WWE Survivor Series 2012 Predictions, Jorts Jokes And Open Discussion Thread

By: 11.18.12  •  3,215 Comments

Brandon Stroud’s Survivor Series 2012 Prediction-o-rama

Pre-show Match: Justin Gabriel & Tyson Kidd vs. Two Members Of 3MB (Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre)

Drew McIntyre has been handling some really sad off-screen stuff lately, so I’m guessing the two members wrestling will be Slater and Jinder. Slinder. I’m happy this month’s pre-show has a potentially good tag team match on it, and isn’t another 30 minutes of John Cena going to Planned Parenthood to help AJ fill out the paperwork, or whatever.

My Prediction: Gabriel and Kidd are great, but 3MB has just started being a thing, and there’s no reason to derail their hypothetical momentum by having them lose. 3MB are guys who should beat everyone until they get to Team Hell No and get murdered. The modern day Big Johns Studd of the tag team division.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: The Big Show (c) vs. Sheamus

This one could go either way. In my brain, I’d like for Show to remain strong after his totally clean win over Sheamus at Hell In A Cell. Show’s got a lot of complexity when he’s asked to show it, and a title run does a lot toward giving him those opportunities. At the same time, Sheamus seems to have fallen into the John Cena Main-Eventer Trap (at least since SummerSlam) where if he’s not holding or chasing the WWE Championship, they don’t know what to do with him. That’s what he exists to do. If Show beats him again here, what’s he going to do? Get into a mid-card feud with Alberto Del Rio, the guy he beat at 66 consecutive pay-per-view events?

My Prediction: I think Sheamus takes the win here. The last Show/Sheamus match was off the hook, so if they have Sheamus take back the World Heavyweight Championship in a similar match here, they can set up a rubber match with ladders and plunder at TLC in December. I would enjoy a Show/Sheamus TLC match where they just punch and Brogue Kick objects into pieces for 20 minutes.

Triple Threat Match For The WWE Championship: CM Punk (c) vs. John Cena vs. Ryback

John Cena.

My Prediction: John Cena

Sigh. But no, really, I argued that WWE knew it couldn’t do a triple threat between these three at Hell In A Cell because they’d just done one at SummerSlam with Punk, Cena and Big Show, but here we are three weeks later and they’re doing a triple threat. This is one of those matches were you can come up with 30 or 40 viable scenarios, at least 5 involving Brad Maddox running down to count a shifty three after a ref bump and 10 or so involving Brock Lesnar showing up and snapping arms, but none of them will happen, and we’ll just get the same CM PUNK STOLE THE PIN finish from SummerSlam. Because who remembers something that old?

My Actual Prediction: Punk retains, presumably when Ryback Shellshocks Cena and gets dumped to the outside. Wait, that doesn’t sound realistic enough. Punk retains when Cena gives both men an Attitude Adjustment, then gets knocked out of the ring by ALLEGATIONS and Punk just accidentally rolls over in the right direction.

Divas Championship Match: Eve Torres (c) vs. Kaitlyn

There are only 3 Divas in the Divas division right now. Even TNA found like, five to be in their #1 Contender Battle Royal on Impact. Sure, one of them was ECW GM Tiffany, but at least they put a body in the ring.

My Prediction: Eve retains in circa 3 minutes, and Kaitlyn continues to be the female protagonist in all of my WWE Fan Fiction.

United States Championship Match: Antonio Cesaro (c) vs. R-Truth

Seriously WWE, if Antonio Cesaro loses the United States Championship to deader-than-lame duck-ass R-Truth I will … I don’t know what I’ll do. Something dramatic. Give up WWE recaps, change my Internet handle back to “Swandive” and go review Chikara shows for free somewhere. R-Truth is making you a small amount of money by pretending to touch his butt to an invisible child’s, that is not the person who should be beating one of the best and strongest new wrestlers you have. R-Truth should not be beating Stan Stansky. He should be pairing up with Santino and Ryder in Team CoBroYo and nothing more.

My Prediction: I’m going to be optimistic and say Cesaro shuts him down with not a lot of effort. Optimism, everybody.

Team Ziggler (Dolph Ziggler, Damien Sandow, Cody Rhodes, Wade Barrett and Alberto Del Rio vs. Team Foley (The Miz, Kofi Kingston, Kane, Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton) with Mick Foley

I don’t think WWE even knows what they want to do with this. It originally seemed like a way to get Ryback another pinfall over Punk to build something for TLC, but they got shuffled out of the match, and now the only real story is that Miz is kinda-sorta a babyface phenomenon and might be an important thing for the first time since last year’s Survivor Series, where he gargled Rocky’s balls for five minutes.

All I know for sure is that Cody Rhodes is going out first, because this:

My Prediction: The match isn’t going on last, so I’m going to pick Team Ziggler here, with Ziggler and Wade Barrett as the survivors. WWE loves the “one team loses a lot of members until one guy fights REALLY HARD and almost overcomes the odds” thing, and the push to convince us that Orton is great at Survivor Series matches convinces me that he’ll be the guy eliminating Sandow, Del Rio and Rhodes before he gets Pearl Harbor’d and eliminated. Or maybe they’ll let Miz do it. Or maybe they’ll announce that Rhodes can’t compete and have Foley take his place on Team Ziggler, because WHY THE HELL NOT.

So, let me know what you think will go down. And be sure to come back Sunday morning, because we’ll have a commenting badge for your troubles.

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