As the NBA Playoffs rapidly approach, we here at Dime want our readers to be prepared for the postseason. To accomplish this, we assembled a definitive panel of experts including your high school coach, the 40-year-old guy at the park (who’s still got next, by the way) and your girlfriend. These authorities have given us exclusive information on all four of the first round series. Use this guide to make huge wagers on your team of choice, unless your team of choice is Atlanta.
Chicago-Indiana
The Bulls-Pacers series is a study in contrasts. One team is led by the presumptive MVP and is finely fitted with specialized players who know their roles and excel in them. The other team leads the league in white forwards. Most people don’t seem to be giving the Pacers much of a chance, as if being out-skilled at every facet of the game should somehow factor in to these things. It should be noted, however, that the Pacers aren’t necessarily playing for a championship. Their primary focus has always been securing a draft position where they will be able to draft Kyle Singler.
40-year-old guy at the park: (Fanning self with wife beater) Derrick Rose? Taught him everything he knows, man. Yeah, Derrick and me, we tight. Matta fact, that boy wanted to be a SOCCER PLAYER….’til I talked some sense into him. I was like, Derrick…son, you need to believe in yourself. You could be in the league someday. Then I taught him my patented J (shoots three-pointer, airballs)
Bitter Pistons fan: Let me tell you something about heart. Neither of these teams have it. You know who did? That’s right, baby—2004 Bad Boys. DE-TROIT BAS-KET-BALL! That was a team of destiny, baby. LINDSEY HUNTER!
Your girlfriend: (points at Jeff Foster on television) He looks like one of my teachers from high school!
Miami-Philadelphia
The Heat enter the postseason with heavy expectations. It appears that at some point LeBron James left Cleveland and signed with Miami, and apparently this was kind of a big deal.
Spurs fan: I like Philly in this series. You know why? Because you can’t just buy championships, that’s why. Sorry, LeBron. You had your chance in 2007, and you ran into THE. MOST. UNDERRATED. TEAM. EVER. We didn’t ever have a friggin’ “Heat Watch” on ESPN. You know what? We didn’t need one. That’s okay. Timmy feeds on your apathy.
Your high school coach: Don’t get me started about the 76ers. Me-ball. Me-first. Someone better tell that Albert Iverson that there’s no “I” in “Team”. You know, Mo Cheeks wouldn’t have put up with that. Cheeks was a winner. Are you listening to me, son?
Bandwagon Miami fan: HEAT IT UP, MY NINJAS! I love the playoffs! We’re taking this one TO THE HOUSE—I feel it. LeBron is doing his thing, Wade is doing, um, his thing, Bosh is doing…his thing… And you just watch—our bench will come through! We’ve got, uh, that guy with the tattoos. And that European guy—the big one! And the guy that makes the long shots, what’s his name?
Boston-New York
The Celtics enter their first round series with a hysterical fan base that has convinced itself that Kendrick Perkins was the Bill Russell of 2011. Their panic is matched only by the New York faithful, who vacillate wildly between euphoria and rage at their new-look Knicks. New York coach Mike D’Antoni was instrumental in formulating the “seven seconds or less” offensive strategy for fast-paced offense. With newcomers Chauncey Billups and Carmelo Anthony, he has adjusted this credo to “before the shot clock thingy goes off again.”
Nuggets fan: Celtics in four. Have fun in Gotham, ‘Melo. And don’t you worry about us. We’re going to beat the Thunder and you can watch us in the second round….while you’re AT HOME. BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN ELIMINATED. (Puts on Gallinari jersey) We’ve got Chandler now. And Gallinari has dimples, while you do not! HE HAS DIMPLES!
Bitter Pistons fan: You gotta be able to take a punch, baby. Kevin Garnett, you listening to me? Get outta here. That’s what made our team so unbeatable. We took everybody’s best punch. Even our fans! You remember the Malice at the Palace? That was my cousin Petey that ran on the court and fought Jermaine O’Neal, baby! And you know what Petey said, after he made bail? That O’Neal hit like a girl! DE-TROIT BAS-KET-BALL!
Hipster guy at coffee shop: Do you recall when Golden State beat Dallas? (Rubs scarf, adjusts glasses) That was such a triumph over the bourgeoisie. I remember feeling just, like, like…this is the revolution, right here. My friends and I wrote a song about it for our post-rock indie band. We never actually got to play the song live, though—that was right before the band broke up for like the seventh time.
Orlando-Atlanta
In possibly the most overlooked series of the first round, the Magic take on an Atlanta team that no one seems to believe can win. The Magic attempted to solve Dwight Howard‘s fondness for poking, slapping, and otherwise hacking his way into foul trouble by trading away his backup mid-season. Atlanta would probably have a better chance of upsetting the Magic if they had hung on to Kevin Willis. That guy was totally buff.
Your girlfriend: Why do all of Atlanta’s players look sad?
40-year-old guy at the park: Man, Kirk Hinrich is WEAK. I could take him off the dribble. (Shouts across the court) MAN I TOLD YOU I GOT NEXT! But Hinrich, yeah, I’m better than he is. You bring Hinrich down here and put him on this court, I give him a little a my sweetness, you know how we do (demonstrates crossover dribble, ball bounces off foot, rolls onto court).
Rockets fan: Everything Dwight Howard becomes, he owes to Hakeem Olajuwon. The Dream was literally the best big man to ever play the game. Literally. Did you know he could shoot the three? Did you know David Stern banned The Dream Shake….because it was too unstoppable? Did you know that Dream once played an entire season while fasting? Look it up, dude. An entire season.
Your high school coach: You know why Dwight Howard can’t shoot free throws, son? Because the will to succeed isn’t nearly as important as the will….TO PREPARE. Think about that. Think about that as you’re running around under the bleachers kissing on your girly. Think about that when you’re at the parties and someone tries to get you to smoke the marijuana. The winners are in THE GYM, giving 110 percent. All it takes is all you got, son.
What are you hearing in your roundtable? What first round series are you looking forward to the most?
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