The Avengers: Age of Ultron was released today with much fanfare. The highly anticipated sequel should at least challenge, if not exceed, the astronomically high box office numbers that the original pulled in.
While the Avengers are clearly a hit in the movie realm, have you thought about what it would be like if they were a band?
Would they be a ragtag hip-hop mafia like the Wu-Tang Clan? Probably not. Thor doesn’t look like the rapping type. Ditto for Captain America. Actually, make that a big ditto for Captain America.
What about a hardcore, metal tribe along the lines of Slipknot? Again, doubtful. Even though some of the Avengers wear masks, like Slipknot, they destroy cities, not people’s eardrums.
I think we can also eliminate them being a reggae/SoCal sun-soaked crew, as well as a toe-tapping boy band, if only because The Hulk’s inability to dance is worse than Joey Fatone’s.
I’d also shy away from country. The Black Widow looks too dark and brooding for country music, even though I could see Tony Stark loving him some Luke Bryan (despite the Black Sabbath tee). Hey, that’s why people make solo albums.
My money is on the Avengers being a good old American rock band — think Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band, Pearl Jam, Foo Fighters… they’re a crew of workers — nothing too fancy or flashy. As superheroes, they believe it’s their duty to protect mankind. But as a band? Their duty is to rock mankind.
Vocals: It goes without saying that Iron Man would be the frontman; Bruce Springsteen at best or Adam Levine at worst.
Guitar: This is Captain America, looking on disapprovingly at Iron Man’s actions in a way not all that dissimilar from the relationship Russell and Jeff of Stillwater had in Almost Famous. The two of them would have more than a couple dust-ups in dressing rooms about onstage antics and who really is the face of the band. Cap wouldn’t be a flashy guitarist along the lines of Eddie Van Halen or Pete Townshend. He’d be more of a Lindsey Buckingham, technically sound, but not someone who’d adorn the walls of teenagers. He’d also be the first one to release a solo album, acoustic songs meant to show off his softer side. It would not be successful.
Bass: The Black Widow. She’s cool as a cucumber, the perfect demeanor for a bassist.
Keys: You’ve got Hawkeye, faceless and anonymous, just doing his job. The groupies aren’t lining up for Hawkeye, but sound guys would love him. He’s always the best-prepared, and he always keeps a bottle of Jack Daniel’s underneath his Fender Rhodes.
Drums/Percussion: That leaves Hulk and Thor as the band’s rhythm section. But who plays what? Both seem like a natural fit to be the drummer; one is a literally beast, the other hammers away at stuff. Can there be two drummers? No. For a band to successfully have two drummers, they need to work in concert together, seamlessly and ego-free, and I would never describe Thor or Hulk as seamless and/or ego-free. So, Thor plays drums, and Hulk plays percussion. Drummers are generally nut jobs, but Hulk is too much of a loose cannon to be an effective drummer, especially in a band like this. Might be a different story if they were a punk band, but Captain America thinks punk rock is just noise. He’s such a square.
Because you’re probably wondering, yes, Thor’s drum set up includes a gong.
And, yes, Nick Fury would be their manager. He’d find the music business only slight less cutthroat than the world-saving business.
