One of the busiest times of the year also happens to coincide with perhaps the filthiest. The holidays are here and so is cold and flu season. It’s the most wonderful time to give thanks and converge with family unless you’re a germaphobe. While halls are being decked and grievances are being aired, the neat freaks of the world are on high alert everywhere they go. No space is sacred. Buying some hip new toy for your niece? You’ll be facing a contaminated battlefield of renegade sneezes, under-washed hands, and the keen knowledge that the gift you purchased is probably even filthier. Holiday travel is even worse and proof that no matter how far you may go, germs aren’t much further behind. If the spirit doesn’t move you then maybe the illness will. Happy holidays. Here’s a whole lot of ways this season is conspiring against you, dear germaphobe.
Public Bathrooms In General
Public bathrooms simply aren’t safe for the common germaphobe. You think you can combat the barely secure doors and cold chrome handles that have been touched by an incalculable number of unwashed hands? You’re never going to pee in a public place ever again.
Touchy Feely Family
Not even the most distant, awkward family hug can protect you from… well… your own family. Best to wear a hazmat suit to the dinner table at this point.
Coughing And Sneezing Without Protection
Has no one heard of the brilliant vampire propaganda known as the “Dracula sneeze?” It’s where you aim your nose cannon at the crook of your elbow and pretend you’re holding up a cape to protect you from garlic (which is actually really great for your immune system; oops!) or some anti-vampire crap. What you’re actually doing is God’s work by being courteous and not dripping molten germ lava on those around you. Sadly, not enough people apparently have the arm strength to do this so coughing and sneezing fits are just battle grounds for contaminants to wage wars against you.
Double-Dipping
Think about how much havoc salsa and guacamole have brought upon this earth. Those bowls, and really all communal foods like chips, nuts, and party mix, are nothing more than Petri dishes.
Going To The Gym
If you thought working out on a normal day was a rough brush with the unsanitary devil just wait until you’re wiping off the meat sweats saturating the treadmill from all the repentant gym rats beating themselves into the ground just aching to shed those holiday pounds. Would a canister of Lysol wipes at your side be that much to ask?
Holiday Shopping
So many people, so few items in stock, so little time it takes until your immune system is completely compromised by all the flu-ridden shoppers who just HAD to get their hands on a $9 Gilmore Girls season 4 DVD set and their germs on you.
Meeting New People
New people? New germs. It’s incredibly rude to ask for a medical/vaccination/and travel history every time you encounter someone new, but maybe society just needs to get over the need to be polite.
Cooking
Salmonella and e. coli are very real things that are probably straight up thriving in your cousin’s kitchen as he prepares whatever easy dessert he’s been tasked with making for the family potluck. And are you counting how many times you heard the sink turn on and for how long the water ran? Birthday song length? If not, it might be time to either make up an allergy or prepare your bowels for their own painful winter vacation.
Sadly, eating out opens up a whole host of other annoyances, like people who handle cash (which is covered in fecal matter) and then food. Really, it’s best to have the ability to transfer yourself to a land of denial if you’re a germaphobe out on the town and desperate for a bite. That or carry a lunchbox
Waiting For A Flu Shot
There are full studies dedicated to the spread of MRSA from hospital and waiting room magazines. If you think you’re doing right by your germaphobia by hanging in there to get a flu shot you may just be swapping one illness for another way worse one by way of Highlights for Kids.
Leaving The House
When considering the alternatives, does agoraphobia sound that bad?
