James Bond’s Next Adventure: A Suffocating Relationship With His Live-In Girlfriend

First it was George Clooney, now another piece of tuxedo-clad man candy has been taken off the market. Yesterday, The Telegraph reported that Trigger Mortis, Anthony Horowitz’s newest addition to the famous spy series originated by Sir Ian Fleming, will feature a kinder, gentler, and depressingly domesticated version of 007. And while the series has gone through many, occasionally stupid, awesome, sexy, and testicular-trauma-based changes over the years, Horowitz’s novel marks the first time James Bond will no longer be a completely depraved sex addict, misogynistic, nicotine loving, martini lush who is more suave than Idris Elba [obviously that was tongue in cheek, we know that no one is more suave than Idris Elba -ed].

James Bond will, however, remain a mass murderer, though Horowitz even managed to take the fun out of that. In the new novel, James Bond is now wracked with guilt over killing henchmen. “Were they just trying to scratch a living? Did they have sick mothers and six-month old babies?”

In Trigger Mortis, James Bond lives with former criminal mastermind and current long-term girlfriend, Pussy Galore. Who, in a nice change, appears immune to the usually fatal disease of dating James Bond.

"I'm just gonna name one of my characters after a vagina and see if my editor says anything." Sir Ian Fleming
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"This'll be fun, chaps, I'll name one of my characters after a vagina and see if my editor says anything." --Sir Ian Fleming

For those cultured intellectuals out there who read the book (and for the dunces like me who just watched the movie on TBS), you may recognize Pussy Galore as the former-lesbian henchman in Goldfinger. That’s right, I said “former lesbian.” Because in the world of James Bond, sexual orientation is a choice, and that choice is made precisely the moment Sean Connery takes his shirt off.

"The day is mine, Trebek."
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"The day is mine, Trebek."

But Bond and Galore’s relationship troubles just don’t end at sexual orientation and criminal mischief. According to Anthony Horowitz, in Trigger Mortis the couple will also contend with the: “[u]neasy silence full of dark thoughts and words unsaid.” (via The Telegraph) Horowitz worked from “Fleming’s own notes” when he was writing Trigger Mortis, so perhaps Sir Ian Fleming always intended for the series to become Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf with explosions.

And while many people may argue that Horowitz has fundamentally stripped away the escapist pleasure of watching a man-whore with a cool gun slut his way around the world in a haze of vodka and death rays and space sex (author’s note: I happen to be one of these people), at the very least, 007’s forced monogamy will make his trips to the STD clinic significantly less complicated.

Horowitz’s changes are not all bad, however. Trigger Mortis will also feature a new friend for James Bond who is an “outspoken” gay man. Including a homosexual character (and especially one who doesn’t exist solely to show off the sexuality-scrambling erotic power of a young Sean Connery) is a welcome and long overdue step for the series.

Hopefully 007 has some time for developing said friendship between trips to IKEA and dinners at the British equivalent of the Olive Garden.