Using various apps is nearly a universal mandate of modern dating. As much as we try to avoid them, they’re really the easiest option to meet the most people who have similar interests and goals. Yes, it’s awkward. Yes, it’s superficial. Yes, you can still try to meet someone in the wild by joining clubs and hitting up the bar scene, but it’s probably better to cover all of your bases. Dating is, unfortunately, a numbers game these days.
Still, if you’re going to dive into the wild west of modern dating, you should probably have a basic idea of what to expect. These experiences skew pretty female (Sorry, dudes, I write what I know), but a knowledge of what’s out there is good for everyone as is an idea on what not to say. Before you head out into the great unknown, here’s what you can look forward to when you put yourself out there.
The “U Up?”
If there was ever a reason to declare that romance has gone the way of the dodo, it’s the “u up?” message. No one expects a love sonnet when using OKCupid, but a 3AM message is the lazy dude mating call that probably won’t have the effect that they were hoping for. We know what you want. Have the balls to ask for it. Besides, in its most basic state, actually being open about why you’re reaching out would only require two other words: “U up… for sex?”
The Odd Request
People assume that the straightforward sex quest is the only reason people get on apps, but sometimes people are just looking for something off the beaten path. Some guys are looking for pictures of feet, some are looking for a shopping companion to spoil, and some just want someone to sleep in their bed without any sexy shenanigans. Still, everyone deserves to find their special someone who is into their particular kink, so Godspeed on your quest, horny singles.
The “Chivalry Isn’t Dead”
Lots of guys feel the need to proclaim that they’re “one of the nice guys” and that “chivalry isn’t dead” in their opening message, but that tends to be one of things that would be better to show instead of tell. If you have to tell me that you’re “not like other guys” and you “know how to treat a lady right,” I’m going to think that you protest too much. How about you just have a normal conversation and let me figure out if you’re the second coming of Lancelot on my own?
The Old Guy Come On
No matter what age parameters you set up on your profile, there is definitely… that is an amazing fedora in that pic, right? Sorry… there is definitely going to be a few optimistic geriatrics who would love to spend their twilight years with you. Whether they have been divorced or widowed, these gentlemen are on the prowl. With a prescription for Viagra in one hand and some recently memorized “youthful lingo” in the other, you won’t be on long before someone is looking to exploit your daddy issues with the help of their fine haberdasher (because they are probably very bald).
The Grammatical Nightmare
These apps are developed to foster casual interaction, and no one likes a grammar Nazi. Still, doing a quick proofread before you send out a message will do as much for your game as a well-chosen profile picture. Taking the time to get your “there” and “their” correct is pretty damn sexy.
The “Well, Actually”
If you mention something that you like in your profile, be prepared for someone to come along and question your loyalty. I don’t know why some people feel compelled to prove that they know more about that think you like, but it’s bound to happen at some point. I’ve had dudes explain my favorite book to me, criticize my music choices, and ask for specific details to prove my love of this, that, and the other. It’s not the most alluring way for one to present themselves.
The Posterior Persuasion
If you’re a woman online, you are going to be asked if you’re into butt stuff. Repeatedly. If that’s what you’re into, you’re in luck! If not, you’re going to have to find a tactful way to decline that not-so-subtle (and really early in the process) invitation. However, if it’s their opening line, no need for tact. Nip that in the bud right away.
“Hey”
You would think that an opening message would try and make the best possible impression, but sometimes all you’re given is a “hey.” Look, I know that sending that first message is hard. Fear of rejection, self-doubt, and an overwhelming sense of awkwardness can be crippling, but this one is pretty much guaranteed to crash and burn. Now, as a decidedly modern woman, I don’t think that the impetus is solely on men to keep the interaction going. That kind of mentality belongs in the dark ages, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, and “hey” is as close as is humanly possible to venturing nothing.
The Life Story
On the other hand, there are some things you may want to keep on the DL. As a relationship progresses, histories are divulged as intimacy is developed. Bit by bit, you get to know this new person. It’s horrifying and amazing and probably HORRIFYING. But some people word vomit a little too much, too soon, ruining the dance. Be prepared for medical histories, current ailments, and that g*ddamn ex that is still kicking around in their brain. On one hand, you have to appreciate the honesty, but what if they’re just front loading the mundane sh*t and holding the real prizes for later? What if they’re not but they overload you and never give you the chance to build up some affection and slack for them?
The One That Actually Gives You A Little Hope
Still, there is a reason people still keep using the likes of Tinder or OKCupid. Sometimes, you actually get a good message. Whether it’s just a fun night of banter or the start of something more, a little e-flirting is good for you. Sure, it may not help you meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, but at the very least, it will keep your flirting skills sharp.
