A few days ago frequently retired, tax avoiding pothead Nick Diaz signed a multi-fight contract with the UFC. Rumors swirled about who Diaz would face in his return bout, but now we have an answer. In typical UFC match making, fighters coming off a loss, or, in Nick’s case, two losses, get matched up with similar recently winless opponents. Enter Anderson “The Spider” Silva, former middleweight champion and kingpin-turned-regular dude after two defeats in a row to Chris Weidman. The UFC announced yesterday that Diaz and Silva would be squaring off on the January 31, Superbowl weekend card.
This fight has so much going for it, and it’s still months away from happening (Which is a bad thing, considering everyone is relying on Nick Diaz to act like a professional adult for six months). There’s so much going on, I don’t know where to begin, so I’m just going to ask a series of questions to nobody in particular.
Will Nick show up to any of the pre-fight media obligations, like conference calls or press conferences? (History shows this is unlikely.)
Are Nick and Anderson going to bond over their love of Bruce Lee/ mad nunchaku skills and refuse to fight each other? (Possibly teaming up to fight Michael Bay for his TMNT movie.)
Which dude is going to drill wrestling this entire fight camp and surprise the other dude by shooting for a power double leg the instant the fight starts?
Does the winner get an immediate middleweight title shot?
Does the loser, who would be on a 3-fight losing streak, get cut?
If the fight actually happens, is there any outcome possible that wouldn’t be really hilarious? (Like, what if Nick recreates his fight with Gomi and finishes Anderson with a gogoplata after getting dropped?)
If Nick loses the fight, is he going to rage-quit and declare that MMA is bullsh*t? (History has shown that this is also incredibly likely.)
Will Anderson be able to Matrix-dodge Nick’s consistent onslaught of tiny baby punches?
Is Nick going to learn Portuguese to more effectively sh*t-talk Anderson during the fight, or is he just going to hope Silva understands English well enough to know what “209 MOTHERF*CKER!” “AIN’T NO B*TCH!” and “DON’T BE SCARED, HOMIE!” means?
I’ve just jinxed this fight by getting way too excited for it way too early for it to go off smoothly, right? Nick will test positive for a million marijuanas in his blood and he’ll try to jump out of the plane on his way to Vegas, while Anderson will actually still be in a wheelchair during the weigh-ins, right?
Screw it, this is going to be AMAZING.
