The sight of grandma’s head lolling to her chest while the television hums in the background is a standard at every family get-together. Grandma isn’t alone. One study reports 61 percent of American people surveyed described being gently escorted to slumber not by the Sandman, but by the TV. Given this, it isn’t surprising that developers have launched things like Napflix to bore people into efficient sleep without asking them to get up from the damn couch and go to bed. The newest incarnation of this idea is an addition to the already popular app Calm. Welcome “Sleep Stories” and their newest narrator, Ben Stein. Now, you can have his droning voice get you snoozing without having to dig out old VHS tapes of Win Ben Stein’s Money or Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
In Calm’s initial incarnation, the app focused on guiding users through a series of meditation sessions, breathing exercises, and calming nature sounds. Their new feature “Sleep Stories” offers bedtime stories for adults. But this isn’t the same as listening to audio books of a Stephanie Plum novel over and over until your wear out disc 2 (yes, they still make audio books on CDs). This is a bunch of relaxing stories that some might call boring (no offense John Muir nature essays). In speaking with Mashable, co-founder and CEO Alex Tew said he has nodded off before any of his attempts to get through the stories extended past ten minutes.
The newest story in the line-up is likely the most sleep inducing in the bunch: Ben Stein reading the first chapter of Adam Smith’s 1776 economics book The Wealth of Nations. Tew asserts “Having a soothing voice talk to you in a rhythmic, melodic fashion is very comforting.” Whether or not one would call Steins’s voice melodic is debatable, but it is certainly soporific.
Let grandma stay in the recliner; don’t try to turn it off or she will snap to and chastise you for that and for being overweight and wanting seconds on mashed potatoes. Instead, take yourself to bed with Ben Stein. Sexy. Soothing.
