Opening Everywhere: Snow White and the Huntsman, Piranha 3DD, High School
Never Heard of It: Cellmates
FilmDrunk Suggests: By the time this publishes, I’ll be in the Bahamas, so you can watch my pale white butt enjoy some boat drinks. As for films, go see Men in Black 3. Vince liked it, and that guy hates EVERYTHING.
Snow White and the Huntsman
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 49% critics, 91% audience, 100% furious K-Stew fanboy commenters
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Stunningly shot and inconsistently acted and written, Snow White has enough visual fireworks to keep the film afloat, even if starKristen Stewart can’t get out of Twilight mode.” – Scott Bowles, USA Today
“What dooms Snow White and the Huntsman is ultimately not how over the top it is, but how dull it is. Stewart and Hemsworth have so little chemistry that any romantic undertones between them seem clumsily stapled to the story.” – Linda Holmes, NPR
Armchair Analysis: I don’t hate Kristen Stewart, but I don’t like her. She’s like diet soda, except less bubbly. I also don’t hate the idea of fairy tales re-told, but I don’t love it either. Ultimately, I don’t think this will necessarily be a terrible movie, but it doesn’t really poison my apple, if you know what I mean. Don’t worry, I don’t either.
Piranha 3DD
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 20% critics, 60% audience, 100% people who think Paul Scheer is this generation’s Laurence Olivier
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“So Piranha 3DD (‘Double D’s swim for free,’ says water park co-owner Chet, played with sleazy relish by David Koechner) trolls pretty much the same waters as its predecessor, which should delight the same adolescents and arrested adolescents who filled theatres the first time around.” – Bruce DeMara, Toronto Star (I think I’m offended by that.)
“Nevertheless, even with the advantage of contempo special effects, this latest mad-fish movie lacks the exploitation-pic bite of the Joe Dante-helmed, John Sayles-penned, Roger Corman-produced 1978 original.” – Leslie Felperin, Variety
Armchair Analysis: I probably won’t sprint to the theaters to see this film, but the first Piranha was hilarious – and featured the spectacular combination of Kelly Brook and Riley Steele – and Paul Scheer returns as Andrew. That’s great news, because we love Paul Scheer as much as we love Christopher Mintz-Plasse.
High School
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 31% critics, 69% audience, 100% Chet Hazes
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
“Here’s the basic plot: One day, high school senior Henry (Matt Bush), a brainiac Goody-Two-Shoes, gets chonged with old stoner buddy Travis (Sean Marquette). Shortly thereafter, their control-freak principal (a fussy, florid Michael Chiklis) announces plans to urine-test the entire student body. Travis doesn’t much care, but Henry frets that if he’s busted, ‘I can kiss my MIT scholarship goodbye.’” – Amy Biancolli, San Francisco Chronicle (That’s not as much a review as it is me repeating the plot in disbelief.)
“There’s been plenty of weed in high school movies — even ‘The Breakfast Club’ used it to accelerate the bonding among its young Americans. But ‘High School’ lacks the oddball inventiveness of the ‘Harold and Kumar’ films or other genuine pot comedies.” – Mark Olsen, L.A. Times
Armchair Analysis: This film was made in 2010 and it’s just now being released. Something tells me it wasn’t pushed back for lack of Channing Tatum. But hey, with such a clever title like High School, I’m sure it has to be awesome.
Cellmates
Starring: Tom Sizemore, Stacy Keach, Hector Jimenez, Chris Farley’s brother
My Guess: Tom Sizemore plays a f*cked up dude who goes to jail and gets an equally f*cked up cellmate, and the results are either supposed to be hilarious or mind-bending, but they end up being neither, and Sizemore ends up with a few thousand dollars for his troubles that he will ultimately blow on bath salts.
Actual Plot: “Worlds collide when hardened Ku Klux Klansman Leroy Lowe (Tom Sizemore) and Mexican field laborer Emilio (Hector Jimenez) are forced to share a prison cell. The unlikely relationship takes an unexpected turn when the chatty Emilio slowly chips away at Leroy’s gruff exterior in writer/director Jesse Baget’s offbeat buddy comedy which also stars Stacy Keach, Kevin Farley and Olga Segura.”
Verdict: Close enough.