Look, I know I am prone to fits of hyperbole, but please, please believe me on this one. This news segment by KLTV in Texas may be one of the stupidest local news segments I have ever seen. It’s kind of amazing.
But I should back up. Let’s get a little background first:
There is a rumor going around Tyler that there is a dog, recently adopted from the Pets Fur People animal shelter, that can talk.
On Friday, staff members noticed that Domino, a dog who had been at the shelter for three weeks, made a whinnying barking noise that sounded like, “I love you.”
“I was pretty surprised myself, but it’s very obvious he says I love you, I love you,” Gayle Helms with Pets Fur People animal shelter said. [KLTV]
Well, I am certainly on board so far. I mean, a dog that very obviously says “I love you”? That’s like 60% of a straight-to-DVD Air Bud sequel right there. Let’s get this pup a-yappin’. (FUN FACT: It turns out the dog only professes love when people walk away from him, which is a little messed up. WHO HURT YOU, DOMINO? WHO BROKE YOUR LITTLE DOGGY HEART? I WANT NAMES.)
So anyway, after a lot of waiting, and multiple failed attempts to get him to talk, they finally have some guy try it and BOOM jackpot. Sort of. As the man walks away, Apollo opens his mouth and says this:
“AAAAAAAHHHHH RAAAAAAAHHHHH RAAAAAHHHHHHH.”
Wait. What?
“AAAAAAAHHHHH RAAAAAAAHHHHH RAAAAAHHHHHHH.”
That’s it? That’s what this was all for? And the reporter is really going to pretend like this is evidence of “a talking dog” that says “I love you.” THIS IS BULLSH-T, KLTV. You don’t tease people with the promise of a talking dog. That is no joking matter. Some of us have b-… I mean, some people have been waiting their whole lives for this! Just think of the possibilities: you could leave a message on the machine on the way home and have the dog start dinner, you could freak out squares at the dog park, you and the dog could start a podcast called “The Pawdcast,” etc. THE LIST GOES ON AND ON. But this? Getting my hop-… their hopes up only to dash them a minute or two later with an incoherent babbling mutt? Unacceptable.
You’ll be hearing from my lawyers.
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