A lot of you squirts are probably too young to remember those heady days back in aught eight or aught nine when it seemed like every sumbitch with a piece of cardboard and a couple of plastic gamepieces was getting bought for the movie rights. But then ‘Battleship‘ crashed and burned and ‘Stretch Armstrong‘ fell into development hell and we were likely spared countless once-promising board game movies, from Adam Sandler’s ‘Candyland‘ to others too painful to remember.
And yet, there’s ‘Ouija,’ out there knowing it’s a joke, an anachronism, a relic of a rightly-forgotten time, still tilting at windmills and wearing a KFC bucket for a helmet. The project, once slated to be directed by McG, ended up with Stiles White in the director’s chair and a bunch of wiener kids I don’t feel like looking up starring. It just had its first trailer released via the Facebook page of ‘Pretty Little Liars.’ (Yeah, I dunno either, dudes).
Here it is:
Just in case you’re not sold on the premise of a board game, it has all the shitty tropes you remember and are bored by from every other middling horror movie!
- A haunted house!
- Jump scares!
- The dangling feet of the recently strangled!
- The sound of a little kid crying somewhere!
- A creepy old sage who gives advice!
Phew, you know, at first I was worried it was going to be too much like a board game, but now that I know that it will probably be like every other crappy horror film I don’t watch I’m feeling relieved. Well done, Hasbro, well done. Game recognize games, I suppose.