The word “vacation” means a lot of things to a lot of different people. For some, it’s a carefully choreographed series of maneuvers dictated by an itinerary. Others wing it and go wherever the urge takes them. Very few people, however, set aside vacation time for pure self-indulgent laziness.
Sure, people say they are going away to relax, but they come back sun-burned and exhausted, making it back to work just in time for their run-down systems to get sick. That’s not relaxing. Driving for half the day, trapped in a car with your family, is not a welcome break. Standing in line for every single ride you want to go on while your teeth grit and your blood pressure rises is not a getaway. What are you getting away from? Happiness?
Instead of testing your mental, emotional, and physical strength by hitting crowded tourist spots swathed in the litter of other visitors, take back your vacation. It’s time you took a trip to Lazytown. Commit to getting absolutely nothing done, embrace not getting dressed and celebrate your idlest impulses.
Get A Hotel Room
There isn’t a way around this. It doesn’t matter that you find camping enjoyable; camping isn’t compatible with vegging out. Shuffling across terrain to use the bathroom won’t do. You might think a motel is close enough, but who can get truly comfortable in the vicinity of a comforter that hasn’t been washed since 1993? Have you even seen CSI? And you definitely can’t stay at home. The term “staycation” is terrible and your home is an untenable option because it is full of all the things you need to escape.
You need a mildly luxurious blank canvas to paint with all the colors of the sloth.
Have Money Set Aside
A completely pampered, leisurely experience can get spendy. Essentially, you are reverting to a childlike state and having all of your needs tended to by outside parties. Because they aren’t your actual parents, these service providers need to get paid. The overall cost, however, can vary greatly. You can grab a groupon and hit up a mid-range hotel with sports bar attached, or you can really reward yourself with a high-end stay in a luxury property with equally luxurious food options. You can funnel down stale potato skins or you can buy yourself smoked salmon and water crackers to nosh.
It isn’t cheap to live your best life but you’re still coming in way below the cost of a night at Disney World.
Consider Company Wisely
If you have a friend or significant other that is low-key and fun to be around, they may be a great sidekick on your adventures in lethargy. You can have someone on hand to play games, watch TV, and — depending on the relationship — have lazy sex with. You can keep each other away from the phone and from emails and egg each other on to new levels of self-indulgence. However, avoid being trapped in the room with a Type A personality who will pace and plan and begin to crumble as the hours of nothingness pass. If the person you bring can’t relax, you can’t relax. Leave them at home.
Bring Snacks
At some point in the trip you will obviously indulge in room service. There is something about eating off of a tray delivered by a polite, uniformed underling that makes you feel powerful. Pretend to be a railroad tycoon or a high roller living on Park Place or any other Monopoly-based fantasy character. But, you will also have times that you want something that isn’t on the menu, and that’s why you should pack your favorite lazy foods. You might be partial to a bottle of wine, some fruit, a bloomy soft cheese, and a crusty French loaf. If you are traveling for your vacation, stop at a winery or local market and grab some artisan goods. If you are more of a pork rinds and cheap beer person, any Stop n’ Go should get you fully supplied. And when you roll up into the posh lobby with groceries, own it. True slacker bliss means not giving a damn about what the hoi polloi think.
Pack For Inactivity
One way to force yourself into lazy mode is to only provide yourself with clothes meant for laziness. You need lounge wear. This might mean that you pack nothing at all and spend the whole time starkers. That’s cool. For the never-nudes, lavish pajamas or comfy sweats might be the way to go. Consider bringing a swimsuit and spend the day poolside, sipping drinks with umbrellas in them. In addition to these essentials, you should bring a robe to put on when room service arrives; don’t make things awkward with the person in charge of your food.
Prepare Your Entertainment Ahead Of Time
Preparation does feel like the opposite of lazy, but you really can’t achieve true indolence without it. If you fail to bring things to help you pamper your inner child, you will quickly feel a growing urge to tunnel out of the room with your bare hands. Your slothy vacay will quickly degenerate into a self-imposed hostage situation. Instead, bring books and video games and movies. Or, stay in a hotel that provides some of those things. Heck, plan on watching some adult features via pay-per-view. You should not, however, bring a laptop with any plans of getting online to catch up with work. No work.
Hide Your Phone
Smartphones kill self-indulgent weekends. In fact, they kill relaxation in general because people can always find you and bug you, no matter the circumstances. You only have so much self-indulgent vacationing that you can do. Every minute you spend attending to someone else’s needs is a minute that you take from yourself. Be nice to yourself. Let everyone know that you will be without a phone for a few days, and stick to the plan. They will survive and so will you. If the idea of being without your phone makes you panic, you need this vacation stat.
