If you think that the upcoming presidential election is driving you crazy, then imagine the effect it is having on sensitive artist types. These are the people who will create the narratives and artifacts by which history will come to know us. That fact alone should make you desperate to see what unofficial products modern political arts and crafts vendors are churning out. And no place gives you a better glimpse into the intersection of independent arts and commerce than Etsy, essentially eBay with more hot glue and glitter. So, let’s openly gaze at what Etsy artists have to say about the current presidential candidates.
Candidate Cookie Cutters
You can eat presidential candidates at your leisure now that you have access to these cookie cutters. Imagine icing Bernie’s white main or Trump’s untamed eyebrows. The baking possibilities are legion.
Bernie Sanders Stash Jar
This jar markets itself as a place to “store your herbs, spices, and other small items safely and proudly.” Spices? Yeah, sure. This is totally so you can keep your oregano on hand. It can be really hard when you know something needs a deeper Italian flavor profile and you just don’t have your spices safely in your pocket. We get it; Sanders has a bunch of followers who smoke pot. In fairness, the man really has done his best for the marijuana cause.
Prayer Candles
These are just some of the many prayer candles emblazoned with sainted candidates. Look, who doesn’t love a saint candle? Any spiritual item you can pick up at the grocery store is one that I firmly back. And, let’s face it, people are lionizing candidates at this point and it seems not the least bit difficult to accept that people are out there thinking of them as saints Bernie, Donald, and Hillary already.
Candidate Underwear
Firstly, why no Hillary drawers? And, why are these men’s underwear? Somewhere out in the world are a group of men running around with their favorite male candidate plastered across their bum. Take that in. The next time you see a dude holding a political sign or campaigning, you have to imagine him wearing a pair of these. Your uncle who loves Trump? Picture it. Your art teacher that loves Sanders? Him, too. That handsome man in line for the rally? Most of all him.
Celery and Dill Clinton Cutting Board
Politics, puns, and utility? From this dream let we never be woken. Have you had days where your drab, unironically decorated cutting board gives you the chop chop blues? Well, is there ever a solution for you! This Celery and Dill Clinton cutting board makes a bold statement, but maintains its whimsy. You will laugh at the hilarious joke and cry from the onions you are cutting. It will be like living in a well-rounded piece of French cinema.
Trump Pet Wig
We all feel that dog’s skepticism. It’s not unlike our skepticism about Trump’s actual hair, so the whole thing is kind of meta. For a reasonable price, you can top your dog or drugged cat’s head with a tiny, blonde hairpiece. Your pet will be the envy of other animals forced to wear tiny Elton John and John Travolta wigs.
Feel the Bern: Sweatin’ to the Sanders Art
Love Richard Simmons and think that his presence in the political arena is sadly lacking? Who doesn’t? That man is a God in a glittery tank top. Thanks to Olive Graphics, you can enjoy this mash-up of Bernie Sanders and the Sweatin to the Oldies legend. Is it the jazz hands? Is it the coyly turned knee? You may never know the answer to these questions. All you know is that you must display this immediately.
We can only hope that more artists will be inspired by the upcoming elections. I eagerly await the Sanders bong, the Trump negligee, and the Clinton wraparound skirt.