A beautiful morning. The sun is peeking over the horizon, sending the first glimmers of light streaking in through an open window, where they settle on the exposed chest of Jon Snow and the arm his new lover, Daenerys Targaryen, has draped across it. The two of them slowly awaken after a night of passion.
JON: Well, good morning, my queen.
DAENERYS: And a good morning to you.
JON: That was… something.
DAENERYS: It sure was. Think we woke the dragons.
JON: I think that was Davos snoring.
Both laugh the carefee laugh of new lovers.
JON: I’ll go get us some breakfast. What does a mother of dragons eat? Eggs? Sides of beef?
DAENERYS: Some toast is fine.
JON: Then toast you shall hav-…
A raven flies in through the open window and lands on the nightstand next to Jon. It has a scroll.
JON: What’s this? A raven… from Winterfell!
DAENERYS: What does it say?
Jon unfurls the scroll and reads in silence.
JON: Oh my…
DAENERYS: Tell me!
JON: This says… my sisters have combined forces and executed Lord Baelish for treason.
DAENERYS: Did… did he deserve it?
JON: Oh, yes. Definitely. I’m just surprised, is all. I’m proud of them, though. I can’t wait for you to meet Sansa and Arya. I think you and Arya will get along famously.
DAENERYS: I look forward to meeting her.
JON: On second thought… you two could be trouble together.
DAENERYS: Oh, stop! I can’t wait to meet your family!
JON: And I can’t wait for them to meet y-
A second raven flies in the open window and lands on Jon’s nightstand. It is also carrying a scroll.
JON: What in the… another scroll from Winterfell?
Jon unfurls the scroll and reads it in silence. He looks very confused and concerned.
DAENERYS: Well, what does it say?
JON: I… I’m not sure.
DAENERYS: Read it to me.
JON: It says, “Urgent: There’s news you must know immediately. Winterfell has dangerous levels of updog and must be evacuated.”
DAENERYS: What’s updog?
JON: I don’t know, either. We must get to the north as fast as we can. We can’t leave them exposed.
DAENERYS: Wait, hold on. There’s something written on the back. What does that say?
JON: One second. It says… hold on, it’s so tiny. It says “lol not much, dog, what’s up with you?”
JON: What’s so funny?
DAENERYS: I think your sisters might be having a little fun with you.
JON: How so?
DAENERYS: Well, do you see how they put the word “updog” in the original message?
DAENERYS: And it made us curious, so we said “What’s updog?”
JON: Yes, I must know so the infestation doesn’t spread.
DAENERYS: But it was all a joke, though. Like they made us say “What’s up, dog?” That’s what the note on the back was, a punchline. “Not much, dog, what’s up with you?” It’s a play on words.
DAENERYS: Do you get it?
JON: Of course.
DAENERYS: Because you still look confused.
JON: It’s just… What IS updog? If it’s as dangerous as they’re implying, my men could be wiped out in a fortnight!
DAENERYS: Jon, honey…
JON: We’ll have to consult with the Maester at once. Perhaps he knows how to combat this treacherous updog…
DAENERYS: Just come back to bed, please.
JON: But the updog outbreak…
DAENERYS: [Sighs.] I assure you it can wait until after breakfast.
JON: Fine. A good idea, actually. We’ll need our strength for the journey, especially once we encounter this mysterious “updog.”
DAENERYS: [Rolls eyes.]
JON: But I know we can solve this problem, you and I, because we are an unstoppable team. Soon we will marry and unite our forces and have a lifetime of mornings like this in the castle at King’s Landing, me holding you, you holding me, solving the problems of the Seven Kingdoms with our bodies still tacky to the touch from the now-dried sweat we created in another night of passion, hotter than even the breath of your dragons. Two lovers, ruling, vanquishing enemy forces and containing this new updog threat, and definitely not creeping out all of our subjects with a weird incest-y vibe like those Lannist-…
A third raven flies in the window and lands on Jon’s nightstand. It also has a scroll. There are now three ravens on his nightstand, just hanging out. It looks ridiculous.
DAENERYS: Another message? My word. You sure are a popular man. This better not be from another woman.
JON: No no, it’s another one from Winterfell. From Bran this time.
JON: Yes, my brother. Kind of. He’s the Three-Eyed Raven now, which means he’s all-knowing and all-seeing. We just got him a new wheelchair. It’s pretty nice.
DAENERYS: Well, what does he say?
Jon unfurls the scroll and begins reading.
JON: Well, he says that Sam is at Winterfell now.
DAENERYS: Who’s Sam?
JON: Great guy. Was training to be a Maester. Not sure why he’s back. You’ll love him.
DAENERYS: Ooo, I can’t wait to meet all your friends.
JON: And then it says… hold on. It says that my my father is… and my mother is… which makes me… oh. Oh no.
Jon springs out of bed and stares at the scroll in disbelief.
JON: This can’t be!
DAENERYS: What? What does it say?
JON: Oh no… but we… you and I just…
DAENERYS: Tell me what it says this instant!
JON: Oh God. Oh my God.
DAENERYS: Jon Snow, as your queen, I demand that you tell me what that scroll says.
JON: Okay. Okay. But… let’s both put on some clothes first.