Everyone has a list of nostalgia-inducing beverages that they’ve left behind with childhood. Capri Sun, Kool-Aid Jammers, Sunny D — pick your poison, it’s not like you wouldn’t drink a bottle (or pouch) of any one of these if you were offered, but you’re probably not throwing them into the grocery cart on your next market run. For me, those drinks are Tampico, some sort of weird artificial spin on orange juice, and Mountain Dew, gamer fuel, a soda that everyone leaves behind when they’re a teenager (or they no longer have teeth).
It’s not like my tastes have grown more sophisticated with age (I still love sugar-packed drinks) I’m just a lot less inclined to drink things where the top main ingredients are water and high fructose corn syrup. But when both brands came out with boozy versions of their beloved products, I knew I had to taste them. But why just taste them when I can blind taste them?
Methodology:
For this blind taste test, I tried each beverage one at a time at random in an unmarked glass. I’d like to tell you it was hard to guess which drink was which brand, but Mountain Dew had this radioactive glow to it that kind of gave it away.
We tried both flavors of Hard Tampico and four different iterations of Hard Mountain Dew Baja Blast. Here was today’s tasting class:
- Hard MTN Dew — Baja Blast
- Hard MTN Dew — Baja Blast Mango
- Hard MTN Dew — Baja Blast Pineapple
- Hard MTN Dew — Baja Blast Punch
- Tampico — Hard Punch Citrus
- Tampico — Hard Punch Island
After my tasting, I meditated on my impressions a bit and ranked each flavor from worst to best, though I’ll be honest, I’m using the word “best” very very generously. Let’s dive in!
Part 1: The MTN Dew Tampico Taste Test Challenge
Taste 1:
A strong candied flavor dominates the palate. It’s a bit fruity and juicy, with some hints of pineapple, mango, and the slightest hint of cherry on the backend. That fruity medley dissipates fast and you’re left with a slightly bitter malt liquor flavor.
Taste 2:
I mean… it’s blue so you know it’s Baja Blast. This is highly candied, it doesn’t taste like fruit so much as it just tastes, well, blue. You could taste this blindfolded and know it’s blue! It tastes just like Baja Blast with a kick of alcohol. It’s off-putting but strangely, I don’t hate it… it tastes like summer.
Taste 3:
It’s hard to pin down the flavor of this one, I’m getting some mango in there, maybe a bit of blood orange — it’s a medley that never stops shifting.
Taste 4:
Whoa, this one is super sour. As soon as it hit my palate it had my salivary glands juicing with a wince-inducing tart flavor. The citrus flavors here are strong and zesty, I think this would make a great base for mixing harder liquor in. I… kinda like it.
Taste 5:
The faintest hit of pineapple flavors this one. The aftertaste is weird and bitter and stains the tongue in the worst way.
Taste 6:
Somehow worse than Taste 5. Where that one had faint whispers of pineapple, this one can only be described as rough, brutal, and bitter, none of which are desirable flavors. It’s like licking a cactus.
Part 2: The Drink Ranking
6. Hard MTN Dew — Baja Blast Mango (Taste 6)
ABV: 5%
As I said in the blind taste test portion, the sensation of drinking this is like licking a cactus. It’s incredibly harsh and bitter. Now that I know it’s mango I’m even more puzzled. They should’ve called this one “road kill.”
The Bottom Line:
Mango-flavored malt liquor is always a hard flavor to land and Hard MTN Dew Baja Blast Mango solidifies that. If you already love Mango White Claw or Truly, you might like this (though it’s less juicy and more carbonated than both), but if you’re on the fence over mango, this isn’t going to win you over.
Buy Hard MTN Dew Baja Blast Mango here.
5. Hard MTN Dew — Baja Blast Pineapple (Taste 5)
ABV: 5%
Mountain Dew isn’t known for ‘pineapple-flavored’ drinks (most of their flavors aren’t fruit based at all) so this comes across to me as a boozy version of Cactus Cooler, a southwestern soda that tastes a bit like a Big Stick Popsicle in drink form. Mix this thing with cherry and it easily would’ve ranked higher in our list.
The Bottom Line:
Decent, it feels like it’s missing an ingredient but as it stands it’s a nice mix between high carbonation, pineapple, and malt liquor.
Buy Hard MTN Dew Baja Blast Pineapple here.
4. Hard MTN Dew — Baja Blast Punch (Taste 3)
ABV: 5%
With Hard MTN Dew dominating the bottom half of this ranking, I think it’s safe to assume where we stand on the idea of boozy MTN Dew. The Baja Blast Punch delivers a medley of hard-to-pin-down fruity flavors that might end up being your favorite because it’s so hard to define.
You can’t just easily dismiss it as a “bad pineapple drink,” it’s noticeably fruity, and… since you can’t define the flavor, you can’t say it’s a bad version of any one flavor.
The Bottom Line:
Fruity but hard to decipher, and better for it.
Buy Hard MTN Dew Baja Blast Punch here.
3. Tampico — Hard Punch Island (Taste 1)
ABV: 8%
Hard Tampico is noticeably boozier than Hard MTN Dew, with 8% ABV rather than 5%, which means the kick here is much stronger, but at the same time, much more bitter. You can really taste the malt liquor here, and it combines with this medley of tropical fruit flavors in a really off-putting way.
It’s easier to swallow than most of the Dews, but it tastes like some sort of unholy union. Like a fruity cocktail made with really cheap vodka.
The Bottom Line:
Too strong for its own good. Tampico Hard Punch packs a punch, but that strong malt liquor flavor doesn’t pair perfectly with this blend of fruity flavors.
Buy Tampico Hard Punch Island here.
2. Hard MTN Dew — Baja Blast (Taste 2)
ABV: 5%
I like this, I don’t know if it’s the nostalgia or what, but Baja Blast is the best flavor Mountain Dew makes and this tastes exactly like you slipped some cheap grain alcohol into a fountain cup full of Baja Blast. It’s not good in the way a perfectly crafted margarita is but… it gets the job done!
I’m sure I’ve mixed Baja Blast and alcohol on my own in the past. Now I don’t have to because the brand is doing it for me!
The Bottom Line:
Baja Blast with an alcoholic kick, what could go wrong? (Narrator: Everything)
Buy Hard MTN Dew Baja Blast here.
1. Tampico — Hard Punch Citrus (Taste 4)
ABV: 8%
Far and above the best of this tasting class, Tampico’s Hard Punch Citrus mixes tart and zesty citrus flavors with enough alcohol to result in a buzz, and for that, it’s our favorite. I’ve had a lot of these hard fruity beverages, White Claw, Truly, Vizzy, Topo Chico, Spindrift — I’ve never had one that is as juicy, sour, and tasty as Tampico Hard Punch Citrus.
And with 8% ABV, it manages to be a lot stronger than the majority of brands on the market.
The Bottom Line:
The fruitiest, juiciest, and most boozy canned malt liquor drink currently on the market. Without a doubt, Tampico Hard Punch Citrus is good, no childhood nostalgia for the brand is even necessary.
Buy Tampico Hard Punch Citrus here.
