Life

The Most Awesome Things No One Ever Tells You About Being Married

Being married is awesome. Not only do you get to live with (hopefully) your best friend in the entire world (who also does the sex with you), but you get breaks on taxes, someone to go pick up that pizza when you both decide that going out on Saturday night is just too much work, and half of everything they own is yours if your spouse accidentally dies under mysterious circumstances. But aside from the usual excitement of knowing that marriage means never having to testify against your partner in court (and all that love and security nonsense), there’s a whole bunch of special little joys that only married couples know.

Here are a few benefits of being married that go beyond “living longer” and “enjoying the emotional support you so richly deserve after the sh*tty childhood you had.”

You Get Double The Stuff

Many people believe this only applies to homosexual couples–and it’s true, I haven’t done laundry since I got married six months ago because I can just wear my husband’s pants and t-shirts around the house–but every married couple can benefit from sharing clothes (who’s going to care if you put on your wife’s muumuu? It’s comfortable!), home goods, and electronic appliances. Remember when you only had one computer in the house? Now you have two PCs, one Mac, and a host of phones and tablets that ensures you’ll never be far from a screen, even when your partner wants you to be. Plus, any present they get for their birthday is suddenly your present, too. In fact, people will give you presents with the both of you in mind, meaning that you’ll always have more stuff than you know what to do with. (This could, of course, lead to arguments about why there’s stuff just lying around all over the place all the time, but that’s the price you pay for having awesome things.)

You Can Fart Openly And Forever

And your partner will probably think it’s hilarious! Plus, now that you’re married and a piece of paper has bound you and your spouse together for all eternity, you can go ahead and kill all the mystery in the relationship. Pooping while they’re showering? That’s allowed. Showering while they’re pooping? It’s your bathroom, too!

But the best part is that your significant other finally has to accept your digestive tract for exactly what it is. So when you fart so hard at night that you wake both yourself and your spouse in a panic because it feels like the Cloverfield monster just attacked your home, you don’t even need to apologize. It’s just part of married life!

Liking The Same People Is Great, But Hating The Same People Is Even Better!

Friends are important and every married couple should surround themselves with people they enjoy spending time with (and who are willing to get just as drunk at Game Night as they are). But sometimes, there are people that both of you just can’t stand and there’s no logical way to describe the red-hot frisson that comes from knowing that as soon as you get home from spending time with (or even hearing) about the person you both secretly loathe, you’ll spend at least twenty minutes discussing each one of their faults. Make no mistake, it’ll start with a tentative “I really like Mike, but…” and end with a full-on evisceration of Mike’s character. And it will feel amazing. (Also, no one else will ever know.)

You Never Feel The Pressure To Go Out And Do Things If You Don’t Want To.

Before you were married, you probably played the “what am I doing on Saturday?” game, trying to make sure that you weren’t the only one sitting at home with your partner (or by yourself) and watching TV. This while all the other, cooler people in your city attended a Chemical Brothers concert and dropped acid halfway through (an exhausting thing I just heard a friend did the other weekend). Now that you’re married and have a copy of the certificate that proves it in that catch-all drawer in your kitchen, you no longer feel any pressure to spend Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights doing anything but ordering pizza and just chilling. You see enough people at work, why hang out with them at night, too? After all, you’ve got a ride-or-die friend right next to you and they think you’re pretty cool. Even when you’re only wearing a dirty shirt and dripping pizza all over yourself. In fact, sometimes you’ll make plans with each other and then decide to postpone them because leaving the house after 8pm on a weekend is just too much work. You claim you’ll go out next week, but whatever, maybe you’ll just get sushi delivered instead.

You can bone. All the time. Or not. And it doesn’t mean anything about your relationship.

You can bone if you wanna, you can leave your friends behind! This is a plus in any relationship that has a sexual element, but once you’re married you can stop showering and brushing your teeth beforehand. You paid $10,000 for a wedding. What else do you have to prove? You know what? Sometimes you just want to cuddle and that’s okay, too. And if your sex life gets a little slow, it’s fine if you’re both okay with it.

Sometimes I like to joke that I’d like to give my husband a plaque that says “I’m still sexually attracted to you,” and then just take a nap. Still going strong!

You can be alone, together.

She’s in the living room, watching TV; you’re in the bedroom, reading a book. You’re twenty feet away from each other, and it still feels like you’re together. All safe and secure and effortless. And if you really need something (like another blanket because it’s goddamn freezing since you’ve made the joint decision not to use the heater this winter) you can just scream really loudly and one will appear (quickly, if not cheerfully).

You Never Have To Go To Family Events Alone.

You’re a united front! And now that your spouse is an official part of the family, you can leave him with all your relatives (and their questions about when you’re going to have kids) while you go get drunk under the Christmas tree. Thanks for the assist!

One Of You Will Always Know How To Work The Electronics.

Being married is all about discovering each other’s special skills. For instance, even if one of you is hopeless with the new remote that controls everything right down to the life support you didn’t know you had installed, the other one will (after some trial and error). On the other hand, the person who knows how to make the sound and pictures come from the same place on your TV may not be as adept at writing birthday cards. Or eating an entire cake at one time when there’s not enough room for it in the fridge. Married couples thrive best when they work together, complementing each other’s skills, anticipating each other’s needs, and knowing that if you can’t contribute anything else to the relationship, at least you can take the garbage out every week.

Leaving the other person is no longer a “dumping” situation, so you’re more inclined to work on your problems.

Getting married really puts things in perspective, even for people who say nothing ever really puts things into perspective. But here’s what’s awesome: once you’ve had the ceremony, gotten the piece of paper, and decided that this is something you want to do forever (or at least until you really can’t stand each other anymore) everyday fights become a little bit safer, a little less frightening, and you both become a little more amenable to change and compromise. This sounds sappy for sure, but a good marriage is one in which both partners keep growing, and if you want to stay together–and don’t want to pay a divorce lawyer–growing together through both new and exciting shared interests and conflict can be both frightening and exciting. But you know, all that work pays off.

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