FilmDrunk

The Dark Knight Gets a Soundtrack, You Get a Boner

One of the things Vince said to me, before peeling out of town in his specially modified Bio-Fuel VehiCross, was that I was supposed to “keep everyone informed about anything Hans Zimmer does. BURP.” At the time it seemed like a weird request, but then again Vince be shopping, so I disregarded his Bourbon-Cheetos breathe and acquiesced (French for “high-fived”).

Annnnyyyywaaaaaaaayyyyyy, this morning it all came full (family) circle because Empire posted the Dark Knight Rises soundtrack. You can listen to the whole thing when you have some free time. Perhaps after that home remodel?

In the interim, I thought it might be fun to just go ahead and review this puppy from top to bottom. Anyone can post a link to a soundtrack, but can just anyone blast you with 15 tracks of knowledge?

1. “A Storm is Coming” – I could see using this song in your gimp foreplay games. Very big on ominous sounding drums.

2. “On Thin Ice” – This has a little Lord of the Rings vibe to it, remember that scene when Gandalf died and Orlando Bloom wouldn’t even translate what the elves were singing because he was too choked up? In hindsight, this was a dick move, because no one else knew Elvish, and EVERYONE was grieving. Wait a beat, do you think Orlando Bloom also didn’t know Elvish and was just playing it off?

3. “Gotham’s Reckoning” – This is probably a scene with the bad guy, because it sounds like bees are everywhere. Zimmer is getting very active with his pacing, and then 100 seconds in he nails you with some sort of M-80 sound effect. Dude’s still got it! Hans Florian Zimmer, crushin’ hoes and slammin’ Cadillac Do’s. About three minutes in it sounds a little bit like the scene from Big Lebowski where they are launching the topless girl on the trampoline.

4. “Mind If I cut In?” – Ooooh, he slowed it down again. I bet “The Zim” (trademarked) is a generous and thoughtful lover. A little Catch Me if You Can vibe to this track.

5. “Underground Army” – Very Michael Mann-y, like Heat meets Collateral, but not in a bad way.

6. “Born in Darkness” – “ZimDog” is not afraid of his woodwinds. He’ll also hit you with the strings, just when you think the date is over.

7. “The Fire Rises” – This is the exact song I would use to break into someone’s house. I’d be jumping around like a monkey, stealing old vinyl records, just riding the dragon for all it was worth.

8. “Nothing Out There” – Shouldn’t they do a scene with Katie Holmes for the third one? Where like she was taken captive by a “scientist” and just recently “freed”? I think that would play with middle America. It would be subtle, but not so subtle that you didn’t pronounce the “B” in subtle.

9. “Despair” – For a track called “Despair,” it certainly starts with a quickness. And Zim-a-Thon brings back the “boots” theme he’s been working into everything. Clearly Dark Knight Rises is going to have its fair share of standing armies.

10. “Fear Will Find You” – I swear this is the same song as #7, just re-mixed a smidge.

11. “Why Do We Fall?” – Is this a callback to Batman Begins? We fall so we can get back up, bitches!! (eats mini doughnut, spills coffee on self while attempting Breakfast Club air fist punch)

12. “Death by Exile” – This song is 23 seconds long. They should have Kickstarter’d the rights to compose this track.

13. “Imagine the Fire” – By now I’m guessing Batman is crushin’ folks. “You want some Bane? Consider yourself Bane-ished!!”

14. “Necessary Evil” – Here is likely where Gary Oldman is all “You SAVED us. But I have to put you away, old friend.” And then Bats is like “I agree. But first you hafta find me. WHOOOSH” (Disappears, goes to Zihuatanejo with Morgan Freeman to ride on sailboats)

15. “Rise” – Egh, might have been a little better if they got Jaden Smith to rap over the top of it.

Overall, very nicely done. I’m going to go on record and say Dark Knight Rises will make $1.7b at the box office, and you KNOW Zim gets back end on everything, including your mom.

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