This Week In Movie Posters: ‘John Wick: Chapter 2’ Is Still Winning, Plus The World’s Worst ‘Inferno’ Poster

This week in This Week In Movie Posters begins, by virtue of alphabetical order, with Arrival. Sicario director Denis Villeneuve’s latest gives us Gravity-style astronaut helmet graphics, asking, “Why are we here?”

Is the answer “To steal a title from a perfectly decent Charlie Sheen movie?” Come on, man, you can’t just pretend you came up with that on your own. Do you want to see the ruins, my friend?

I’ll be honest, I’m probably going to see any movie with space helmets and lens flares on the poster. That being said, Jeremy Renner looks more like he just took a bong load than like he just saw an alien.

Jesus, another ballet movie? I think my movies-about-ballet to actual-ballet-performances ratio is like 10 to 0 at this point. Ballet, jazz, punching mirrors, detectives who listen to opera, going underwater to think — what else do movie characters seem to enjoy far more than people in real life?

I assume this movie is about a group of sideways humans raised in a wolf den. Sounds neat.

The last poster I had no idea what it was about. The plot is equally mysterious here, but it’s clearly a horror movie written by Jordan Peele which is just enough for me to want to find out. There should be a word for that, the point where mystery passes from apathy to intrigue. I’d ask a marketing person about it, but marketing people are generally idiots. No offense, please don’t @ me.

This is a strong poster. I know it may count less coming from me because I’m color blind, but yellow and black is a pretty strong poster color scheme. See also. Also, I can’t wait until Jim Jarmusch’s Metallica movie, Gimme Fue Gimme Fie Gimme Gimme Dabajabbaza.

My, what a brilliant concept. I like that they’ve tilted Felicity Jones slightly to one side, to give the illusion of movement, while giving her the blandest possible expression and somehow managing to make her look kind of like Miley Cyrus. Believe it or not, this isn’t even the worst Inferno poster this week.

Yes, that would be this one. He’s concerned, she’s bored, both “running” about as fast as you might go from cubicle to kitchen to keep from missing out on free bagel Wednesday (which isn’t very fast, you just have to beat Kevin). And naturally, there’s the pointless diagonal. Always with the pointless diagonal.

Oh snap, the angels are trying to dab on us.

Natalie Portman as Jackie Onassis? That is truly the most movie of movie premises. And of course the poster is all in red. Redolent. Sumptuous. Evocative. Symbolic. Of something. Elegance, probably. Poise. Poise and elegance and assertive subtlety. I can’t wait. This is going to be so lyrical and poetic and shit.

And here we have the latest awesome poster for John Wick: Chapter 2, which is clearly winning at the marketing game (the second most dangerous game of all, behind man. Third is Jai Alai.) Clearly this poster was a reference to Harold Lloyd’s 1918 classic, “Two-Gun Gussie”.

I mean obviously. I caught that reference, didn’t you guys? Why, this looks just like “2 Gun Gussie,” Harold Lloyd’s movin’ picture from 1918! I thought to myself, pushing my stovepipe hat up my head and mopping my brow with the back of my hand. Now, who wants to go with me to Delmonico’s for some gin and heroin.

Here we have the King Cobra poster, doing a gender swap on the old “framed by the legs” poster cliche. Also, knife penis! That’s actually the only part of this design I’m a little iffy on. I’m pretty sure “F*cked With A Knife” is a Cannibal Corpse song.

Hmm, a goth nun? I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to be getting here. I wonder if this is the “Hey little sister” from the Billy Idol song. God I’m old.

We’ve had X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Wolverine, and now just Logan. I hope this is the last one of these, I don’t know how much more they can pare down the title. Lo-lo. It’s Ya Boy Wolvie. Dat Knife Guy.

And here we have an Asian poster for Disney’s Moana, the Brave of the south seas; the Frozen of the liquid state. Anyway, that’s a badass hawk. Do they have badass hawks in Polynesia? Also, I’m glad I saw the previews so I know that it’s “moe-AH-na” and not “MOAN-uh.” This was some good analysis, huh.

This is a nice poster for A Monster Calls, even if the movie was depressing as hell.

I like the old school design for this Officer Downe poster, but I feel like I need to know what the pun is. Why Downe and not Down? Is one of the characters named Downe? And how is that important? It reminds me of my idea for “Officer Downs,” a buddy cop movie about two cops with Down Syndrome. That was a good pun. I don’t really know what “Downe” means. You have to be more on the nose with your name puns, like Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds, about a lawyer named Deeds who learns the value of good deeds.

It seems like there’s a lot of crotch in this, no? Maybe I just have crotch on the brain.

Would you call this “Tron-esque?” I like the way they’re sort of sliding into view. Not enough to see the movie, mind you.

Aren’t there supposed to be humans inside the suits? What’s up with the lips? Those look like metal lips. I remember Power Rangers but I have completely forgotten the mythology. GRRR, DON’T RAPE MY CHILDHOOD, BRO

The restraint it must’ve taken not to make her breasts even bigger.

So do they have magical jewels on their bellies, like the Troll dolls? Ahh, the 90s, ’twas truly an age of half-assed children’s characters with jewels on their bellies.

I wish I was this flexible. Anyway, this is what we call the horror movie tripod, which is a lot like the superhero tripod stance they’re always landing in, only with hair covering the face and creepy grasping.

“Don’t judge a cop by his cover.” Gee, is he undercover? If so that huge badge around his neck seems like it’d be a giveaway. I mean I’m not a cop or anything.

I’m guessing this is like Thelma and Louise, only one of them is a truck. Or possibly a cowboy hat. You know when you wear your cowboy hat set way back on your head like that it’s shit at keeping the sun off your face.

I saw this and my first thought was “Blood Wars? Wait, I thought this was the final chapter or something.” Then I realized I was thinking of Resident Evil and this is Underworld. This is the one where vampires fight werewolves or something like that, right? Anyway, that’s a cool fur hoodie, and I like the way the light glints off her… uh… samurai armor? I don’t even know, man.

It’d be helpful if these posters told me which one of these are vampires and which are werewolves.

Poor Toby Menzies, what happened to your left arm?

And here we have Taylor Lautner or whatever. Okay, so of Underworld and Resident Evil, which one is Twilight and which one is Divergent?

Here she is shooting double pistols, while combining both the pointless diagonal poster cliche and the “particles of stuff flying everywhere” action movie poster cliche.

Just the image of an alien planet and the invocation of The Fifth Element are normally enough to get me excited, though that’s cheapened somewhat by that font, which looks like some Masters of the Universe free font from the ’90s.

Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.