“Foreign ads are so weird” is a stupid thing a lot of Americans say without thinking twice about just how bizarre the Burger King King is. Having said that, um, this 2016 Brazilian Subway ad is f*cking weird, straight up. Like seriously, really strange. It appears to pay homage to Richard Linklater’s Boyhood as it follows the life of a boy from birth to the moment he crosses lives ultimate threshold: the entrance of a Subway.
The video honestly consists of sooooo many things that a Subway commercial just shouldn’t consist of. Moody filters, water births, little boys peeing into water spouts, mom-fetishes, galloping horses, kids fighting, Rider Strong lookalikes. Verdict: Not enough sandwiches.
https://twitter.com/rysimmons/status/1144283018825277440
SB Nation video director Ryan Simmons was the first to send the story viral and Eater was the first to cover it with screenshots. It feels too biter-y to do the same (we couldn’t help ourselves a few times), so here’s a quick running diary for you to enjoy as you watch:
1. A baby’s butt-crack and a water birth. I mean they’re really starting off strong with two things that should never be in an ad meant to make a person want food. Ever.
2. Slightly older baby (toddler?) peeing into a water faucet. This is why we always avoided drinking from water fountains in school…
3. Okay, seriously, what the actual f*ck? There is a boy peeping on his mom. We’ve got to screenshot that.
![](https://uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/weird.jpg)
4. Good news! He learns to shave, gets over the ‘hot-for-mom’ thing and finds a girl entirely out of his league.
https://gph.is/g/aKnXepo
5. But she cheats on him and he is heartbroken… in a Subway ad.
https://gph.is/g/Z7nLryR
6. *Cue the Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson, or, anything ‘edgy’* Client note: Too much angst for Subway, everyone knows Quiznos is the edgy sandwich shop.
https://gph.is/g/4wg5zvx
7. *Cue Drowning Pool* Entirely TOO MUCH ANGST FOR F*CKING SUBWAY.
![](https://uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/headshave.jpg)
8. Okay, at this point the homeboy goes backpacking and hangs in rice paddies like an Instagram influencer. Which leads to…
9. Not Mom, but maybe she’s nice?
![](https://uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/creepy.jpg)
And now we come to my favorite sequence of events in the entire ad. F*ck yes, we’re going to lay it out second by second…
12. Nobody.
![](https://uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/think1.jpg)
13. Has ever.
![](https://uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/think2.jpg)
14. Thought this hard about a Subway sandwich.
![](https://uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/think3.jpg)
15. *Cue montage of sandwich ingredients* This part is actually good, honest filmmaking.
https://gph.is/g/Z219XGD
16. And…. scene!
![](https://uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/why.jpg)