Worst: So How Are You Guys Liking These Video Packages
Eventually we’re gonna come back around to closed circuit television, and 14,000 people will buy tickets to Raw to sit in stadium seating and watch videos about how cool WWE Superstars are on the big screen. WWE’s new YouTube channel is evidence of that, and I’m not just bitching about it because they took all the clips off WWE Fan Nation to have Dolph Ziggler read Bob Saget’s jokes over skateboard fails. People come to shows not to see wrestling but to see wrestlers, and if they can ever get away with it, WWE will start giving us what we want.
Granted, I love this Cena video. It’s not quite as good as his DMX gospel entrance from Wrestlemania last year, but it gets across the same idea — that John Cena is a caring, loyal guy who loves you and you hate him because you’re jaded and helping nobody and can’t think outside the 20 x 20 box they’ve given you.
It’s important to compare and contrast this video to The Rock’s, which is mostly about how he does nothing to help (he flies around filming movies, shooting guns, smiling on talk shows and waving from plane decks) and is beloved for it, because he did what Cena did when wrestling was popular. Wrestling fans can’t let go of the past, and they’d rather live in the movie reality of a thing they remember than the living reality of a thing they can’t accept. It’s interesting and socially compelling, at least moreso than Rock saying “Cena sucks dick” on Twitter every two weeks.
That being said, they should stop cramming these things into the shows. Seriously, save them for just before the match is happening on pay-per-view, then make a VH1-esque block of them every morning between 6 AM and 8 AM on WWE Network. That Shawn Michaels/Undertaker Placebo video is your “Thriller”, start there.
Best: Tebowing Is Now Officially Otunga-ing
David Otunga asked us to pray for Executive Vice President Of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Raw John Laurinaitis, and his prayer took the form of Tim Tebow’s pre-everything “Tebowing” pose. I’m not sure if I’m shocked by how funny it was, or how WWE was only a few months behind on a culture trend instead of a flat decade.
Regardless, this is officially the moment when you say, “David Otunga is awesome” to your friends. He’s still a thick slice of moldy ass in the ring, but he’s no worse than the Masons Ryan or Jinders Mahal, and that A-list “Google Me” personality he showed in the first episode of NXT and forgot for a year and a half is officially back.
Right now, the only two people on the official David Otunga bandwagon are myself and the proprietress of #otungaswag, Anarchy Championship Wrestling’s queen of argyle and thumbtacked Gory Bombs, Rachel Summerlyn:
So are you gonna be one of the cool kids, or what?
Worst: Does Sheamus Ever Show Up With Something Scheduled
This was discussed a bit in the comments section of last night’s open thread, but does Sheamus ever show up to Raw with a match scheduled anymore? Dude is like an Indiana Jones booby trap, you make one false move and the room starts shaking and Sheamus rolls down the ramp to crush you. I sincerely hope that he fails to schedule a championship match at Wrestlemania because he assumed Daniel Bryan would get intentionally counted out or whatever and Teddy Long would HOLD ON A MINNET PLAYA him into it.
Also, doesn’t it defeat the purpose of all those contract signings they have when an authority figure who got relieved of his duties as general manager of Raw can still make matches on the fly for Raw and you’re forced to be in them?
Worst: Chris Jericho’s Mirror Chest
Forget the bulbs on his jacket, the greatest source of light emanating from Jericho’s body is the reflection from the half-barrel of f**king baby oil he soaked himself in before his nightly hallway-walk. If you look at his chest long enough you get transported to the Light World. After he’s done beating CM Punk for infringing on “Best In The World” he should start some sh*t with Michael Nakazawa.