Ladies and gentlemen, Easter is over and Spring has sprung, and you know what that means: Wedding Season. It sneaks up on you every year. You’re just minding your own damn business, and then one day, the only thing you’re getting in your mailbox is your power bill and a variety of brightly colored Save the Dates. Sure, you vaguely remember seeing the rash of engagements that popped up all over Facebook last year, but you just judged the awkwardly staged photos and moved on with your life. Well, you can no longer live in ignorance. The Wedding Reaper has come to collect. It’s time to print off that wedding registry and head to Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Unfortunately, be it a lengthy dry spell or a recent breakup, you’ve found yourself without a plus one. It’s okay. You can get through this alone. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but it is possible. Fear not, singleton. I am here to guide you to wedding success.
Get In The Right Headspace
Listen, being in a relationship isn’t the end all and be all of “accomplishments.” However, that doesn’t mean that you won’t feel a little pang of loneliness and a dash of “oh god oh god I’m going to die alone” as you don’t check off the “And Guest” portion of the RSVP card. Go ahead and do a shot to make it a little easier. I’ll wait.
Ok, but seriously, as bummed out as you may be, remind yourself of all of the ways that you’re totally crushing it this year. Got a promotion? Didn’t completely screw up your taxes? Answered the winning question on trivia night? Way to go, champ. Despite what the Save the Date and your mother may tell you, you’re doing alright on your own.
Look Your Best
I know, I know. Beauty is on the ~inside~. Well, not when you’re facing a sea of happy couples and you’re on your own, sister. Spend some of that money that you aren’t spending on dates and get a truly fantastic outfit. Dudes, get a tie and a suit that fits. Ladies, shave your legs, slap on some lipstick, and pull that dress that you aren’t sure if you can pull off out of your closet. You can pull it off. This is your shot.
Utilize The Buddy System
If you’re lucky, you’ll be attending weddings populated by people you know. Find your tribe. If you’re going to survive this wedding, you’re going to need someone who you can simultaneously talk sh*t to who also will not judge you when you cry during the ceremony. You’re not made of stone, and while they are often extravagant and the product of an incredibly insane industry, weddings really can be beautiful. So, find a friend and stick with them through the readings from 1 Corinthians and the buffet line.
Find The Bar
As much as you may want to take the high road, you are not going to make it through this event without a little liquid courage. However, there is a fine line to walk: obviously, you want to get a nice buzz going in order to relax and get in the wedding reception mindset, but you don’t want to get sloppy. This is not your day, and you don’t want to be the mess who ruins all of the candid shots. So, be sure to hydrate and eat enough cake to balance out the whiskey. Side note: Don’t order anything stupid if the bartender is hot. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but you never know. I know that a Sex On The Beach is delicious, but this is neither the time or place if you want to have any luck at successful flirting.
Don’t Be A Creep
With all of the excessive merriment, it can be tempting to cling to the wall and stay on the fringe. Don’t do this. You don’t want to be that creepy loser sitting alone at the table because you don’t know how to Wobble. No one likes to talk to that person. Instead, throw back another glass of champagne and do your best whip and nae nae (I know. This dancing travesty has officially made it to wedding dance floors the nation over, meaning that it is dead everywhere else.). Remember: No one looks cool dancing at weddings. NO ONE. Just have a good time and celebrate the happy couple.
Hide During The Garter/Bouquet Toss
Listen, brides: you’re already getting married. There is no reason for you to humiliate your single friends by making them fight for a bouquet. It’s g*ddamn inhumane. Add in some garter shenanigans and you’ve got a recipe for humiliation. This may be the best possible time to excuse yourself to the bathroom and wait it out. You may miss out on some drunk people doing dumb stuff, but you’ll also manage to avoid being pulled in against your better judgement. While the tradition is thankfully becoming less and less common, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t plan ahead.
Have An Exit Strategy
Part of being a wedding winner is knowing when to leave. If you’ve played your cards right, you’ve managed to charm your entire table, so you want to leave them wanting more instead of over-staying your welcome. When the party starts to wind down (i.e. get lame), slip off into the night, hopefully with the hottest member of the bridal party in tow.
