z on them? Not a lot.
How many of them smell like suck? One. Take your time figuring out which one.
5. Shaq Wants Kobe Bryant’s Feedback On The Taste Of His Ass
Like all great lyricists, Shaq had to test his meddle on the mean streets as a freestyler. On one fateful night, a probably inebriated Shaq took the stage and freestyled the immortal words: “Kobe, tell me how my ass taste.” It was like a gay porn 8-Mile parody. When asked for a response, Kobe just screamed “I thought Colorado was behind me!” and wept into Phil Jackson’s memory foam stomach.