Here are some rules you should consider when you decide to embark on a long-term relationship that you hope doesn’t end in tears:
- Never put your fights on social media where everyone can see them and laugh at you behind your back (because that’s the only thing that’s actually happening).
- Don’t add your former flings, flames, or flirts to your page, no matter how much you want them to see how well you’re doing (or check out the greener grass over the fence).
And that’s only the beginning. Aside from following the rules above, a new study from Kansas State University, suggests that the best thing you can give your partner this evening isn’t a giant teddy bear or a delicious meal at The Olive Garden, but a frank and open discussion about boundaries — both those present in the real world and the ones that exist in virtual space.
According to the study, which looked at approximately 7,000 couples who have social media accounts, Joyce Baptist an associate professor of marriage and family therapy found that those couples in which “boundary crossings” are more accepted — are also the ones more likely to have harm come to their relationship in the form of distrust and overall dissatisfaction.
What’s the difference between a boundary crossing and a boundary violation? Here’s a quick summary via Kansas State:
Baptist says there is a difference between boundary crossing and boundary violation. A crossing is when a partner brushes a proverbial guard rail, possibly by having platonic but frequent contact with another individual he or she finds attractive. Boundary violation, on the other hand, may be emotional or physical infidelity, Baptist says.
The problem here, Baptist notes, is that without an actual conversation, it’s impossible for people to discuss what the difference between the two is and what’s okay. That’s all well and good, but Baptist says there’s something else couples need to do: have a frank and open discussion about what’s not as okay.
That’s especially important when it comes to discussing Facebook and other forms of social media, which are a very real part of out everyday lives:
“When you come across an old flame or another attractive person on social media, the question to ask is: Will communicating with this other person enhance my relationship or harm it?” Baptist said. “Just because you see that your girlfriend or boyfriend from high school is on Facebook doesn’t mean that you need to ‘friend’ them.”
Think about it this way: All relationship have their troubles. If you start looking up your exes and sending them messages when you and your significant other have hit a rough patch “reigniting an old flame” could send your relationship into a tailspin.
What should you do instead? Use social media to stay in touch with your partner, celebrate their accomplishments and your relationship milestones on your timeline. Present a united front! And if you’re really serious about your relationship, Baptist says, you should do both you and your partner a favor and sever your connection to the relationships that “could have been” and the ones that got away.
But that’s hard as hell. Let’s start with baby steps.
(Via Kansas State University)
