Editor’s Note: No spoilers. I promise. No spoilers, okay? No spoilers.
We did it, folks. We squeezed all of your favorite Marvel characters into a single movie. The movie is more than three hours long and just trying to fit all the characters names onto the same poster looks ridiculous, but thanks to Avengers: Endgame, now we know we can do it. It’s the same kind of revelation you had as a kid when you realized that you can mix all of the watercolors into one super color, or that you can make one super soda with a squirt from all of the different sodas that up until then you had only enjoyed separately. The super color turned out a sickly purplish brown and the super soda was a muddled medicinal sugar bomb surprisingly redolent of Dr. Pepper, but the important thing is that you did it, and you know. That knowledge is power: the power not to have to do it again.
Avengers: Endgame is less a movie than a victory lap, Marvel congratulating itself for making all of these movies while congratulating us, the viewers, for having watched them. I used to think it was the arthouse movies, the films about dyslexic Nazis and bull-riders with AIDS collecting statues at the Oscars that were self-congratulatory. The pulp hits at the multiplex were fun precisely because they seemed to lack that kind of self-regard. Manny Farber famously called genre movies “termite art,” because they kept moving without pausing for self-reflection (insofar as I can ever actually understand what Manny Farber was talking about). With Avengers: Endgame, Marvel has created a towering monument to itself, a movie that seems to pause every few minutes to soak up laurels and applause.
True, it can be hard to judge Avengers: Endgame, the movie, independent from Avengers: Endgame, the circus. Am I even meant to? Some theaters are reportedly staying open 24 hours a day to accommodate the extra screenings and moviegoers. For the press screening, rather than the usual one screening, or a handful at different times and locations, there were four screenings, all on the same day, all on the Disney lot. That’s a three-hour movie at a theater with no concession stand (and no food even allowed, according to the signs). Who were all these extra people? “Influencers,” from the looks of it. Before the movie, a staffer warned us not to share any spoilers. Though after it ended, no one was there to warn us not to sit through the 15 minutes of credits (after holding our bladders for three hours) waiting for a post-credits scene, because there isn’t one.
Junketeers (a separate class of press) had all seen it the day before and as I switched my phone off airplane mode as I was leaving the theater, an email from the PR team at RottenTomatoes arrived in my inbox telling me that “Avengers: Endgame is certified fresh at 98% recommended!” And with only two more press screenings to go that day! Amazing. Yes, everyone is hoping to make money on this movie.