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The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 6/13/14: A Jobber Time Capsule

By 06.14.14

Best: Sheamus The Shameless

Ohhhh shit, Cesaro has his fists taped up! Only Heyman could take fist taping, something almost every guy on the roster does for no particular reason, and turn it into an ominous declaration of war. Also, Sheamus the Shameless. How did I never think of that?

Like most of their matches, Cesaro/Sheamus wasn’t quite as good as it should have been. I’ve been trying to figure out why these guys don’t click perfectly. I think it’s because both men have a reputation for being TOUGH GUYS so there’s pressure to spend most of the match hitting each other hard, but at his best Cesaro is one of the most elegant wrestlers WWE has. His spinning M. Bison punch is impressive because Cesaro is so perfectly in control, not because he legit waylays guys with it. Sheamus can club a guy hard, but as Brandon has laid out, he’s actually best when selling. Basically, in order to live up to their only semi-accurate facades, these Cesaro/Sheamus matches break down into an endless succession of forearms to the face, which is neither guy’s true strong suit.

Still, don’t get me wrong, this was a good match, it just wasn’t the “holy shit, tell your friends” classic it is on paper. The finish was a particularly perfect bit of poetic dickery. Cesaro looks like a ripe asshole for winning with a roll-up after trying to shame Shameful Sheamus for doing the same at Payback, but it’s still a completely legit win. It’s another example of something we’re seeing more often from WWE lately — heel wins that are irksome and make you want a rematch, but that aren’t outright DQ/cheating cop-outs.

Worst: Kitty Litter and Milk

Kudos for the WWE writer who came up with cat litter and milk during the “What’s the most stomach churning combination of things we can pour on Summer Rae?” brainstorming session. Jesus.

Why are Fandango and Adam Rose not best friends? Both guys seem to have stumbled into WWE by accident and don’t take it seriously in the least, both guys like to dance and yet Fandango apparently finds Rose appalling. I mean, I’m with you buddy, but you don’t really have any high ground to stand on.

How long ago did Fandango and Summer Rae split up? It’s been months, hasn’t it? In the real world wearing disguises to stalk your ex and regularly getting into embarrassing shrieking brawls with his new girlfriend would be a sign of serious mental illness, but in WWE it gets you your victory music played. I’ll admit, I’ve missed a few episodes of NXT — has Summer Rae ever, for even a second, not been a horrible, grating human being? Aside from the “she’s a pretty lady” factor, I’m really struggling to understand the “I love Summer Rae” thing.

Worst: U S…A?

In the middle of an epic Big E/Jack Swagger “Guys Who Deserve Better” match, Lana comes out to rap about Putin, so Zeb Colter yells at her, which leads to him being crushed by Rusev. Well, that’s what should have happened. In reality Lana looked taken aback and immediately retreated in defeat. So uh, hooray for Zeb Colter? Maybe this is the start of a new chapter for Zeb and–whoops, no wait, Big E just pinned Swagger. Boooooo! Come on Big E, keep up! We like xenophobia now! I think? Let’s just move on.

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