(Optional 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Make Shitty Photoshops of Larry David)
We aren’t saying Larry David is exactly like Moses, but there are a few similarities:
- Moses was a white-haired Jew who offered sage wisdom to his people. Larry is a white-haired Jew who gives occasionally helpful/typically disastrous advice to friends and strangers.
- Moses was a friend of the working man. Larry is a friend of the working woman…in his own, prostitute-hiring way.
- Moses had a temper. Larry has a temper.
- And both Moses and Larry have fought against anti-Semitism in unique ways — with ocean sorcery and loud sex, respectively.
More than anything, both the great religious prophet and the great television comedian share an adherence to a personal code of conduct. For Moses, these laws were etched into stone tablets, while Larry’s code of conduct was forged through a lifetime of trying (and failing) to be affable or escape from social obligations.
While everyone is already familiar with the ten commandments of Moses (and if you’re in an Oklahoma courthouse, you might be looking at them right now), it’s time for Larry David’s code of conduct to get more attention. Because we need more Larry Davids — not because he’s perfect (or even close), but because he always tries to do his version of the right thing. And even when he fails (which is often), he still makes the world a better and funnier place for everyone.
The Ten Commandments of Larry David
I. Thou Shalt Have Your God…But Let’s Not Make a Big Thing About It
Moses had some strong feelings about who his followers should worship, and he felt so strongly about this that the very first commandment on his list was: “Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me.”
For his part, Larry doesn’t particularly care what god people worship. He just wants them to do it quietly. And Larry illustrates this point by comparing Christianity to seafood in the season two episode, “The Baptism.“
Click here to watch the full scene on YouTube
II. Thou Shalt Respect Wood
Much like the first commandment, the second commandment of Moses concerned just who (and what) his followers should worship. This time the law focused on the worship of idols and objects, which is something that totally doesn’t happen anymore.
While Larry doesn’t care about idol worship, he does have some strong feelings about the proper love, care and respect that should be shown to a coffee table. And as the entirety of the seventh season of Curb Your Enthusiasm demonstrated, Larry’s respect for wood is an all-consuming passion.
Click here to watch the full scene on YouTube.
III. Thou Shalt Not Curse…Unless Absolutely Necessary
For Larry David, this is necessary pretty, pretty, pretty often. And when Larry showed solidarity with a Tourettes-afflicted chef during the finale of season three, he proved that sometimes profanity can even be a gesture of kindness.
Click here to watch the full scene on YouTube
IV. Thou Shalt Not Kill… Unless That Swan Really Had It Coming
Outside of accidental airplane heroics and the occasional slap fight with a mentally unstable woman, Larry David is a peaceful man. But even Larry has his limits, and during the season seven episode “The Black Swan,” that limit was a territorial bird.
Click here to watch the full scene on YouTube.
V. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery…Unless You Have a One-Time Pass From Your Wife
Even when he is engaged in a spouse-sanctioned affair, Larry is still careful to respect the religious beliefs of his partner. But when he tried to have sex with a Hasidic dry cleaner during the season four episode “The Survivor,” perhaps Larry was respecting those beliefs (and his understanding of Hasidic sex) a bit too much.
Click here to watch the full scene on YouTube
VI. Thou Shalt Not Steal…Unless It’s For Completely Justifiable Reasons
Larry David knows that stealing is wrong, but he is also worldly enough to realize there are certain “grey areas” in morality. After all, what is the bigger crime: letting a perfectly good golf club go to waste, or plundering a coffin, like Larry did in the season four episode “The 5 Wood?”
Okay, the grave robbing is definitely worse, but to be fair, Larry really liked that five wood.
Click here to watch the full scene on YouTube
VII. Thou Shalt Not Lie…Except in Cases Where the Truth is Inconvenient
Like Moses, Larry David is a wise man. But unlike Moses, Larry is realistic enough to recognize the value of a well-placed lie. Because honesty is not always the best policy, as Larry learned when became an accidental participant in an incest survivor support group during the season one episode “The Group.“
Click here to watch the full scene on YouTube
VIII. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Property
For the first time ever, Moses and Larry happen to be in complete agreement on this one. Like so many before him, Larry is often persecuted for his beliefs, and the persecution was particularly harsh when he declined a home tour from Susie during the season three episode “Krazee-Eyez Killa.“
Click here to watch the full scene on YouTube
IX. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife…as Much as Possible
As a passionate man, following this rule can be difficult for Larry, especially when he went to see his friend’s burlesque dancer girlfriend perform during the season eight episode “The Safe House.“
But other times, following this commandment can be very, very easy. Like when the defective passenger seat in Larry’s car jostled Susie to orgasm during the season eight episode “Mister Softee.“
Lastly, and most importantly…
X. Thou Shalt Not Be a Pig Parker
Don’t be a pig parker.
Just don’t.
