Life

Brew Over Bacon: A Ten Day Test Of The ‘Beer For Breakfast’ Diet


“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” We’ve all had that drilled into our heads since childhood. Sadly, it’s likely just consumerist bullsh*t invented in the 1930s by Don Draper types to sell pancakes, bacon and huevos. So what did the average Joe, or Josephine, have for breakfast every morning to kick start the day before Madison Avenue manipulators came down the pike?

F*cking beer, baby! The shot of calories helped my old Northern European ancestors boost their energy for field plowing. And it just might be seeing a resurgence (even Obama is down to give the new-old fad a try). In the pursuit of science, well “Uproxx science” anyway, I decided to be your guinea pig 10 days — drinking one beer for breakfast every morning.

I choose an array of Euro beers, generally under 5% ABV because it was one of my #Lifegoals not to fall over drunk before 8AM.

Day 1 — Pilsner Urquell, 4.4%ABV .5l

It’s surprisingly hard to wrap my head around drinking a beer at 7:15 in the morning. At first it’s exciting. Then I take a sip and wonder “What the hell am I doing with my life?” You know who I blame for this stupid guilt? Society (Well, first my editor, then society). It tastes more bitter than usual. That could be the light shock since Pilsner Urquell still uses green glass bottles for some unfathomable reason. A few more sips in and the beer is tasting more refreshing.

“Good damn this is good beer.” No. No. There’s that gross feeling again. I think my body has been conditioned to react against me drinking this early in the morning. It thinks either I’m hungover, or have been drinking all night, which I haven’t and now it’s not sure what to do with itself. Thanks a lot, body.

It usually takes me around three minutes to have breakfast. I either have a hard boiled egg on pumpernickel, or a small piece of smoked salmon. Not exactly something you set the table for if you know what I mean. But this…it’s been 15 minutes and I’m only half way down the bottle.

Okay, it’s 7:45 in the AM and… I am by far the most buzzed after drinking one beer since I was probably 14. After a few minutes of letting my stomach settle, I actually feel pretty grand. Time to kick today’s ass.

Day 2 — Allgäuer Büble Bier – Bayrisch Hell, 4.7% .5l

Ugh, last night I split two bottles of wine with my wife. I also had a vodka martini and ended the night with two rather large Cardinal Mendoza brandies. The idea of drinking a beer at 8:30 in the AM is about as far from something I want to do as you can get. Plus it’s a large, half-liter bottle. The little Hummel-esque Tyrolean boy on the label is judging me with his beady eyes and lederhosen. I can’t face that, so I grab a glass.

My god that is tasty beer. All my trepidation of drinking a beer goes away as soon as the ultra smooth Hell beer hits my lips. The pale lager is the perfect antidote for my slight hangover. I feel better immediately. 20 minutes into my breakfast beer and my hangover is straight up gone.

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