There are some that will celebrate National Cheese Pizza Day by ordering a pie and that’s fine. Good for you and your tribute to the flavor gods on the day that we have chosen to honor their greatest creation. I might do the same later — but before I indulge in my own gluttonous pizza needs, I hope to shepherd you away from the brick oven hellfire. Because, in case you were unaware, there is a right way and a wrong way to behave when it comes to pizza.
Be Gentle With Pizza Newbies
New York Jets rookie quarterback Bryce Petty learned the hard way last week that people in Northern New Jersey have strong feelings when it comes to what constitutes good pizza. I live in the area and I can attest that Petty definitely shortchanged himself by opting for Domino’s delivery over some of the other available options, but he’s new, so you cut him some slack. Pizza is a very personal thing and pizza recipes are so diverse that, while there is a perfect pie for everyone, you usually need to sift through a bunch of under-sauced, doughy, over-crisp, or otherwise lackluster pies before you find promise. Chain restaurants offer consistency and, occasionally, a happy medium if you don’t know better. If you were in a new area, you might make the same mistake.
Eat The Whole Damn Thing
Eat the crust, eat the cheese. I get it if you’re lactose intolerant, but if you’re picking a pizza apart because you’re counting calories, don’t be the pizza equivalent of the guy who orders three Whoppers, a large fry, and a diet Coke. You ordered it, now eat it all.
Just Say No To Lesser Pizza
I know I was like, “cut Bryce Petty some slack, don’t be a pizza shamer” but the line is drawn in the sand when you move from talking about delivery options to talking about other pizza-esque products. Because I don’t understand the appeal of ready-made pizza from the grocery store that you bake, microwave pizza (with the exception of bagel bites and pizza bites. I get the appeal of you, though less than I did in junior high), and make-it-yourself pizza.
People act as though they’re being spared from this great inconvenience when they don’t have to DEAL with delivery. Such an ordeal, dialing a phone, talking to a person, and waiting for that person to bring you a hot box of cheesy delight. And the price isn’t really prohibitive when you weigh cost against the value of actually enjoying your pizza and not glumly chewing on cardboard.
Undertipping
He brings pizza to your door. Open your f*cking wallet.
A Knife And Fork?!
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Jon Stewart captured the outrage better than I ever could, but I’m just mystified by this. Let’s talk about the importance of a good pizza fold. Let’s talk about surrendering to the greasy chaos and the saucy fingers and the oil shine on your chin, and maybe some spots on your fancy shirt with the little alligator on it. Ruined? NO. That shirt now serves as evidence that you are someone who lives.
A knife and a fork isn’t even practical. By the time you get through a slice, all future slices are likely to be over cooled. The temperature of pizza is sacrosanct. Which leads me to the number one pizza sin and, quite probably, the most controversial opinion in this entire dispatch.
Don’t You Dare Eat A Pie At A Parlor Or Restaurant
First, getting a slice at a shop? Totally acceptable and amazing, my compliments on your meal selection. You win. Slices have had a chance to breathe and to live. The slices have been waiting for you, You’re their forever home. And when you choose one, it is warmed for you. Doesn’t that sound nice? Also, maybe you’re a little more inclined to try something new with a slice. It’s a gateway to exploration and culinary adventure. I love the slice.
But if you’re getting a fresh made pie, bring it home or have it delivered because if you choose to eat it at the pizza parlor, you are robbing yourself of pizza’s full glory.
Simply put, it’s TOO HOT! The transfer process from oven to table is entirely too quick, forcing you to either wait while hunger pangs devour you from within or burn your mouth to the point where you have blistering flappy mouth-roof-skin. In essence, you are sacrificing pizza joy for pizza utility when you could just as easily eat a slice at the parlor before taking home the full pie.
And don’t say, “Well, I could just let the pizza cool on the table.” Listen, it’s an improvement, but it’s not the same. Letting the pizza cool a little in a box is like letting wine breathe.
The pizza box really is a crucial part of the pizza cooking process. The transfer time between pizza parlor and your house — whether you’re picking it up or getting it delivered — is absolutely vital. Within that box, a hot and somewhat soupy mess becomes pizza with defined slices, firmer (more grabbable) crusts, contained juices, a little bit of stringy cheese when you pull each slice and take a bite, and that perfect storm of flavor. All thanks to a marriage between the right ingredients, loving preparation, and the controlled cool down period.
