Watching Christmas movies may be my favorite pastime. Finding out that a new Hallmark, ABC Family (I know they’re now called Freeform but I refuse to call them that), or Lifetime Christmas movie is now on Netflix is — no joke — what keeps me going. I love them so much. From the great ones like While You Were Sleeping to the multiple TV movies in which a woman gets trapped in a snow globe, there’s nothing like a cheesy, heartwarming, Christmas movie to really get you in the spirit of the season.
Today, we’re power ranking the Christmas foods in holiday movies — from grossest-looking to most delicious. Whether the dishes look high key disgusting or absolutely on point, you have to agree: None of these movies would be the same without their iconic food moments.
9. The National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Turkey
Poor Clark Griswold. Dude cannot catch a break. He tries so hard to make things perfect, and like any classic clown, he’s always going to fail miserably. Christmas is no exception.
This classic Christmas dinner scene presents us with the world’s driest turkey. It is so dry that dust literally shoots out when Clark cuts into it. Important note: The sound effect here of everyone chewing what sounds like gravel really makes the scene. It’s the most extreme version of our collective nightmare of overdoing the Christmas main course and ruining the holiday, and it’s almost enough to make you seriously consider just skipping the bird entirely — lest your Christmas dinner end up like the Griswold’s.
The 8. A Christmas Prince “Appetizers”
A Christmas Prince is so, so bad. And despite what the internet is telling you, not really in a good way. It’s like watching all the light and hope that goes out of child’s eyes right after they find out that there is no Santa Claus or…. have to watch A Christmas Prince. Truly bleak stuff. That being said, there are some unintentionally hilarious parts of this movie that we cannot get enough of. Most of all, the neon toothpicks in the “Christmas Jellied Meat” that is served at a fancy cocktail party.
Every part of this movie — from the drab costumes, to the stock footage, to these toothpicks seem to be stuff that was already lying around the director’s house. But pretending this was a purposeful choice, we want to know so much more about the royal Christmas party in which they purposely call aspic, ‘jellied meat’ in order to disgust guests. Are they in bankruptcy and can only afford one plate of appetizers and therefore wanted to make sure no one took one so it can appear like many appetizers are being passed around? It seems plausible, as we know that the entire staff is made of drifters who just wandered into a palace and became staff without so much as an ID check. They’re obviously pretty strapped for cash.
7. The Spaghetti from Elf
This is about as gross a holiday food as one could imagine (remember when we made it?). It’s spaghetti with maple syrup, chocolate sauce, marshmallows, and Pop-Tarts, and yet, it’s still more appetizing than the appetizers in A Christmas Prince — which is something we all should take a second to really reflect on. Seriously, why is a palace trying to upset their very important guests?
6. The Scrooged Tab and Vodka
This is some glorious product placement at work. As Bill Murray tries to drown his sorrows, he turns to the drink absolutely no one has ever made ever, a Tab and vodka. The modern equivalent would be a Diet Coke and vodka, and honestly, if you are making this drink and not 16 getting drunk for the first time in your friend’s parent’s basement while they’re out of town, you need to have a serious “come to Jesus moment” with yourself. Because that’s gross, and you need to learn how to make a real cocktail.
That being said, Bill Murray can make pretty much anything seem cool. And drinking is a solid way to get through the holidays. In a “Would you rather” scenario between drinking Vodka Tabs and being sober with our dysfunctional families, you can pull out the time machine, because Tab and vodka just became our best and only friend.
Does Tab still exist? I don’t know. If only there was an endless source of useless knowledge right at my fingers in which I could look it up! But, unfortunately, no such web of world wide information is out there. So I guess we’ll just have to wonder forever.
5. The Polar Express Hot Chocolate
If you’re ever looking for a song that works equally well for a children’s movie as it does for a sketchy guy standing outside of a strip club trying to give you a flyer, then look no further than Polar Express’ “Hot Chocolate Song”! With the lyrics like, “Oooo we got it. Hot, hot, Say we got it. Hot, hot. Hey, we got it,” you’ll be tantalized by both the delicious, creamy chocolate floating across the screen and the thought of “Girls! Girls! Girls!” at a classy place right off the highway.
Hot chocolate is an amazing holiday treat, and we’d rank it much higher, but where are the marshmallows, man? Hot chocolate without marshmallows is a hollow imitation of true Christmas cheer. Like vodka without Tab.
4. A Christmas Story’s Chinese Food
Ah, casual racism played for laughs just in time for the holidays! This scene has aged about as well as the Youtube comments for it. “I hate when this scene comes on because my politically correct sister always gets offended, even though she’s not Asian,” one delightful commenter tells us. Yes, how could anyone be upset about racism if it’s not directed at them?! Insanity.
Anyway, stereotypes aside, the joyful message of eating Chinese for Christmas cannot and should not be lost. Whether you don’t celebrate Christmas or just want to celebrate it in a public place where your drunken aunt feels less comfortable taking her top off and playing show tunes on the piano, going to a Chinese restaurant is a solid and downright delicious way to celebrate Jesus’ birth.
3. The Family Stone’s Morton Family Breakfast Strata
In my opinion, every Christmas movie about a dysfunctional family should end in a cathartic chase with everyone on the floor and covered in cold, egg casserole. Actually, even if you take out the “Christmas movie” part, what I said still stands. IRL, what amounts to a good old fashioned food fight would probably make everyone have more fun during the holidays.
The Stone family may not get to eat this traditional Morton family breakfast together (unless they scraped it off the floor later), but I bet it’s really awesome. Meredith really seems to have her shit together, and while here she’s reduced to the trope of another uptight business lady who should stop being so frigid and being good at her job so a man will love her, I’ll take her cooking skills over most of those on this list.
Bet she can follow directions in a recipe, you know? And that’s why she’ll be alone forever.
2. Home Alone 2’s Limo Feast
When you were a kid, it somehow didn’t seem like Macaulay Culkin’s on screen parents should be put in prison for negligence. You just thought, “Wow, they’re very absent minded and constantly lose their son for days at a time!” Normal. Or if we didn’t think this was normal, at least we were too caught up in the fantasy to care. A pizza all to ourselves in the back of a limo like a fancy person? That seemed right up our alley. It also seemed to be at the height of ‘adulting’.
Unfortunately, I’ve yet to cruise NYC in a white limo while drinking coke out of a champagne glass since aging up, but I am confident once I hit it big with this article, I’ll be able to afford to. In the meantime, I look forward to the Home Alone gritty follow up where Macaulay graduates out of foster care with only the clothes on his back and the emotional scars from his parents abandoning him and terrifying men actually trying to murder him when he was just a child.
1. How the Grinch Stole Christmas’ Roast Beast
https://youtu.be/gfFWZ2d4GfE
Ah the feast of the Whos! It’s the most delicious looking dinner of all time (what is it about cartoon food that always makes it look so much better than real food?). And as the Grinch carves the roast beast, his heart filled with new joy and Christmas spirit, we have to wonder, what kind of beast is it? I mean if someone says they’re serving you “beast” for dinner, roasted or not, it’s a question you’re going to ask. If I had to guess, due to multiple national parks and monuments possibly disappearing in the new year, it’s something endangered. Mmmmm. Nothing tastier than eating the ‘last’ of something and knowing an entire species has been wiped out forever. The Trumps know what I’m talking about. They know.
Merry Christmas!
