Springfield? Never a dull moment (even if you have to deal with the occasional Diaper Mountain or bear tax). Stars Hollow? Nice people, great diner. The Land of Ooo? All the candy you could ever want! Plus, you get to hang out with BMO.
Westeros? Hard pass. As far as fictional worlds go, it seems like a horrible place to live. At least Middle-earth, from Lord of the Rings, has the Shire — all Westeros can offer is deadly weddings, human sacrifices, King’s Landing probably smells putrid (there’s literally a place called Pisswater Bend), and oh yeah, now there’s fire-breathing (ice and regular) dragons roaming the skies.
thank u next. No wonder everyone in the first batch of promo photos from the final season of Game of Thrones appears to be depressed. And frankly, worried. Can you blame them? Season eight is going to be “bloodier” and have “more death… than all the years before,” according to Sophie Turner, and there’s a good chance that many (most?) of our favorite characters won’t survive. So, based on the photos provided by HBO (theories and interviews were not considered), let’s rank them, from least to most worried-looking.
12. Samwell Tarly
Good ol’ Samwell. He’s probably thinking about libraries, and not that he and Bran are the only people alive who know Jon Snow’s true identity, a piece of knowledge that could crumble a kingdom. But, in this photo, happy libraries.
11. Daenerys Targaryen
Dany’s had a rough go of it, what with the whole “creepy brother forcing her to marry Aquaman” thing and all the assassination attempts, but she looks mighty chipper now. Maybe it’s because she finally found a lover worthy of the Mother of Dragons, or… nah, it’s not that. Daenerys is probably playing nice to the fine folks of Winterfell — but when she discovers that she and Jon are, oops, related and have committed incest (happens), she’ll quickly zoom into the top-five.
10. Jaime Lannister
Look at that devilish smirk. Jaime has done a lot of terrible, irremediable things — he shoved a child out of the tall window in the first episode of the show!; also, his name is Jaime, not Jamie — and yet when I see him smile, the whole world smiles with me. Except Bran. Bran probably isn’t smiling, as seen below.
4 (tie). Davos Seaworth / Jon Snow / Cersei Lannister / Sansa Stark / Arya Stark / Varys
What happens when an Onion Knight, a Know-Nothing bastard, an incestuous sister with a mountainous zombie sidekick, two orphans, and a eunuch walk into a bar? Nothing good, apparently, because they’re in a fourth-place sad tie. (Also, can someone please remake Cheers, but with Davos as Sam Malone and Arya as Carla Tortelli? [Varys enter the bar] “Varys!”)
3. Bran Stark
What’s the most worried you’ve ever been? Was it your driver’s test? Your wedding day? The day you became a parent? Bran laughs at your pitiful answer, assuming he’s even able to laugh anymore, and raises you: being an all-powerful mystic who can see into the past. That’s a lot of pressure. I feel uneasy checking my Twitter mentions; my dude Bran has gone full Chalamet at the end of Call Me By Your Name. At least he has a real wheelchair now.
2. Brienne of Tarth
Whatever could Brienne, with her Adam Gase eyes, be looking at?
Ah yes, makes sense. Good luck out there.
1. Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion is THIS CLOSE to revisiting his emo phase. He’s in love, but the object of his affection has found someone else. Also, his sister wants to kill him, he committed patricide via crossbow while his father was on the toilet, and he really needs to comb his hair. Tyrion’s eyes look heavy and sad, and as Varys once said, he’s “one of the few people alive who can make this country a better place.” Characters who can improve Westeros do not have a good track record on Game of Thrones.
Drink some more wine, my worried friend. You’ll need it.