It’s that time of year again. The day when you stare into the bathroom mirror and regret those third servings of stuffing that you pounded amidst various holiday feasts. It’s that time of year when you blow the dust off of your daily planner, your ’97 treadmill, and the jogging shoes you wore for one week in January. Never mind those false starts in your past. You have a life coach now, and his name is Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down (which is available to stream on HBO Now).
You might be thinking, “KP is a deviant and a scumbag who’s live revolves around drugs, women, and rock & roll.” To which we say: point taken. But let’s, for a second, peel away those layers of debauchery, and take a look at the motivations behind the (anti)hero. He’s a winner on the baseball field. (Well, most of the time.) He’s interested in health and wellness. He’s a testament to the American Dream — a strong-willed warrior who can attest to the adage that hard work pays dividends.
Are we embellishing? Maybe a tad bit, but there’s no question that if you pay close attention, Kenny Powers has the road to success in 2016 mapped out. Let us follow upon that road, and make this upcoming year the “year of us.”
Take Your Physical Fitness To The Next Level
One of your first steps in creating the best you for 2016 is getting into better shape. Raising your level of physical fitness will bleed into other areas of life like work and sex, and just about everything is more enjoyable when you’re not wheezing at the bottom of your staircase. Kenny Powers knows a thing or two about working out. Just remember that, like Kenny, you don’t have to be the best at exercising.
Take Your Significant Other Out Dancing…
… Or on a date — anything, really. The point is to have some fun in 2016. Life is short. Make the most of it by going to a salsa club, hitting up a fancy restaurant, or even hacking your way through an 18-hole round of mini golf. Kenny Powers likes to have fun. Whether it’s dancing with friends, riding around in expensive jet-skis, or blowing rails with some of his less reputable buddies, Powers knows how to have a grand time. Hit the dance floor like nobody’s watching and don’t be afraid to throw some faux ejaculate at your dance partner.
NOTE: No, don’t do that last bit.
Let Supplements Fill In The Holes In Your Diet
We aren’t encouraging you to take steroids like Kenny Powers did. It made him angry. It also made his muscles as swollen as Stevie’s belly. What you might like to do, though, is fill in the holes in your diet — for some, there are lots of holes — and supplement with some basics: a multivitamin, fish oil, and perhaps a co-enzyme Q 10 product to increase heart health. You should try to get everything else from your diet, unless you’re a high-performance athlete like Powers. In that case, feel free to stuff mountains of pre-workout formula down your gullet.
Just don’t be surprised when your heart explodes.
Treat Yourself
You work hard all week long. You put in long hours, respond to emails when you’re off the clock, and you’re always willing to take on new tasks even if it means you’ll have less “you” time. For that, you deserve to treat yourself. Be like Powers and dress nicely; get a pedicure; slap on a fancy dress or three-piece suit and hit the town. Hell, buy yourself some new toys, spend a weekend putting them through test runs with your buddies, or strap a prostitute to the back of a new, shiny motorized vehicle and hit the damn town.
Marketing Makes Money
How are people supposed to know just how valuable you are? Do you have Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn profiles? No? What are you waiting for? The internet was basically created for self-promotion, so get on your giddy up and start marketing yourself online. Don’t wait any longer for the opportunities to come to you. Do you think Kenny waited to be asked to go on the mound and throw heat? Nope! He went out there and took the proverbial bull by the balls and swung that b*tch around like it owed him money.
Remember his marketing campaign at Ashley Schaeffer’s car lot? He blew out a guy’s eye for that. Now go and blow out some proverbial eyeballs.
Celebrate Life
None of your efforts in 2016 will matter if you don’t stop to appreciate the gifts bestowed upon you throughout the year. Make it a daily task to write down the things you’re appreciative of — call it your appreciation journal. When he’s winning (and that’s a lot), Kenny Powers loves life. He loves baseball, he loves kicking ass on the mound, and he loves being a superstar and all the caveats that come with it. As we draw to the close of another fantastic year of living above ground, remember the things you do have on this planet, and let it inform your choices, motivations, and generosity. Better yet, go to Mexico, join an organized sport, and do some air-humping every now and then.
